(no subject)
It’s weird to be staring at a screen all day.
During my last few days in Europe, I started feeling a sense of calmness and grounded-ness that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. Perhaps for about six months.
I’m still feeling that grounded-ness. It’s a lack of that jittery, anxious, insidious tiny monkey in my head poking me and asking “what if”s and telling me I’m doing everything wrong.
I wondered what caused me to feel calm. Was it:
- The lack of birth control?
- The lack of being on Instagram/Facebook/the computer?
- Not having a data plan?
- Being away from work?
- Being away from my crazy apartment?
- Being away from Manoil?
While in Europe, I realized that whenever I got near a screen and WiFi, people would talk at me and laugh at my unresponsiveness. I was lost in the void. Then when I got out of it and looked around, I felt like an idiot for not appreciating what was around me. It felt a bit like breathing air after holding my breath underwater for a few minutes. Except that while holding my breath, I didn’t feel uncomfortable. Or, rather, I didn’t realize that I was feeling so uncomfortable that I was suffocating myself.
I started feeling a bit lost about an hour into work this morning. My brain started moving faster than my fingers could type or my reason could keep track of. I have to consciously slow myself down, because otherwise I find myself mindlessly clicking through tabs, not actually reading anything on any of them, and falling into a void of sheer emotion and neurosis.
It has to do with the medium of the computer. Since you’re not moving, it doesn’t register that you’re actually DOING something-that you’re doing many things.
During my last few days in Europe, I started feeling a sense of calmness and grounded-ness that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. Perhaps for about six months.
I’m still feeling that grounded-ness. It’s a lack of that jittery, anxious, insidious tiny monkey in my head poking me and asking “what if”s and telling me I’m doing everything wrong.
I wondered what caused me to feel calm. Was it:
- The lack of birth control?
- The lack of being on Instagram/Facebook/the computer?
- Not having a data plan?
- Being away from work?
- Being away from my crazy apartment?
- Being away from Manoil?
While in Europe, I realized that whenever I got near a screen and WiFi, people would talk at me and laugh at my unresponsiveness. I was lost in the void. Then when I got out of it and looked around, I felt like an idiot for not appreciating what was around me. It felt a bit like breathing air after holding my breath underwater for a few minutes. Except that while holding my breath, I didn’t feel uncomfortable. Or, rather, I didn’t realize that I was feeling so uncomfortable that I was suffocating myself.
I started feeling a bit lost about an hour into work this morning. My brain started moving faster than my fingers could type or my reason could keep track of. I have to consciously slow myself down, because otherwise I find myself mindlessly clicking through tabs, not actually reading anything on any of them, and falling into a void of sheer emotion and neurosis.
It has to do with the medium of the computer. Since you’re not moving, it doesn’t register that you’re actually DOING something-that you’re doing many things.