Merry Dungeons & Dragons Xmas
I decided that this year, for Xmas I shall give my parents the gift of visual aloofness, and I have stayed in my old bedroom (now I have moved out they use it to store cats and pillows) all day. I briefly made a cameo at dinner, and pulled crackers and ate and ate and ate until I realised that I got a 'spot the difference' in my cracker, not a joke, so felt cheated and retired back to bed.
"What have you been doing in bed all Xmas day Jed?" I hear you all wail, well I have done the greatest thing of all. Yes, youve guessed correctly: IVE WATCHED EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS EVER MADE.
For those who do not know what the D&D cartoon is let me explain. Think of the happiest you have ever been in your life. Double it. Times it by 100. Give it a shake, drink it down with some potent shrooms and then you will nearly get the same effect as watching D&D. For those cynics out there who associate D&D with those geeky american kids who do role playing, and every now and again, kill one of their friends who they suspect to be orcs... its totally different! The adventures of a group of kids who have been transported to an alien world, who are trying to find their way back home with the guidance of dungeon master and the fabulous weapons he has bestowed upon them is the kind of premise that kept this boy from slitting his throat from boredom at the age of 7 or whatever! I always feel like a kid when im back at home, so watching D&D is very apt.
Anyway these are a few things I have noticed/discovered about D&D:
1: Diana, the acrobat, is a white girl they have painted black. Its all very well the makers introducing afro-american characters, but she just looks like a black and white minstrel with a big stick for hitting things. Ever so slightly racist for them.. but, I found myself very much attracted to her short skirts and crop tops. She is athletic dontcha know.
2: Eric, the cavalier, is the most developed character as every episode you get to see each side of his coin. He always starts of as a loudmouth cunt, belitling his mates and running away scared from the demons, but by the end there is redemption as he fights his fears and saves his friends from certain death. I think I relate to this character the most, and at school I was always picked to play him :(
3: Hank, the ranger, and the leader, is the most one-dimensional character of all. He is the good looking one that everyone looks up to and follows. He has a cool energy bow as his weapon, but he gets on my fucking nerves. He so obviously has a thing for Sheila, but because he is a goody-two shoes he does nothing about it. all he cares about is looking good in that green suit and his wavy hair. I dislike him.
4: Bobby, the barbarian, is a one trick pony. In every single episode he shouts 'Leave MY SISTER alone!' and smacks his magical club into the ground to make the earth tremple beneath the feet of some random bogbeast. I would like to pose the question to him, "Why do you not actually hit the monsters with your club? It would kill them outright and they would not be able to capture you five minutes later as you dangle from some rope bridge you cunt!" Bobby is 8 years old, so I wont be too harsh on him. Im just worried that he has down syndrome.
5: Sheila, the thief, has one of the coolest weapons of all. Invisibilty! She has a cloak that activates her invisibilty whens he puts the hood on. You would think that in a world full of monsters and being constantly chased by a horned demon on a devil horse would result in her wearing the cloak ALL THE TIME.. but noooooooooooooooooooooooo she would rather be captured in every single episode. In fact she is captured alot easier than the others as she is the white girl that people care about, therefore its better for the story that the quest is to save her.. rather than eric or someone of that ilk. Why does she not wear it constantly, actually live up to her name and STEAL something useful to get them home? She has pretty freckles though...
6: Presto, the wizard, has the most powerful weapon of all. A wizards hat that can conjure anything he wants out of it. Most of the time it doesnt work that good though, like for instance, when he asks for something to drink, it would give him water, but in a goldfish bowl with dirty looking fish in it. Oh in one episode his hat inflates into a hot air balloon so the kids can escape the orcs beneath the treehouses of the cloudbears. He only ever uses his hat when pushed by the other kids. If I had a magic hat that could do that I would use it 24/7. I would never sleep. I would just keep pulling stuff out of there until I got a time machine or Molly Ringwald. The thing that bugs me about Presto is that his character had the most potential, but the writers decided to waste it all on the other 5. Boo to them.
