Jumping out of cakes should only be done by professionals. [Gintama | Kondo/Sacchan | R]
Title: Jumping out of cakes should only be done by professionals.
By: worblehat
Fandom: Gintama
Pairing: Kondo/Sacchan
Rating: R
Summary: Stalker-sex.
Notes: For prpl_pen as a belated birthday present! ♥ Self-beta'd, so I'm sorry if I missed any errors. Also, I Japanified some of the dialog. I just...thought it read funnier that way. Apologies if this pisses anyone off.
Word Count: 2,539
The cake was set: vanilla white, with creamy pink bows down the sides, guaranteed to be enough for one person to slip inside and pop out of later, thereby surprising the birthday girl or boy, preferably while wearing nothing but the cake.
At least, this was Sacchan's thinking.
"I'll take that one," she said, pointing to strawberry-topped confection. She watched it being wheeled toward her, a ladder set up next to it: her entrance into sexy seclusion.
"Give us the address and hop inside-aru," said the redheaded attendant, who held out her hand while one finger remained firmly in her left nostril.
"Are you going to wash your hands before you give him the cake?" asked Sacchan, a look of disgust evident on her face.
"Huh?" asked the attendant, whose name tag only said "K." K flicked the offending nose produce to the ground, and smiled. "This gives it flavour-aru!" she said, running her finger along one of the lower edges, swiping some of the creamy frosting before shoving the digit in her mouth. "See? It's- Blaaaaaargggghhhh."
Sacchan jumped back just in time to avoid the massive outpouring of vomit slowly covering the entire floor.
"Kagura!" said another attendant - this one named "S." He had dark brown hair, thick glasses and looked like an otaku. "Stop vomiting everywhere!"
"But Shinpachi!" protested K. "Boogers are disgusting-aru! I can't believe I ate th- Blaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhh."
"Kagura!"
"Oi, Otaku-kun," said Sacchan, clapping a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "Leave barf girl and help me make all of Gin-san's dirty fantasies come true~"
"...I'm not sure I want to do that," said S nervously. "And- Wait, Otaku? I'm not really one! I just-"
Sacchan's eyes narrowed behind her semi-thick rims. "Are you going to open the cake or not?!"
"Fine - relax!" said S, bringing the ladder forward and setting it up near the cake.
"Wait...aren't you going to open the lid?" asked Sacchan. She didn't want to mess up the beautiful and distracting decorations on the outside; Gin-san might get mad. And then he might punish her; wickedly and thoroughly, using all of his might to-
"Nevermind!" she said cheerily, cheeks flushed as she took the ladder from him and climbing steadily upward, a determined grin on her face. "Oh - hold these?" she half-asked, half-commanded, tossing down her glasses to S, who caught them accidentally with his mouth, which he'd opened to ask "catch wha-mmph!"
S held the ladder steady as she undid the latch on the top of the cake, popping it open and attempting to step inside. It felt uneven and she frowned, trying to step in several places, finally encountering an "Ouch! That's my face!"
"Eh?" She peered down. "Who's there? ...Gin-san? Is that you?!"
She didn't waste anymore time hopping inside the cake, closing the latch, and giving a muffled command for S to start moving them towards the Yorozuya, her hands greedily outstretched to feel the man of her dreams, who had obviously caught on to her idea and waited for her.
"Gin-san...I've always wanted to do it in a cake..." said Sacchan romantically, reaching forward and sliding her hand against his chest.
"Huh? I'm not Gin-san."
Sacchan blinked in the darkness. "...Oh~ Role play? Let me guess..." She leaned in, nibbling gently at his chin. "Sensei, I've been a bad girl-"
"Stop eating my face!"
She frowned. "You don't like cannibal!play?"
"No!" said the voice at her left. "And why is your hand there? I've got to stay pure for Otae-san!"
"Otae-san?" repeated Sacchan blankly. She felt around a bit more - the face, the hands, the crotch.
"Watch it!"
"You're...the gorilla?" she asked, one hand forming into a fist and punching him in the stomach. "Huh?" she asked, punching again. "Answer me, you baboon!"
Kondo coughed. "Why a baboon?" he sputtered.
"Shut up, Gorilla!"
"...Ah, Gorilla again."
Sacchan tried to kick him; but there wasn't enough room and she ended up in a compromising position, with her groin pressed precariously close to Kondo's face. "...How did this happen?"
"Why are you asking me?!"
