I quickly poke my head into the room....
Hi. I know I have been missing in action for quite a while around here. And I haven't had a moment to even read anyone's posts in months. I'll get caught up eventually, but life has been very full lately.
But I just wanted to write this happy note.
I am sorry to have seen so few of you all in the last couple of years. My life has changed in such dramatic ways.
As my physical body adapts to being a father the kind of hormonal changes that have been freaking with my brain chemistry remind me of the sort of reality redefining experiences I had during my very first LSD experience as a twenty something. My first trip was two hits of intellectual and spiritual ecstacy that I rode for eighteen hours. I saw the reality of myself and magic that day. I was never the same again. Thank all the gods for that day.
As I greated the sunrise, it shining brightly and warm in my face on that August morning, I finally smiled in my heart as well as my face. I had seen so much and had so many things to think about.
That was chickenshit next to this.
I was thirty eight when Drake was born and I think some of my though patterns where dangerously close to getting 'old man' permanently set. Those patterns are being rewritten in ways that made my first soul shattering and rebuilding acid trip look like a trip to 7-11.
And you never come down. The trip NEVER ends.
And I am broke. And I am stressed. And I am worried about my child's future and his well being. And Bronwyn and I are so physically tired at the end of most days, all we can manage is a good night kiss and sleepy time cuddle when we really would love more. And my brothers are both unemployed. And I am often both frustrated and bored at work. And I could be laid off at almost any moment.
But I am grateful for this job that pays me so much less than I used to make. Because I travel so much less.
I have been able to see my wife and child every day since late October of last year.
That makes me so fucking happy, I cannot begin to start trying to explain the peace and bliss of it. I am desperately in love with my family. I love my wife and I love my son. I have found a happiness I had trained myself to never allow myself to hope for.
I am still me. I still have a dark moment here and there.
But I am so happy I am almost afraid I am in a psychiatric hospital somewhere, restrained, medicated and hallucinating my balls off.
My only regret is this: Amanada, I am sorry for not being able to make the time for you that I should have. I can only plead chemical insanity. But I want you to know that I am watching from the distance and I am truly impressed with your progress on the project we were working on. You have come far on less instruction than I imagined you might need. You are making the hard, but very shrewd calls.
Oh, one other regret. Lori, we have not forgotten the unpaid chocolate truffle fee for officiating our wedding. When Drake will sit still long enough for Bronwyn to be able to work chocolate, you will be receiving a sizable delivery. And anyone else Bronwyn put on the wedding truffle list. They shall arrive and with interest. I can only again plead hormonal insanity, exhaustion and a child you don't dare take your eyes off of for thirty seconds.
Now, a minor mea culpa. Jermone, I have been producing a non-commercial podcast that you can find at www.paganchaosmagic.com or by searching the ITunes Podcast Directory for Pagan Chaos Magic. In parts of the show I play some music I find inspiring and Jeff gave me permission to play some tracks off of the Tree of Shadows, Pause album.
He also donated some early vocal tracks from previous work he had done with another band, allowing me a pretty cool intro. I got so carried away, I totally forgot to pick up the phone and make sure you were cool with me playing the tracks on the podcast.
It's a trippy little podcast I am having a blast with. I am getting the kind of outstanding downloads that are kind of amazing me. If you would give your blessing to my playing the TOS material, I would appreciate it. Give it a listen if you want to hear just how insane I have finally become.
That podcast is the other thing that working the occasional fourty hour week and getting the occasional weekend off allows me. I guess you could call it a hobby. I call it an audio record of me and my ideas on spirituality, metaphysics, ethics, morality and learned wisdom for my son.
Total ego stroke to my Leo side. I am feeling warm ego fuzzies from the response to it with an odd and rarely felt taste of humility. Within weeks of it's release I am have had over 150 downloads. Feedburner estimates I have about 35 dedicated subscribers. In a freaking month and a half.
If you listen to it and have known me for years...you might not recognize me. As my dear friend Jeff told me just the other day, when he met me I was a straight laced, non-practicing christian who didn't want to be in the same room where the dope was being smoked.
I am not the man you knew two years ago. I am almost unrecognizable from who I was fifteen to twenty years ago. Very old friends of mine from my teens and early twenties seem to find me almost uncomfortably different than they remember.
What a long strange trip.
I am deliriously happy.
I am so happy I waited until I was ready to be a father. I would never have been half the father I am now if I had children earlier in life. I had much to learn. The years I spent with Holly, both the sweet and the bitter, taught me so much. I know that it is unlikely that I would have become the sort of man that Bronwyn needed if not for the time I spent with Holly. And for that, I am very grateful to her. I wish her much happiness and joy.
Did I mention I wake up smiling? Me. Smiling. In The Morning. (sometimes).
If this is all a hallucination, I never want to be pulled out of the tank.