7: Uni, the unicorn, is the foulest cartoon character that has ever graced our screens. She is meant to be cute and funny, but her voice is so whiney and has nearly ruined xmas for me as I punched my leg in frustration at her naaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bleating. If it wasnt for the fact Im rock hard, I could have done myself some permanant damage. There is no point in this damn unicorn save for the fact the creators wanted something cute to appeal to the younger kids. Uni is the jar-jar binks of the 80's. Oh in the later episodes they ran out of ideas for the little annoying unicorn so they gave it the power to.... teleport. Such a fucking cop out. Made a mockery of the earlier episodes where uni was always getting caught by triffids and snailbeasts and frogmunchers.
8: The fact that Venger is DungeonMaster's son. If you didnt know this, then sorry for spoiling it for you. Venger, the source of all evil is in fact the son of the kid's guide in THE REALM. It kinda nearly makes sense, because every now and then they allude to it when DM shakes his head at the kids ripping the piss out of Venger's one hornedness.
9: The fact that THEY NEVER GET HOME. Thats right. The whole point of the cartoon was the kids getting back to earth and then the good guys win! But this does not happen. They never ever get home... because the show was cancelled in America and therefore they never made the last episodes. It just trails off. Yes they very nearly get home on many occasions, but have to go back because either Venger follows them, or they dont want to leave UNI, or they forgot to turn the oven off or some other convoluted plot line to make you think FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. In todays world of happy endings and happy middles and happy starts, this is quite refreshing. Of course they didnt mean it to be so dark, but the fact that the kids never reach their goal, which means WINS, is far more realistic a scenario. Lets face it, a group of teenagers thrown in fucking TESCOS with weapons would probably also end in tears.
10: The best episode ever is 'The City at the Edge of Midnight'. Its about the bogeyman who steals kids from their sleep on earth, and takes them to his lair where he puts them to work inside a giant clock. They have to prevent the clock striking midnight, because if it does, the bogeyman dies. A fucking brilliant concept which i plundered about 500 times when I had to do creative writing in primary school. I subtely changed the names and places though, but its the kind of thing I needed to do to quench my desire, nay QUEST for gold stars.
I really really dont know why I just spent the last 10 minutes typing all of this. It has no point other than to serialise my addiction to this particular cartoon. It has shaped the way I think and live and I wont make any excuses about that.
If you dont like this cartoon then you have no heart/brain and I do not consider you a decent person who i would like to share my life with :D
This is a very warped xmas post and my take up a page in my autobiography in 2026.
jed
xxx
"What have you been doing in bed all Xmas day Jed?" I hear you all wail, well I have done the greatest thing of all. Yes, youve guessed correctly: IVE WATCHED EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF DUNGEONS & DRAGONS EVER MADE.
For those who do not know what the D&D cartoon is let me explain. Think of the happiest you have ever been in your life. Double it. Times it by 100. Give it a shake, drink it down with some potent shrooms and then you will nearly get the same effect as watching D&D. For those cynics out there who associate D&D with those geeky american kids who do role playing, and every now and again, kill one of their friends who they suspect to be orcs... its totally different! The adventures of a group of kids who have been transported to an alien world, who are trying to find their way back home with the guidance of dungeon master and the fabulous weapons he has bestowed upon them is the kind of premise that kept this boy from slitting his throat from boredom at the age of 7 or whatever! I always feel like a kid when im back at home, so watching D&D is very apt.
Anyway these are a few things I have noticed/discovered about D&D:
1: Diana, the acrobat, is a white girl they have painted black. Its all very well the makers introducing afro-american characters, but she just looks like a black and white minstrel with a big stick for hitting things. Ever so slightly racist for them.. but, I found myself very much attracted to her short skirts and crop tops. She is athletic dontcha know.
2: Eric, the cavalier, is the most developed character as every episode you get to see each side of his coin. He always starts of as a loudmouth cunt, belitling his mates and running away scared from the demons, but by the end there is redemption as he fights his fears and saves his friends from certain death. I think I relate to this character the most, and at school I was always picked to play him :(
3: Hank, the ranger, and the leader, is the most one-dimensional character of all. He is the good looking one that everyone looks up to and follows. He has a cool energy bow as his weapon, but he gets on my fucking nerves. He so obviously has a thing for Sheila, but because he is a goody-two shoes he does nothing about it. all he cares about is looking good in that green suit and his wavy hair. I dislike him.