"We should figure out a way around this," said Sacchan, trying to move again; this time ending up in a straddle above Kondo's crossed legs. "Is this your face or your butt?" she asked, feeling the space in front of her.
"My face, my face!" said Kondo, tears falling rapidly down his cheeks at the verbal abuse.
"So hairy..." Sacchan slipped her hands higher, rifling through the thick locks. "Why are you in my cake, anyway?"
"I heard there was going to be a surprise birthday party..." Kondo began to explain. "And that there was going to be a big cake. When I was listening under the oven, Shinpachi said that this cake was going to Sakata-san's house and that a surprise guest would be inside. I thought maybe it would be Otae-san..."
"Well, now that you know it isn't, will you get out?!" asked Sacchan forcefully.
"I can't! You're sitting on me and you're heavier than the dainty, nimble, Ot-"
"If you say one more word about her, I'll put an end to your manhood" - she said, grabbing at his crotch and giving a threatening squeeze - "quickly and painfully."
Kondo became immediately silent.
Sacchan's heart beat a little faster.
...What? What am I feeling right now?
Well, it's hair. Hair and...nothing but a speedo.
But what's this feeling? He did what I said...and he's staying quiet...
She decided to test the situation a little more. "My shoulders hurt from being cramped in this position," said Sacchan. "Massage them for me until we get there."
Kondo didn't even grunt, simply reaching upward with his hands and placing them on top of her shoulders, fingers kneading the tense muscles beneath. Sacchan remained silent for the most part, only letting out appreciative moans once every twenty seconds (versus her normal five-second spans).
When she felt him hardening between her legs, she skimmed her fingers along his torso, up and higher until she reached his arms; fingertips continuing to move, grabbing hold of his hands and slowly inching them downward until they were lightly gripping her chest.
"S...Sarutobi-san," coughed Kondo, attempting to be formal and ignore the fact that breasts had magically appeared in his hands somehow.
"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?"
Kondo swallowed down his protests, continuing to massage; gasping when her hands guided one of his beneath her bikini top, encouraging him to tease and squeeze the skin there, index and forefinger rolling around the hardened protrusion that resulted from his efforts. He closed his eyes - though he could barely see as it was, since the inside of the cake had no form of lighting whatsoever - and tried to imagine Otae. But Sacchan's breathing against his ear was hard to ignore - probably because it sounds so ho- thought Kondo, cutting off the last word, not wanting to betray Otae so thoroughly with another woman.
"Stop thinking about her," said Sacchan.
Kondo letting out an impressed breath. "How did you kn-"
"Any true stalker knows these things!"
Despite himself and his current position, Kondo was enthralled. Here was a true master! One who could lead him down from the telephone pole of love and directly into Otae's heart. This was the goddess who was-
-Tugging down his speedos and holding his cock. He was about to ask what she was doing, then remembered that he wasn't supposed to speak. He settled instead for squirming, trying to get across that this wasn't supposed to be happening - and just what was happening, anyway?!
Kondo didn't have to wonder long when she sank down onto him, moaning deep and unreservedly. There wasn't enough room to thrust upward, so he left it to her; one hand at her breast, the other making its way down her back, squeezing when he reached the curve of skin he was seeking.
"Mmmm," said Sacchan, contracting tightly around him in the ways she'd practiced so many times for Gintoki; causing Kondo's breathing to stop, his head thrown back against the wall of cake behind him. She grabbed his neck, pulling him towards her and pressing her lips hungrily towards his, her other hand slipping low behind her.
Kondo slipped his fingers through hers, thinking she wanted to hold hands. He made a nose of confusion, his tongue still very much stuck in her mouth when she disengaged their digits, taking his index finger and running it between her cheeks. He still wasn't sure of what to do and she broke the kiss, scowling impatiently.
"In, you stupid monkey! Put them in!"
Kondo blinked in the darkness. "What...in there?" He blushed deeply. "That's not where a lady should-"
"Fuck being a lady," said Sacchan, beginning to grin.
That...that really is kind of hot, Kondo admitted to himself, feeling like a traitor and a lousy choice for Otae suddenly. He closed his eyes tightly, willing his thoughts away. It proved to be fairly simple: he slid one finger inside, the way Sacchan had told him, and then a second one shortly after that. Her head fell forward against his neck, breaths unsteady, gasps turning into whimpers for more.
...Sakata-san passed up on this?! he wondered idly as the heat rose and fell along his cock, Sacchan's legs tightening around his waist and legs, her own orgasm drawing closer. The only thing Kondo could hear were her moans - as well as a few partially-swallowed ones of his - above the wetness between her thighs.