And my son is so much like me it frightens me.
Love you all. I am going back to my stressed out fairy tale.
But I just wanted to write this happy note.
I am sorry to have seen so few of you all in the last couple of years. My life has changed in such dramatic ways.
As my physical body adapts to being a father the kind of hormonal changes that have been freaking with my brain chemistry remind me of the sort of reality redefining experiences I had during my very first LSD experience as a twenty something. My first trip was two hits of intellectual and spiritual ecstacy that I rode for eighteen hours. I saw the reality of myself and magic that day. I was never the same again. Thank all the gods for that day.
As I greated the sunrise, it shining brightly and warm in my face on that August morning, I finally smiled in my heart as well as my face. I had seen so much and had so many things to think about.
That was chickenshit next to this.
I was thirty eight when Drake was born and I think some of my though patterns where dangerously close to getting 'old man' permanently set. Those patterns are being rewritten in ways that made my first soul shattering and rebuilding acid trip look like a trip to 7-11.
And you never come down. The trip NEVER ends.
And I am broke. And I am stressed. And I am worried about my child's future and his well being. And Bronwyn and I are so physically tired at the end of most days, all we can manage is a good night kiss and sleepy time cuddle when we really would love more. And my brothers are both unemployed. And I am often both frustrated and bored at work. And I could be laid off at almost any moment.
But I am grateful for this job that pays me so much less than I used to make. Because I travel so much less.
I have been able to see my wife and child every day since late October of last year.
That makes me so fucking happy, I cannot begin to start trying to explain the peace and bliss of it. I am desperately in love with my family. I love my wife and I love my son. I have found a happiness I had trained myself to never allow myself to hope for.
I am still me. I still have a dark moment here and there.
But I am so happy I am almost afraid I am in a psychiatric hospital somewhere, restrained, medicated and hallucinating my balls off.
My only regret is this: Amanada, I am sorry for not being able to make the time for you that I should have. I can only plead chemical insanity. But I want you to know that I am watching from the distance and I am truly impressed with your progress on the project we were working on. You have come far on less instruction than I imagined you might need. You are making the hard, but very shrewd calls.
Oh, one other regret. Lori, we have not forgotten the unpaid chocolate truffle fee for officiating our wedding. When Drake will sit still long enough for Bronwyn to be able to work chocolate, you will be receiving a sizable delivery. And anyone else Bronwyn put on the wedding truffle list. They shall arrive and with interest. I can only again plead hormonal insanity, exhaustion and a child you don't dare take your eyes off of for thirty seconds.
Now, a minor mea culpa. Jermone, I have been producing a non-commercial podcast that you can find at www.paganchaosmagic.com or by searching the ITunes Podcast Directory for Pagan Chaos Magic. In parts of the show I play some music I find inspiring and Jeff gave me permission to play some tracks off of the Tree of Shadows, Pause album.
He also donated some early vocal tracks from previous work he had done with another band, allowing me a pretty cool intro. I got so carried away, I totally forgot to pick up the phone and make sure you were cool with me playing the tracks on the podcast.
It's a trippy little podcast I am having a blast with. I am getting the kind of outstanding downloads that are kind of amazing me. If you would give your blessing to my playing the TOS material, I would appreciate it. Give it a listen if you want to hear just how insane I have finally become.
That podcast is the other thing that working the occasional fourty hour week and getting the occasional weekend off allows me. I guess you could call it a hobby. I call it an audio record of me and my ideas on spirituality, metaphysics, ethics, morality and learned wisdom for my son.
Total ego stroke to my Leo side. I am feeling warm ego fuzzies from the response to it with an odd and rarely felt taste of humility. Within weeks of it's release I am have had over 150 downloads. Feedburner estimates I have about 35 dedicated subscribers. In a freaking month and a half.
If you listen to it and have known me for years...you might not recognize me. As my dear friend Jeff told me just the other day, when he met me I was a straight laced, non-practicing christian who didn't want to be in the same room where the dope was being smoked.
I am not the man you knew two years ago. I am almost unrecognizable from who I was fifteen to twenty years ago. Very old friends of mine from my teens and early twenties seem to find me almost uncomfortably different than they remember.
What a long strange trip.
I am deliriously happy.
I am so happy I waited until I was ready to be a father. I would never have been half the father I am now if I had children earlier in life. I had much to learn. The years I spent with Holly, both the sweet and the bitter, taught me so much. I know that it is unlikely that I would have become the sort of man that Bronwyn needed if not for the time I spent with Holly. And for that, I am very grateful to her. I wish her much happiness and joy.
Did I mention I wake up smiling? Me. Smiling. In The Morning. (sometimes).
If this is all a hallucination, I never want to be pulled out of the tank.
And my son is so much like me it frightens me.
Love you all. I am going back to my stressed out fairy tale.