(no subject)
LJ, I've ended up back-tracking myself. Bad times.
I did ignore her, for a solid week and a bit. And then, on the morning of Pride in the early hours, she just had to text me....asking if I was ignoring her, and if I was ok? Of course I'm not fucking ok, you stupid bitch.
I should have just ignored it. I should have. It made me upset during the day, and I had a little cry, but I perked up. Got in at 6am on the Sunday, was a fucking awesome day of drinking. Best pride yet.
But then Sunday rolled around and for some reason, I text her back. Not only did I text her back, but I also said I wanted to work at things. And that I needed to know if she was in the same frame of mind. And that I'm giving her the option of trying, or else it's time to move on. It seemed pretty sensible at the time I guess; grown up and stable minded, yet straight forward and to the point. But now every time I look back on the messages I sent...they just smell a bit desperate. And I really wish I had just continued to ignore her.
Because now, by texting her that stuff, I've put the power back into her hands. She's not wondering what I'm doing / thinking about things anymore because I've told her. She's ultimately back in control as I'm waiting for her answer. I'm still waiting. And waiting. And because of that, I feel helpless and weak again, which should not be the case.
My own downfall. My own mistake and lesson learned.
I also rung her accidentally this morning as I pushed the wrong button when I was half asleep. So wonderful.
The funny thing is, after saying I wanted to try and make things work, I'm starting to come round to fact that, well, I kind of don't. I think, now I have a bit more clarity, I am just scared of the change. Scared of losing something that was 'mine'. Scared of not being able to find anyone else after her. All these silly little insecurities have come to light. Which, is normal of course, but I don't think I'm necessarily scared about not having her - her actual self. Just the idea, the idea of 'her'. I'm glad I'm starting to think like this, though let's be honest, sometimes not 24/7. It comes and goes still; sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm happy.
I still need more time of course. It'll take a while longer for me to be completely over everything, and that's fine. I'm aware of that.
More than anything right now, I just seriously regret texting her back. Shouldn't have done it.
I did ignore her, for a solid week and a bit. And then, on the morning of Pride in the early hours, she just had to text me....asking if I was ignoring her, and if I was ok? Of course I'm not fucking ok, you stupid bitch.
I should have just ignored it. I should have. It made me upset during the day, and I had a little cry, but I perked up. Got in at 6am on the Sunday, was a fucking awesome day of drinking. Best pride yet.
But then Sunday rolled around and for some reason, I text her back. Not only did I text her back, but I also said I wanted to work at things. And that I needed to know if she was in the same frame of mind. And that I'm giving her the option of trying, or else it's time to move on. It seemed pretty sensible at the time I guess; grown up and stable minded, yet straight forward and to the point. But now every time I look back on the messages I sent...they just smell a bit desperate. And I really wish I had just continued to ignore her.
Because now, by texting her that stuff, I've put the power back into her hands. She's not wondering what I'm doing / thinking about things anymore because I've told her. She's ultimately back in control as I'm waiting for her answer. I'm still waiting. And waiting. And because of that, I feel helpless and weak again, which should not be the case.
My own downfall. My own mistake and lesson learned.
I also rung her accidentally this morning as I pushed the wrong button when I was half asleep. So wonderful.
The funny thing is, after saying I wanted to try and make things work, I'm starting to come round to fact that, well, I kind of don't. I think, now I have a bit more clarity, I am just scared of the change. Scared of losing something that was 'mine'. Scared of not being able to find anyone else after her. All these silly little insecurities have come to light. Which, is normal of course, but I don't think I'm necessarily scared about not having her - her actual self. Just the idea, the idea of 'her'. I'm glad I'm starting to think like this, though let's be honest, sometimes not 24/7. It comes and goes still; sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm happy.
I still need more time of course. It'll take a while longer for me to be completely over everything, and that's fine. I'm aware of that.
More than anything right now, I just seriously regret texting her back. Shouldn't have done it.