Darin watched Leah make dinner while he set the table. Nominally, it was their three year anniversary. He felt like they should do something more to celebrate it, but Leah hadn't been in the mood
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This is your very late-arriving editor. Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this.
I really like your story - the concept is original and you have made your characters appealing and likable; it is a sweet story and you've written it well. One of the lines I especially liked is: "Darin had woken up twice in the last week to find Leah curled into him."
Just a couple of things: I think the word awakened would have flowed more smoothly in the line above, rather than "woken up;" also, it may be a typo, but "burn the arraignment" shows an incorrect word choice. I think you meant "agreement?" Also, there are two places where there is a time lapse and the action picks up without letting the reader know this. The first is when Darin said, "Dinner was wonderful . . ." I know you triple spaced between, but it read awkwardly to me. Could the conversation have taken place while they were eating? Or perhaps *** could have been used to separate the story parts. The same thing occurs when you begin "Leah had fallen asleep . . ." It might read better as Later, Leah fell asleep on Darin's lap after . . "
Great story, though! I enjoyed it very much and really like the characters you created.
I really like your story - the concept is original and you have made your characters appealing and likable; it is a sweet story and you've written it well. One of the lines I especially liked is: "Darin had woken up twice in the last week to find Leah curled into him."
Just a couple of things: I think the word awakened would have flowed more smoothly in the line above, rather than "woken up;" also, it may be a typo, but "burn the arraignment" shows an incorrect word choice. I think you meant "agreement?" Also, there are two places where there is a time lapse and the action picks up without letting the reader know this. The first is when Darin said, "Dinner was wonderful . . ." I know you triple spaced between, but it read awkwardly to me. Could the conversation have taken place while they were eating? Or perhaps *** could have been used to separate the story parts. The same thing occurs when you begin "Leah had fallen asleep . . ." It might read better as Later, Leah fell asleep on Darin's lap after . . "
Great story, though! I enjoyed it very much and really like the characters you created.
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