"Gorilla...gorilla, I can't...so close..." she breathed, finally biting down onto his neck, making his eyes cross as he cried out. Her teeth sunk deeper and more harshly as she came, body shuddering at the pent up desires that had gone so long neglected. Kondo couldn't think of anything, the tightness around him overwhelming him; forcing a cry out of him as he came in prolonged, wet spurts - his own neglect having been far longer than hers.
"Mmm...you're not bad, for a mammal," she said, teeth finally letting go as she rested her head on his shoulder, breaths warm against his neck.
"aalskdnflanfd," said Kondo thoughtfully, his mouth not quite working along with his brain just then. He breathed - in, then out, rather than the in-in-out he'd been attempting - and considered the faint hum in the background. "...Hey," he said. "what's that they're singing?"
"to youuuuuuuu..." sang a chorus of three.
"Shh!" she whispered, trying to listen better - one head pressed against the wall.
"Gin-san, I don't think you're supposed to sing to yourself," said someone Sacchan recognised as S.
"Oi. It's a festive time," said Gintoki, his voice discernible to both of the people currently occupying the inside of the cake. "I can sing to myself if I want to."
"Where's the cake?" asked another voice; identified by Sacchan as K, or barf girl.
"I'll get it," said S.
Kondo and Sacchan could feel themselves being wheeled out.
"Shit! Get out of me, you tyrannosaurus!" she hissed.
"Tyrannosaurus? That's not even close to gorilla!" he argued.
"Gin-chan, your cake is making noise-aru," said K.
"What kind of weird cake did you get me?" asked Gintoki. "It's not the kind where aliens pop out and take over your country, is it? Because the last time that happened-"
"No," S interrupted. "This was sent by your stalker."
"Stalker?" asked Gintoki. "...Oh. Why don't you open it, Shinpachi? I'm not in the mood for cake."
"...What?!" shrieked Sacchan from inside. "Dooooryyyaaaa!" she cried, kicking down the cake wall with admirable strength, landing flat on top of Gintoki, who pushed her away. "I got it for you..." she said, holding up one hand of frosting.
"...Um, not that it's any of my business," said S. "But why are you naked?"
"Huh?"
"It's not what you think!" said Kondo from beneath the coffee table. "We were just having sex!"
"Idiot!" said Sacchan.
"Does this mean you'll stop chasing after my sister?" asked S.
"...No."
"Oi, Gorilla," said K, pointing to his stomach. "You have cream on your manhood-aru."
"That's not-"
Gintoki panicked. "Uh oh! Kagura! I think Sadaharu's choking on something! Why don't you take him to the vet?"
"He ate the vet-aru," answered K, looking away.
Ignoring her confused looks, both S and Gintoki dragged her away, talking about birds, bees, trees and in vitro fertilisation.
"You ruined everything..." said Sacchan, two tears running down her cheeks.
"Otae-san will never speak to me again, now..." said Kondo, even thicker tears running down his cheeks.
Sacchan frowned. "She wasn't talking to you before, stupid."
"Sakata-san throws rocks at you."
"I like that kind of play, thank you very much."
"Rock play?!" he asked, incredulous. "That isn't even real. Punching-in-the-face play, though-"
"You mean a donkey punch*?"
Kondo looked dazed. "A what?"
Sacchan crossed her legs, ignoring the fact that her bikini bottom was half off and her top had been lost somewhere in the midst of all the cake. "You've got a lot to learn," she said, pushing up her glasses - or meaning to, but only poking herself in the eyes instead.
"Ouch!"
"Why'd you poke yourself in the eye?" asked Kondo, confused.
"Help me find my glasses, idiot!"
He didn't dare open his mouth to ask what they looked like, climbing out from under the table and feeling through the various mounds of vanilla and strawberry; finally locating her glasses, wiping off the residual cake and placing them on her face.
She considered him thoughtfully before frowning and taking them back off, reaching for his arm.
"Hey! I'm not that bad to look at!" he protested.
"I'm sorry, I'm not fluent in gorilla," she said calmly, forcing him to stand up with her. "Now go find me some clothes so we can get out of here."
"...We could just take the cake," he pointed out.
She squinted. "Was that a pun?"
"...No?"
Her eyes unfocused and she smiled. "You're too dumb for wordplay," she said as she took a firmer hold of his arm, throwing him over one shoulder until he landed in the cake's center. She lunged in after him, her ass landing in his face.
