writing
If I could push all the stars out of line
If you could get lost in my hair
If heaven could present itself to you
Just for a second
If you could hear what lies at the bottom of my words
If I could reach the bottom of your stomach
If our heat could penetrate the trouble of time
And shatter distance
If we could dig into one another and push through
To the hidden side behind
If three small words only had a louder voice
And more credibility
It might be unnecessary to study balls of fire
And offer up our hopes
To fate
We learn to forgive one another
Through hurt and years of pain
We say the right words to get us that pass
Good for a specified time
We punish each other when the words aren’t enough
And we run in opposite directions
Only to collide when the weather shifts
And brings us back together
Through everything that was and is
We remain
We hold on
And we smile
Even when it’s hard to go on keeping such secrets
Even when we know that nothing’s right anymore
Those words hold us here
Fixed in this place
Tradition and opinion are our restraints
Splinting these disjointed parts into a makeshift limb
That we wave around at the ones looking on
Doing all we do for everyone else
Ignoring our own hearts and tears
And what we think is patching our wounds
Is really making them fester
Because it will never change
When it has come this far
--
Several years ago
I walked to the end of a road
Hidden among the trees
I learned a secret there
That I have carried in my pocket
For many months since
A small smiling fairy
It serves to remind me at the darkest times
Of the warmth and the light I saw that day
And I am not alone
--
With the moon’s eyes closed
The clouds never expect it
when it rains at night
--
Watching a spider web in the silvery glow
Of a full moon damp night
Beads of water caught in the strands
So still, reflecting the light
Perfection exists in instinct and intricacy
Delicate deliberation for such a brief time
I wanted to capture it, to make it last
Before it was torn away
A flash of light and it became immortal
Once photographed, the tiny particles
Were caught dangling for a moment more
Then a gust blew it all away
As the moon watched on
And didn’t even blink
--
Plagued by ambition
And revolving doors
Banging hands on glass walls
Crying silently in bathroom stalls
Carried through the routine
Day after day
We search office corners and piled desks
Looking for answers in between calls
Shuffling stacks and filing away dreams
Where do we go when the coffee runs out
Where do we turn when the labels fall off
And we’re left alone
To face only ourselves
Turn off the light and leave a note
Put it off for another long day
--
You have eyes like smoke
That throw out arrows
And burn my fingertips
As I’m just walking by
You are a beautiful bewitching man
Never smiling with your mouth
(it hides in the smoke of your eyes)
I watch myself turn loose and fly
Wherever you’d draw me
As you run your fingertips over
The curve of a shoulder
Or the arc of a gliding hip
You charm the coils in my hair
And the small feet I give over to you
You beguile my heart
As you walk out the door
Always with someone else
--
You were sleeping
Under shooting stars
In the backyard tent
When I saw your skin exposed the first time
We were thirteen and you were suddenly
Not familiar
No longer a child
A dewy glaze of sweat across your stomach
A slight chill raising bumps as hairs stood up
You were so quietly seductive
In that moment
Inviting me in
Asking me to explore you
Wanting me to feel the depths inside
Without ever even opening your eyes
I stepped cautiously
Curiously
Closer
But the wind shifted
And the stars fell
I lost my nerve
And lost you
In that tiny moment
Before we grew apart
--
You think yourself too small sometimes
You hate the strands of gray
That break up the wealth of dark
But they show the years that colored the parts before me
They tell me secrets about a life I joined late
You think too little of you
Roads of laughter and tears
Are the map cleverly hidden right on your face
Guiding me to places that existed
Before I held your hand
You think yourself so small
Your body is the perfect size
For my fingers to feel you and pull you into me
You are larger than you know
In my mind and my small hands
I think you are everything
I wish to conquer your modesty
And show you the perfection of your soul
The parts that hide behind
So as not to be taken for granted
--
Mercy visits me
In the deepest of hours
When I weep for the lost
Dragging in shattered painful breaths
Once sent away from me
You were all consuming
For so many years
You did not leave me
Just changed into the swallowing
Spreading mass
That I could never abandon
That would never just slip away
Mercy visits me
For you and for me
For all those souls I turned to when
I had no you left
--
My life has felt like sitting alone
In a crowded room
Full of faces I don’t recognize
Faces that seem to know each other well
Shared lives, shared past
But none see me
My life has felt like wrong steps
Walking into the wrong room
Watching laughing strangers embrace
Staring, fixated, on devastating lovers
Whose intense exclusivity
Excludes me
My life has felt like endless circles
Getting nowhere all alone
A history eludes me
