(no subject)
I've tried a few times to do an update, but...fuck. A lot has happened.
"The Mandy Thing". Last time, she flaked on me. Basically, went on NC, she got in contact, brief chat, acted as if I didn't give a fuck, leading to her initiating everything. Concluding with me meeting up for a drink with her on the way back to Brighton from London (I didn't tell her in advance, she just text me on the day I was there to ask what I was upto). This led to a few hours talking, a cheeky kiss and a suggestion of seeing each other a bit more. Fast forward and she came down, took her to an open day at the racecourse with some friends. Fine, dandy, ended up staying the night etc. Then I started to question myself; am I really attracted to her? Is this just a rebound? It...was definitely a rebound.
During this time we still talked and things, but it got to a point where I realised it was a rebound, and we hadn't met up in nearly 3 weeks. It just wasn't going to work. So I called, broke up whatever 'it' was between us and that was that. (Other reasons apply...but I will come to that.) She seemed a bit disappointed (can you blame her? I did a pretty douchey thing, coming back into her life after a year...to mess her about again..) but logistically, I think we both knew nothing would really come of it with the distance. I felt bad, and we've been in contact since (she's not in a good place generally at the moment). I hope we can remain sort of friends, but I've obviously backed off and given her space for the time being.
Some of the above crossed over with...HEY GUESS WHO. "The Ex". Not just any ex, but "THE" ex.
Now, since we broke up in Feb, she's messaged me a handful of times. The first two times, after a week or two, and then maybe a month, I outright ignored both. In fact, I didn't even *read* them - just swipe, delete. That was empowering. I felt good and in control - this time round, I wasn't broken. However, I did have my 'dip' when the girls told me about that FB thing, and I messaged her asking for my shit back - but I still was blunt about it - "just send me my gift, that's all i want". I stuck to that, didn't rise to her blowing me up with angry / upset messages, telling me how I'm making her life shit. She later said she'd sent it, and I said ta. That was it.
Fast forward...I dunno, a month? And I'm sitting in a pub with Elysia watching Chelsea winning in the Champions league. OH LOOK ANOTHER MESSAGE. At this point - I truly, truly don't care. But I'm drunk! So I read the message - it's about arranging for someone to come and get her stuff. That's fine, that's stuff that does have to be sorted. I respond by sticking to the subject and that only - completely ignore her "how are you anyway" "fine you don't want to talk" quips.
Then this dumb bitch puts me in a group chat with a couple of her friends (?!) to arrange someone to come by and get her stuff. I was majorly pissed off at the time - who does that? Just sort it out between you and your friends and let me know. I kept my cool - and just left after saying "just let me know when". Then comes the whole "don't you want to try to be friends?" ....Uhh...nope. Pretty much - said that part of my life was done, and no I don't want to be friends.
Thought, WELL that's that done.
Nope.
About 3 weeks later, I'm at work, on a Sunday and I get this loooong message suddenly appear on my phone. Oh shit, it's her again. But it's not a breadcrumb, it's not a message trying to 'work me out'. It's her apologizing, begging for another chance, saying she still loves me, she'll change her flights home if I'd agree to see her, she regrets everything, blah blah blah. Completely knocked me if I'm honest.
I took some time to take it in before I made the decision that I was going to reply - and I asked a good few people about it too. Does it sound genuine? Is she just trying to set it up so she has me when she gets back? What the fuck? But I concluded, hey, at the very least, it deserves a reply - I don't think I can just ignore this message like the majority of the others.
I reply a few days later. I'd consider meeting up when she's back but I don't know how I feel anymore.
Enter a long, difficult month of us talking things through via facebook and text. It started with that message, I did my best to try to keep it casual and brief, wanting to wait till she was back in order to attempt to reconnect then...but nope. Her messages became more and more frantic, desperate, angry at one point (she found out I was "seeing" someone else, obviously not knowing the full truth of what was going on between myself and Mandy)....and yeah. It's been messy. It's been largely honest. I've still made it abundantly clear that there has been no decision, and we need to talk face to face before absolutely anything is considered.
I've been having a hard time with it all though. It's put me back in that mental fuckery because *I've* allowed it.
I know I shouldn't even be considering in getting back with her *again*. I know, realistically, she probably won't change and we'll still have the same issues. I know that this probably isn't in my best interests and I'm setting myself up for more emotional heartache. But if I know all of this, then why can't I just let this go? Why can't I just say - no, you've had your chances, fuck off and don't contact me ever again. Why can't I do this? I mean, I'm not even sure if I love her still. I really don't know. I think, if and when we meet up, I'll know but right now - I don't feel anything. She writes all these words in messages, but I just see her selfishness shine through them - "I miss you so much" right, because you want what you can't have, because you're lonely, because you don't want someone else to have me. It's just so goddamn convenient isn't it?
I am being ridiculous, seriously. I don't; know why I'm letting her back in again, why I'm bothering to do this.
I'm fighting with myself over it and I'm hoping I'll do the right thing when it comes down to it. It does sound if I'm hurting again, but I have to reiterate that I'm really not 'hurting'. I'm just genuinely confused because I can't work out if I can be bothered, or if I care enough about her, or more importantly, whether I can let myself let HER hurt me *again*.