"How do we get it moving?" she asked an unconscious Kondo. "...Gorilla? Hey!"
A small line of drool began to slide down from the edge of his mouth, the cake slowly edging down the stairs.
"What's that sound?" asked Sacchan ominously; her screams echoing across the whole of Edo five seconds later, the cake flying down the middle of the town; Kondo waking up halfway through the mess and passing out from sheer terror.
...And Sacchan smiling, ignoring the fact that she was probably going to die as she laced hands with her new unconscious boyfriend.
-
*Please don't look up this term if you are a feminist or um...don't like reading things that probably aren't funny to a majority of the population. >.>
By: worblehat
Fandom: Gintama
Pairing: Kondo/Sacchan
Rating: R
Summary: Stalker-sex.
Notes: For prpl_pen as a belated birthday present! ♥ Self-beta'd, so I'm sorry if I missed any errors. Also, I Japanified some of the dialog. I just...thought it read funnier that way. Apologies if this pisses anyone off.
Word Count: 2,539
The cake was set: vanilla white, with creamy pink bows down the sides, guaranteed to be enough for one person to slip inside and pop out of later, thereby surprising the birthday girl or boy, preferably while wearing nothing but the cake.
At least, this was Sacchan's thinking.
"I'll take that one," she said, pointing to strawberry-topped confection. She watched it being wheeled toward her, a ladder set up next to it: her entrance into sexy seclusion.
"Give us the address and hop inside-aru," said the redheaded attendant, who held out her hand while one finger remained firmly in her left nostril.
"Are you going to wash your hands before you give him the cake?" asked Sacchan, a look of disgust evident on her face.
"Huh?" asked the attendant, whose name tag only said "K." K flicked the offending nose produce to the ground, and smiled. "This gives it flavour-aru!" she said, running her finger along one of the lower edges, swiping some of the creamy frosting before shoving the digit in her mouth. "See? It's- Blaaaaaargggghhhh."
Sacchan jumped back just in time to avoid the massive outpouring of vomit slowly covering the entire floor.
"Kagura!" said another attendant - this one named "S." He had dark brown hair, thick glasses and looked like an otaku. "Stop vomiting everywhere!"
"But Shinpachi!" protested K. "Boogers are disgusting-aru! I can't believe I ate th- Blaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhh."
"Kagura!"
"Oi, Otaku-kun," said Sacchan, clapping a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "Leave barf girl and help me make all of Gin-san's dirty fantasies come true~"
"...I'm not sure I want to do that," said S nervously. "And- Wait, Otaku? I'm not really one! I just-"
Sacchan's eyes narrowed behind her semi-thick rims. "Are you going to open the cake or not?!"
"Fine - relax!" said S, bringing the ladder forward and setting it up near the cake.
"Wait...aren't you going to open the lid?" asked Sacchan. She didn't want to mess up the beautiful and distracting decorations on the outside; Gin-san might get mad. And then he might punish her; wickedly and thoroughly, using all of his might to-
"Nevermind!" she said cheerily, cheeks flushed as she took the ladder from him and climbing steadily upward, a determined grin on her face. "Oh - hold these?" she half-asked, half-commanded, tossing down her glasses to S, who caught them accidentally with his mouth, which he'd opened to ask "catch wha-mmph!"
S held the ladder steady as she undid the latch on the top of the cake, popping it open and attempting to step inside. It felt uneven and she frowned, trying to step in several places, finally encountering an "Ouch! That's my face!"
"Eh?" She peered down. "Who's there? ...Gin-san? Is that you?!"
She didn't waste anymore time hopping inside the cake, closing the latch, and giving a muffled command for S to start moving them towards the Yorozuya, her hands greedily outstretched to feel the man of her dreams, who had obviously caught on to her idea and waited for her.
"Gin-san...I've always wanted to do it in a cake..." said Sacchan romantically, reaching forward and sliding her hand against his chest.
"Huh? I'm not Gin-san."
Sacchan blinked in the darkness. "...Oh~ Role play? Let me guess..." She leaned in, nibbling gently at his chin. "Sensei, I've been a bad girl-"
"Stop eating my face!"
She frowned. "You don't like cannibal!play?"
"No!" said the voice at her left. "And why is your hand there? I've got to stay pure for Otae-san!"
"Otae-san?" repeated Sacchan blankly. She felt around a bit more - the face, the hands, the crotch.
"Watch it!"
"You're...the gorilla?" she asked, one hand forming into a fist and punching him in the stomach. "Huh?" she asked, punching again. "Answer me, you baboon!"
