You better listen to Mr. Hate
I knew it. KNEW IT! Nothing good ever happens to me, why should this have been any different?
I call Kimmy back on Monday, and again no answer on her cell phone. I figure it's still in LA with her sister so I look her up in the phone book. Turns out there's only one entry in there with her last name so I call the number. She picks up. I tell her I didn't want her to think I stood her up on Sunday but her phone was in her sister's care. She says she's really sorry about it and I ask if she'd like to reschedule. Hoe's thursday sound, cause I have that off from work? Fine she says, that'd be great. Well, it would be great until around 11 the next night. She calls me and tells me she just remembered her boyfriend is coming back from INDONESIA on Thursday so of course she has to spend all day with him. But she has my number so if she ever gets a free day she'll call me.
First of all, INDONESIA? This is either one of those stories where it's so far-fetched that it has to be true, or one of the worst lies I've ever heard. Why didn't she say New York? Fuck, Oregon would have been better then fucking Indonesia. I have me doubts about her actually having a boyfriend, but Christ, if she DOES, why then not just give me her number and agree to go out with me, but also offer to reschedule for a latter time?
FUCK.
So it's like my life is constantly in this really shitty cycle. Where NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS. And if it does, it only goes on for just long enough for me to get interested in it or excited by it and this it blows the fuck up in my fucking face. I bet anything that once I get my Acer it's going to work for about a week and then something is going to break inside it and I'll have to send it back to get it fixed.
And it's never just one bad thing that happens. When it rains, it MONSOON FLOODS with me. It's like, oh, you wanted to go out with this girl? Well she said yes...but she has a boyfriend. And now your car broke down. And now people are giving you shit at work. And now Jessica can't hang out with you like she said because she had something pop up within the last three minutes. And now you don't have any money. And now your friends ditched you when they promised they'd call. And now Jessica's going to fucking Bakersfield for the weekend. And now it's Friday the 13th. I get a fucking shitstorm twirling my way any time something even REMOTELY good happens to me.
So I'm at this point where I don't really know if I care anymore. When Kimmy called and said she couldn't see me on Thursday because of her boyfriend, I was a little depressed, but I saw it coming. I knew it would turn to shit. Part of me wanted to cry a little, but a bigger part was just like, "Why do you want to cry? Why do you even care? You knew this would happen. It ALWAYS happens. Why get emotional and worked up about it? it's just a waste of time, y'know?" So then I get really angry for about an hour, and then it just fades and I'm empty inside again. And it's like, you're right other side, there IS no reason to care anymore.
I tried to explain myself to Jessica once, why I'm like this. I told her, she doesn't really know what it's like to live as me. She seems me, with what, a car, I have a nice house, I live with my family who, on the outside, looks like they still love each other. But that's just like looking at a book and saying it'll be good just because it has a nice cover. I told her, to get a good idea of what it's like to live as me, try to imagine that you have NO hope for your future, and NO drive to do anything, ever, and then maybe she'd start to get a glimmer of what I go through. She didn't really even have a response for me. It's like the only thing that keeps me going, is that the only other option is suicide. And I don't really want to do that because it'd be a serious blow to my family, and I'd burn in hell for the rest of eternity.
And I told Jessica, maybe if I had someone in my life that I could feel like was backing me up, that I could DO shit for, in the clasical hopeless romantic way that I am, then I'd have something to live for and I'd be energized and I'd feel good about myself because here's this other person feeling good about me too.
But I don't have that. And I honestly believe that I never will.
So my other option is to try and do stuff for other people that makes them feel good, cause that'd atleast make me feel good. That's what made me want to be a cartoonist in the first place. I loved watching cartoons as a kid and I still do. To be able to create that same feeling in someone would be insane. I'd love to be able to have kids or adults or whatever get jazzed about seeing the newest episode of Shadow Prowler, or the next movie by Turbo Animated Features, of the next issue of Kid Bombastic. That's why I'm excited about the Acer, because it'll help me so much in gettin there, to making the comics, to making the cartoons.
But, of course, good things never last with me. I can't wait for the screen to fucking fall off or for the buttons to stop working or the stylus to die. And not only that but people are insanely hard to please these days, so who even knows if someone'll give half a shit about what happens when Kid Bombastic has to stop Harvey Quinn from raping and killing someone?
So that's where all this not caring talk comes from. I wondered, just now, if maybe in the future I'll dig up this live journal and read it and think, "Man, what a dipshit I was back then. Look how depressed I am all the time, I remember that. I'm sure glad I met you, honey." And I'll hug my girlfirend or wife. Or maybe I'll pat a fat stack of comics and DVDs with my name on them. And I thought, just now, probably not.
