Poetry Challenge edits

[wordwamblings]

OK, I'm still working on the villanelle I posted over to 100 poems.  I still don't like it but here it is with the edits and with two different ending stanzas.  I'd be interested in any input.

TO MY DAUGHTER

I wish I'd dared to let you see my heart,
it's always been so hard for me to share,
it would have been a worthy place to start.

You hold

Comments

[autumnsea]

For a villanelle, I have to readily say that this is one of the better flowing ones and the rhyme is smoother.

I think, perhaps, that you are twisting yourself up in knots based on numerous critiques or suggestions? That's what it seems like to me.

I LIKE your original last stanza. The only suggestion I can make is revising the second line of the final stanza as it reads a little awkwardly but keeping the essence of the line because I feel it is important.

A suggestion only (hoping it'll free up your own words):

I ask that from my love you not depart,
to an 'ideal mom' I cannot compare,
I wish I'd dared to let you see my heart,
it would have been a worthy place to start.

[wordwamblings]

It's been awhile since I've followed forms in my poetry. This experience of trying to marry an outside prompt to a strict form has shown me how lazy I've allowed my mind to become. My first attempt was really bumpy. I sent it to a friend and then later looked at it and realized I had too many syllables in one line. LOL She had no idea what the form was supposed to do and suggested some changes that would have made it more concise and accurate but also would have made it no longer a villanelle.

I like very much, your suggestion.
maybe
I cannot to an ideal mom compare,
I really don't much want to look at this freaking poem any more.

I have this awful "hatch and release" approach to writing poetry and it is slightly freaking me out that I'm actually spending so much time editing this one and 'Time Lapse Photograhpy' I guess that for whatever reason, these two are more important to me or maybe I'm entering a new phase in my writing.

[autumnsea]

I believe that this poem is important to you (because of the message) and therefore you are putting your energies into it. I have been known to do the same.

[wordwamblings]

Yes, even though I won't actually give it to my daughter I think that the hurts that lie behind the poem keep bringing me back to it.

[autumnsea]

*nods*

Not all poems need to be shown to the person we are writing to or for.

But all the same, they need to be written - in a way to heal ourselves.

[wordwamblings]

"they need to be written - in a way to heal ourselves. "

Exactly so.

Great comment that got me thinking about this poem again...

[moonlights_lair]

I liked this suggestion the best of the many that I read while following the thread.

It's easy to get twisted up in suggestions - you are so right about that.

I guess the reason I really liked your suggestion here above the others I read was that it seems to express the regret with out having the author take the full brunt of all the responsibility for it...

Mother and Daughter relationships are complicated and all too often the expectations being placed on the Mother half of the Mother/Daughter equation are unfair and unrealistic.

Mothers are only the human aspect of the Goddess - NOT the Goddess herself.

Mothering is not easy and inside we all wonder if we have done a good job or if we are being compared to someone else who has done better.

The older my children become, the more I realize that I may never live up to 'perfect' - but I can do 'pretty well' and 'good enough' and I think that is true of many other Mothers as well.

Re: Great comment that got me thinking about this poem again...

[autumnsea]

I am always of the mind that a disagreement or issue has two sides and both parties are somewhat at fault. To blame a mother is the easy route, I feel. I do not have a daughter but I have a son and all one can do is the best for them (best in our own capabilities and motivations). I know my own relationship with my mother growing up was tumultuous and I may have blamed her as a teen but I grew up and became a mother and saw the other side. Maturity and experience does help us open our eyes.

I have yet to see "perfection" in the classic definition. Each mother tries in her own heart and that's the only thing we can do.

Thank you for your own comment. :)

Re: Great comment that got me thinking about this poem again...

[wordwamblings]

In the end, they must go out and make the best of their lives, same as we had to.

Re: Great comment that got me thinking about this poem again...

[autumnsea]

Yes, I agree. I say something similar to my son when he and I are knocking heads over an issue.