"The Mandy Thing". Last time, she flaked on me. Basically, went on NC, she got in contact, brief chat, acted as if I didn't give a fuck, leading to her initiating everything. Concluding with me meeting up for a drink with her on the way back to Brighton from London (I didn't tell her in advance, she just text me on the day I was there to ask what I was upto). This led to a few hours talking, a cheeky kiss and a suggestion of seeing each other a bit more. Fast forward and she came down, took her to an open day at the racecourse with some friends. Fine, dandy, ended up staying the night etc. Then I started to question myself; am I really attracted to her? Is this just a rebound? It...was definitely a rebound.
During this time we still talked and things, but it got to a point where I realised it was a rebound, and we hadn't met up in nearly 3 weeks. It just wasn't going to work. So I called, broke up whatever 'it' was between us and that was that. (Other reasons apply...but I will come to that.) She seemed a bit disappointed (can you blame her? I did a pretty douchey thing, coming back into her life after a year...to mess her about again..) but logistically, I think we both knew nothing would really come of it with the distance. I felt bad, and we've been in contact since (she's not in a good place generally at the moment). I hope we can remain sort of friends, but I've obviously backed off and given her space for the time being.
Some of the above crossed over with...HEY GUESS WHO. "The Ex". Not just any ex, but "THE" ex.
Now, since we broke up in Feb, she's messaged me a handful of times. The first two times, after a week or two, and then maybe a month, I outright ignored both. In fact, I didn't even *read* them - just swipe, delete. That was empowering. I felt good and in control - this time round, I wasn't broken. However, I did have my 'dip' when the girls told me about that FB thing, and I messaged her asking for my shit back - but I still was blunt about it - "just send me my gift, that's all i want". I stuck to that, didn't rise to her blowing me up with angry / upset messages, telling me how I'm making her life shit. She later said she'd sent it, and I said ta. That was it.
Fast forward...I dunno, a month? And I'm sitting in a pub with Elysia watching Chelsea winning in the Champions league. OH LOOK ANOTHER MESSAGE. At this point - I truly, truly don't care. But I'm drunk! So I read the message - it's about arranging for someone to come and get her stuff. That's fine, that's stuff that does have to be sorted. I respond by sticking to the subject and that only - completely ignore her "how are you anyway" "fine you don't want to talk" quips.
Then this dumb bitch puts me in a group chat with a couple of her friends (?!) to arrange someone to come by and get her stuff. I was majorly pissed off at the time - who does that? Just sort it out between you and your friends and let me know. I kept my cool - and just left after saying "just let me know when". Then comes the whole "don't you want to try to be friends?" ....Uhh...nope. Pretty much - said that part of my life was done, and no I don't want to be friends.
Thought, WELL that's that done.
Nope.
About 3 weeks later, I'm at work, on a Sunday and I get this loooong message suddenly appear on my phone. Oh shit, it's her again. But it's not a breadcrumb, it's not a message trying to 'work me out'. It's her apologizing, begging for another chance, saying she still loves me, she'll change her flights home if I'd agree to see her, she regrets everything, blah blah blah. Completely knocked me if I'm honest.
I took some time to take it in before I made the decision that I was going to reply - and I asked a good few people about it too. Does it sound genuine? Is she just trying to set it up so she has me when she gets back? What the fuck? But I concluded, hey, at the very least, it deserves a reply - I don't think I can just ignore this message like the majority of the others.
I reply a few days later. I'd consider meeting up when she's back but I don't know how I feel anymore.
Enter a long, difficult month of us talking things through via facebook and text. It started with that message, I did my best to try to keep it casual and brief, wanting to wait till she was back in order to attempt to reconnect then...but nope. Her messages became more and more frantic, desperate, angry at one point (she found out I was "seeing" someone else, obviously not knowing the full truth of what was going on between myself and Mandy)....and yeah. It's been messy. It's been largely honest. I've still made it abundantly clear that there has been no decision, and we need to talk face to face before absolutely anything is considered.
I've been having a hard time with it all though. It's put me back in that mental fuckery because *I've* allowed it.
I know I shouldn't even be considering in getting back with her *again*. I know, realistically, she probably won't change and we'll still have the same issues. I know that this probably isn't in my best interests and I'm setting myself up for more emotional heartache. But if I know all of this, then why can't I just let this go? Why can't I just say - no, you've had your chances, fuck off and don't contact me ever again. Why can't I do this? I mean, I'm not even sure if I love her still. I really don't know. I think, if and when we meet up, I'll know but right now - I don't feel anything. She writes all these words in messages, but I just see her selfishness shine through them - "I miss you so much" right, because you want what you can't have, because you're lonely, because you don't want someone else to have me. It's just so goddamn convenient isn't it?
I am being ridiculous, seriously. I don't; know why I'm letting her back in again, why I'm bothering to do this.
I'm fighting with myself over it and I'm hoping I'll do the right thing when it comes down to it. It does sound if I'm hurting again, but I have to reiterate that I'm really not 'hurting'. I'm just genuinely confused because I can't work out if I can be bothered, or if I care enough about her, or more importantly, whether I can let myself let HER hurt me *again*.