And I always close my eyes
To nothing
If you could get lost in my hair
If heaven could present itself to you
Just for a second
If you could hear what lies at the bottom of my words
If I could reach the bottom of your stomach
If our heat could penetrate the trouble of time
And shatter distance
If we could dig into one another and push through
To the hidden side behind
If three small words only had a louder voice
And more credibility
It might be unnecessary to study balls of fire
And offer up our hopes
To fate
We learn to forgive one another
Through hurt and years of pain
We say the right words to get us that pass
Good for a specified time
We punish each other when the words aren’t enough
And we run in opposite directions
Only to collide when the weather shifts
And brings us back together
Through everything that was and is
We remain
We hold on
And we smile
Even when it’s hard to go on keeping such secrets
Even when we know that nothing’s right anymore
Those words hold us here
Fixed in this place
Tradition and opinion are our restraints
Splinting these disjointed parts into a makeshift limb
That we wave around at the ones looking on
Doing all we do for everyone else
Ignoring our own hearts and tears
And what we think is patching our wounds
Is really making them fester
Because it will never change
When it has come this far
--
Several years ago
I walked to the end of a road
Hidden among the trees
I learned a secret there
That I have carried in my pocket
For many months since
A small smiling fairy
It serves to remind me at the darkest times
Of the warmth and the light I saw that day
And I am not alone
--
With the moon’s eyes closed
The clouds never expect it
when it rains at night
--
Watching a spider web in the silvery glow
Of a full moon damp night
Beads of water caught in the strands
So still, reflecting the light
Perfection exists in instinct and intricacy
Delicate deliberation for such a brief time
I wanted to capture it, to make it last
Before it was torn away
A flash of light and it became immortal
Once photographed, the tiny particles
Were caught dangling for a moment more
Then a gust blew it all away
As the moon watched on
And didn’t even blink
--
Plagued by ambition
And revolving doors
Banging hands on glass walls
Crying silently in bathroom stalls
Carried through the routine
Day after day
We search office corners and piled desks
Looking for answers in between calls
Shuffling stacks and filing away dreams
Where do we go when the coffee runs out
Where do we turn when the labels fall off
And we’re left alone
To face only ourselves
Turn off the light and leave a note
Put it off for another long day
--
You have eyes like smoke
That throw out arrows
And burn my fingertips
As I’m just walking by
You are a beautiful bewitching man
Never smiling with your mouth
(it hides in the smoke of your eyes)
I watch myself turn loose and fly
Wherever you’d draw me
As you run your fingertips over
The curve of a shoulder
Or the arc of a gliding hip
You charm the coils in my hair
And the small feet I give over to you
You beguile my heart
As you walk out the door
Always with someone else
--
You were sleeping
Under shooting stars
In the backyard tent
When I saw your skin exposed the first time
We were thirteen and you were suddenly
Not familiar
No longer a child
A dewy glaze of sweat across your stomach
A slight chill raising bumps as hairs stood up
You were so quietly seductive
In that moment
Inviting me in
Asking me to explore you
Wanting me to feel the depths inside
Without ever even opening your eyes
I stepped cautiously
Curiously
Closer
But the wind shifted
And the stars fell
I lost my nerve
And lost you
In that tiny moment
Before we grew apart
--
You think yourself too small sometimes
You hate the strands of gray
That break up the wealth of dark
But they show the years that colored the parts before me
They tell me secrets about a life I joined late
You think too little of you
Roads of laughter and tears
Are the map cleverly hidden right on your face
Guiding me to places that existed
Before I held your hand
You think yourself so small
Your body is the perfect size
For my fingers to feel you and pull you into me
You are larger than you know
In my mind and my small hands
I think you are everything
I wish to conquer your modesty
And show you the perfection of your soul
The parts that hide behind
So as not to be taken for granted
--
Mercy visits me
In the deepest of hours
When I weep for the lost
Dragging in shattered painful breaths
Once sent away from me
You were all consuming
For so many years
You did not leave me
Just changed into the swallowing
Spreading mass
That I could never abandon
That would never just slip away
Mercy visits me
For you and for me
For all those souls I turned to when
I had no you left
--
My life has felt like sitting alone
In a crowded room
Full of faces I don’t recognize
Faces that seem to know each other well
Shared lives, shared past
But none see me
My life has felt like wrong steps
Walking into the wrong room
Watching laughing strangers embrace
Staring, fixated, on devastating lovers
Whose intense exclusivity
Excludes me
My life has felt like endless circles
Getting nowhere all alone
A history eludes me
And I always close my eyes
To nothing