4: Bobby, the barbarian, is a one trick pony. In every single episode he shouts 'Leave MY SISTER alone!' and smacks his magical club into the ground to make the earth tremple beneath the feet of some random bogbeast. I would like to pose the question to him, "Why do you not actually hit the monsters with your club? It would kill them outright and they would not be able to capture you five minutes later as you dangle from some rope bridge you cunt!" Bobby is 8 years old, so I wont be too harsh on him. Im just worried that he has down syndrome.
5: Sheila, the thief, has one of the coolest weapons of all. Invisibilty! She has a cloak that activates her invisibilty whens he puts the hood on. You would think that in a world full of monsters and being constantly chased by a horned demon on a devil horse would result in her wearing the cloak ALL THE TIME.. but noooooooooooooooooooooooo she would rather be captured in every single episode. In fact she is captured alot easier than the others as she is the white girl that people care about, therefore its better for the story that the quest is to save her.. rather than eric or someone of that ilk. Why does she not wear it constantly, actually live up to her name and STEAL something useful to get them home? She has pretty freckles though...
6: Presto, the wizard, has the most powerful weapon of all. A wizards hat that can conjure anything he wants out of it. Most of the time it doesnt work that good though, like for instance, when he asks for something to drink, it would give him water, but in a goldfish bowl with dirty looking fish in it. Oh in one episode his hat inflates into a hot air balloon so the kids can escape the orcs beneath the treehouses of the cloudbears. He only ever uses his hat when pushed by the other kids. If I had a magic hat that could do that I would use it 24/7. I would never sleep. I would just keep pulling stuff out of there until I got a time machine or Molly Ringwald. The thing that bugs me about Presto is that his character had the most potential, but the writers decided to waste it all on the other 5. Boo to them.
7: Uni, the unicorn, is the foulest cartoon character that has ever graced our screens. She is meant to be cute and funny, but her voice is so whiney and has nearly ruined xmas for me as I punched my leg in frustration at her naaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bleating. If it wasnt for the fact Im rock hard, I could have done myself some permanant damage. There is no point in this damn unicorn save for the fact the creators wanted something cute to appeal to the younger kids. Uni is the jar-jar binks of the 80's. Oh in the later episodes they ran out of ideas for the little annoying unicorn so they gave it the power to.... teleport. Such a fucking cop out. Made a mockery of the earlier episodes where uni was always getting caught by triffids and snailbeasts and frogmunchers.
8: The fact that Venger is DungeonMaster's son. If you didnt know this, then sorry for spoiling it for you. Venger, the source of all evil is in fact the son of the kid's guide in THE REALM. It kinda nearly makes sense, because every now and then they allude to it when DM shakes his head at the kids ripping the piss out of Venger's one hornedness.
9: The fact that THEY NEVER GET HOME. Thats right. The whole point of the cartoon was the kids getting back to earth and then the good guys win! But this does not happen. They never ever get home... because the show was cancelled in America and therefore they never made the last episodes. It just trails off. Yes they very nearly get home on many occasions, but have to go back because either Venger follows them, or they dont want to leave UNI, or they forgot to turn the oven off or some other convoluted plot line to make you think FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. In todays world of happy endings and happy middles and happy starts, this is quite refreshing. Of course they didnt mean it to be so dark, but the fact that the kids never reach their goal, which means WINS, is far more realistic a scenario. Lets face it, a group of teenagers thrown in fucking TESCOS with weapons would probably also end in tears.
10: The best episode ever is 'The City at the Edge of Midnight'. Its about the bogeyman who steals kids from their sleep on earth, and takes them to his lair where he puts them to work inside a giant clock. They have to prevent the clock striking midnight, because if it does, the bogeyman dies. A fucking brilliant concept which i plundered about 500 times when I had to do creative writing in primary school. I subtely changed the names and places though, but its the kind of thing I needed to do to quench my desire, nay QUEST for gold stars.
I really really dont know why I just spent the last 10 minutes typing all of this. It has no point other than to serialise my addiction to this particular cartoon. It has shaped the way I think and live and I wont make any excuses about that.
If you dont like this cartoon then you have no heart/brain and I do not consider you a decent person who i would like to share my life with :D
This is a very warped xmas post and my take up a page in my autobiography in 2026.
jed
xxx