(no subject)
Jay,
I want to start pursuing Patrick again. I feel like you are giving me the pieces to his heart that I need to really make the connection. You've given me two pretty significant things to say to him to make a difference. Maybe small things, but they will matter in the long run.
Please help me do the Love Dare on Patrick... I have hurt him so much. Please help me reconstruct our relationship. Please just take care of Patrick for me... Please heal his back, and his piriformis muscle... Please help the pain when he goes... Just please heal him entirely. Please take care of my baby...
Help me to fall in love with you during the process as well. I feel like I'm getting to know you again. Like you're a little bit different than I expected.
To be honest, everything scares me. People who have contradictory NDE stories. The Christian religion as at traditionally stands in modern day. All of it. Patrick has forged forward with the bravery to make his own way, and now he is leading me. Thank you for my warrior...
Until you straighten everything out for me, I don't feel comfortable becoming a pastor. You judge pastors with stricter judgement, and I'm not about to go behind a pulpit teaching something I either don't know anything about, or I don't agree with. So, here is my bargain to you: show me the truth, or I am not doing it.
I'm sorry for the times I tried to commit suicide... But please answer me.
I'm listening to Benson Boone - Beautiful Things. It reminds me of Patrick... I'm gonna see if he's awake. I really want to talk to him. But I also want to talk to you.
I keep wondering what's wrong with our relationship... why aren't I passionate the way I used to be? Or is it really just the worship music? Is that all I need to bring it back? Studying my Bible has become a struggle over the past few years... it is occurring to me that maybe I'm not supposed to read it as much as I thought I was supposed to? But, how could this be?
Until I get more answers, I am going to pursue my quiet life as a writer. I should be on disability pretty soon. Hopefully Patrick will be interested in living in the same house by that point.
I have considered something. I was so focused on being more passionate, when I think I should be more focused on being in the moment. Being mentally present helps me work. I want to be able and get into deep work. If I am more mentally focused, maybe I'll enjoy life more.
I'm going to look at some job postings on Indeed that I get get into deep work. Please help me find something.
To My Provider, <3, Jordanary