(no subject)
I want to crawl out of this hole that I'm in. I don't know how it is that in such short periods of time I go from being okay and positive to feeling like I'm not good enough and I'll never get over this. It's just not fair...but life is not fair, in the end. I'm still pissed, though. I'm pissed that someone took something away from me when I was young that I'm never going to get back. I'm pissed that I lost my childhood and my innocence. I'm pissed that I feel I will forever be suffering the effects of an event than I can't piece together. I'm pissed that next to no one is aware of what I've been through. There are a million questions I have for my mother that I'm too afraid to ask.
In my memory I want to shout "WHO ARE YOU? SHOW YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING COWARD" but then I retreat back into fear myself...because the truth is, that I DON'T see it clearly. And I DON'T remember exactly what happened. But I just know...I just know that something happened. I see it foggily reaching out to me in my times of doubt. I feel their hands but can't make out their fucking face. I want to cry and I'm sick of crying. I just want to be understood, in a big way. Looking to articles for validation isn't enough. I want someone close to me to look in me in the eye and say; I see you, I believe you, I understand you. I don't give a fuck that my subconscious mind isn't ready to look these memories straight in the face. I need them extracted out of me with a fucking knife, like when I bring one to my own fucking flesh. I'm mad. I want to be successful. I want to know my true ability and be fucking proud for once. I don't want to give up but sometimes that seems just so tempting. The truth is that I am scared for my future if I go on like this forever. I just need the strength to stand up, ask the right questions, talk to the right people. I just need to be heard. So badly.
In my memory I want to shout "WHO ARE YOU? SHOW YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING COWARD" but then I retreat back into fear myself...because the truth is, that I DON'T see it clearly. And I DON'T remember exactly what happened. But I just know...I just know that something happened. I see it foggily reaching out to me in my times of doubt. I feel their hands but can't make out their fucking face. I want to cry and I'm sick of crying. I just want to be understood, in a big way. Looking to articles for validation isn't enough. I want someone close to me to look in me in the eye and say; I see you, I believe you, I understand you. I don't give a fuck that my subconscious mind isn't ready to look these memories straight in the face. I need them extracted out of me with a fucking knife, like when I bring one to my own fucking flesh. I'm mad. I want to be successful. I want to know my true ability and be fucking proud for once. I don't want to give up but sometimes that seems just so tempting. The truth is that I am scared for my future if I go on like this forever. I just need the strength to stand up, ask the right questions, talk to the right people. I just need to be heard. So badly.