I call Kimmy back on Monday, and again no answer on her cell phone. I figure it's still in LA with her sister so I look her up in the phone book. Turns out there's only one entry in there with her last name so I call the number. She picks up. I tell her I didn't want her to think I stood her up on Sunday but her phone was in her sister's care. She says she's really sorry about it and I ask if she'd like to reschedule. Hoe's thursday sound, cause I have that off from work? Fine she says, that'd be great. Well, it would be great until around 11 the next night. She calls me and tells me she just remembered her boyfriend is coming back from INDONESIA on Thursday so of course she has to spend all day with him. But she has my number so if she ever gets a free day she'll call me.
First of all, INDONESIA? This is either one of those stories where it's so far-fetched that it has to be true, or one of the worst lies I've ever heard. Why didn't she say New York? Fuck, Oregon would have been better then fucking Indonesia. I have me doubts about her actually having a boyfriend, but Christ, if she DOES, why then not just give me her number and agree to go out with me, but also offer to reschedule for a latter time?
FUCK.
So it's like my life is constantly in this really shitty cycle. Where NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS. And if it does, it only goes on for just long enough for me to get interested in it or excited by it and this it blows the fuck up in my fucking face. I bet anything that once I get my Acer it's going to work for about a week and then something is going to break inside it and I'll have to send it back to get it fixed.
And it's never just one bad thing that happens. When it rains, it MONSOON FLOODS with me. It's like, oh, you wanted to go out with this girl? Well she said yes...but she has a boyfriend. And now your car broke down. And now people are giving you shit at work. And now Jessica can't hang out with you like she said because she had something pop up within the last three minutes. And now you don't have any money. And now your friends ditched you when they promised they'd call. And now Jessica's going to fucking Bakersfield for the weekend. And now it's Friday the 13th. I get a fucking shitstorm twirling my way any time something even REMOTELY good happens to me.
So I'm at this point where I don't really know if I care anymore. When Kimmy called and said she couldn't see me on Thursday because of her boyfriend, I was a little depressed, but I saw it coming. I knew it would turn to shit. Part of me wanted to cry a little, but a bigger part was just like, "Why do you want to cry? Why do you even care? You knew this would happen. It ALWAYS happens. Why get emotional and worked up about it? it's just a waste of time, y'know?" So then I get really angry for about an hour, and then it just fades and I'm empty inside again. And it's like, you're right other side, there IS no reason to care anymore.
I tried to explain myself to Jessica once, why I'm like this. I told her, she doesn't really know what it's like to live as me. She seems me, with what, a car, I have a nice house, I live with my family who, on the outside, looks like they still love each other. But that's just like looking at a book and saying it'll be good just because it has a nice cover. I told her, to get a good idea of what it's like to live as me, try to imagine that you have NO hope for your future, and NO drive to do anything, ever, and then maybe she'd start to get a glimmer of what I go through. She didn't really even have a response for me. It's like the only thing that keeps me going, is that the only other option is suicide. And I don't really want to do that because it'd be a serious blow to my family, and I'd burn in hell for the rest of eternity.
And I told Jessica, maybe if I had someone in my life that I could feel like was backing me up, that I could DO shit for, in the clasical hopeless romantic way that I am, then I'd have something to live for and I'd be energized and I'd feel good about myself because here's this other person feeling good about me too.
But I don't have that. And I honestly believe that I never will.
So my other option is to try and do stuff for other people that makes them feel good, cause that'd atleast make me feel good. That's what made me want to be a cartoonist in the first place. I loved watching cartoons as a kid and I still do. To be able to create that same feeling in someone would be insane. I'd love to be able to have kids or adults or whatever get jazzed about seeing the newest episode of Shadow Prowler, or the next movie by Turbo Animated Features, of the next issue of Kid Bombastic. That's why I'm excited about the Acer, because it'll help me so much in gettin there, to making the comics, to making the cartoons.
But, of course, good things never last with me. I can't wait for the screen to fucking fall off or for the buttons to stop working or the stylus to die. And not only that but people are insanely hard to please these days, so who even knows if someone'll give half a shit about what happens when Kid Bombastic has to stop Harvey Quinn from raping and killing someone?
So that's where all this not caring talk comes from. I wondered, just now, if maybe in the future I'll dig up this live journal and read it and think, "Man, what a dipshit I was back then. Look how depressed I am all the time, I remember that. I'm sure glad I met you, honey." And I'll hug my girlfirend or wife. Or maybe I'll pat a fat stack of comics and DVDs with my name on them. And I thought, just now, probably not.