Kondo coughed. "Why a baboon?" he sputtered.
"Shut up, Gorilla!"
"...Ah, Gorilla again."
Sacchan tried to kick him; but there wasn't enough room and she ended up in a compromising position, with her groin pressed precariously close to Kondo's face. "...How did this happen?"
"Why are you asking me?!"
"We should figure out a way around this," said Sacchan, trying to move again; this time ending up in a straddle above Kondo's crossed legs. "Is this your face or your butt?" she asked, feeling the space in front of her.
"My face, my face!" said Kondo, tears falling rapidly down his cheeks at the verbal abuse.
"So hairy..." Sacchan slipped her hands higher, rifling through the thick locks. "Why are you in my cake, anyway?"
"I heard there was going to be a surprise birthday party..." Kondo began to explain. "And that there was going to be a big cake. When I was listening under the oven, Shinpachi said that this cake was going to Sakata-san's house and that a surprise guest would be inside. I thought maybe it would be Otae-san..."
"Well, now that you know it isn't, will you get out?!" asked Sacchan forcefully.
"I can't! You're sitting on me and you're heavier than the dainty, nimble, Ot-"
"If you say one more word about her, I'll put an end to your manhood" - she said, grabbing at his crotch and giving a threatening squeeze - "quickly and painfully."
Kondo became immediately silent.
Sacchan's heart beat a little faster.
...What? What am I feeling right now?
Well, it's hair. Hair and...nothing but a speedo.
But what's this feeling? He did what I said...and he's staying quiet...
She decided to test the situation a little more. "My shoulders hurt from being cramped in this position," said Sacchan. "Massage them for me until we get there."
Kondo didn't even grunt, simply reaching upward with his hands and placing them on top of her shoulders, fingers kneading the tense muscles beneath. Sacchan remained silent for the most part, only letting out appreciative moans once every twenty seconds (versus her normal five-second spans).
When she felt him hardening between her legs, she skimmed her fingers along his torso, up and higher until she reached his arms; fingertips continuing to move, grabbing hold of his hands and slowly inching them downward until they were lightly gripping her chest.
"S...Sarutobi-san," coughed Kondo, attempting to be formal and ignore the fact that breasts had magically appeared in his hands somehow.
"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?"
Kondo swallowed down his protests, continuing to massage; gasping when her hands guided one of his beneath her bikini top, encouraging him to tease and squeeze the skin there, index and forefinger rolling around the hardened protrusion that resulted from his efforts. He closed his eyes - though he could barely see as it was, since the inside of the cake had no form of lighting whatsoever - and tried to imagine Otae. But Sacchan's breathing against his ear was hard to ignore - probably because it sounds so ho- thought Kondo, cutting off the last word, not wanting to betray Otae so thoroughly with another woman.
"Stop thinking about her," said Sacchan.
Kondo letting out an impressed breath. "How did you kn-"
"Any true stalker knows these things!"
Despite himself and his current position, Kondo was enthralled. Here was a true master! One who could lead him down from the telephone pole of love and directly into Otae's heart. This was the goddess who was-
-Tugging down his speedos and holding his cock. He was about to ask what she was doing, then remembered that he wasn't supposed to speak. He settled instead for squirming, trying to get across that this wasn't supposed to be happening - and just what was happening, anyway?!
Kondo didn't have to wonder long when she sank down onto him, moaning deep and unreservedly. There wasn't enough room to thrust upward, so he left it to her; one hand at her breast, the other making its way down her back, squeezing when he reached the curve of skin he was seeking.
"Mmmm," said Sacchan, contracting tightly around him in the ways she'd practiced so many times for Gintoki; causing Kondo's breathing to stop, his head thrown back against the wall of cake behind him. She grabbed his neck, pulling him towards her and pressing her lips hungrily towards his, her other hand slipping low behind her.
Kondo slipped his fingers through hers, thinking she wanted to hold hands. He made a nose of confusion, his tongue still very much stuck in her mouth when she disengaged their digits, taking his index finger and running it between her cheeks. He still wasn't sure of what to do and she broke the kiss, scowling impatiently.
"In, you stupid monkey! Put them in!"
Kondo blinked in the darkness. "What...in there?" He blushed deeply. "That's not where a lady should-"
"Fuck being a lady," said Sacchan, beginning to grin.
That...that really is kind of hot, Kondo admitted to himself, feeling like a traitor and a lousy choice for Otae suddenly. He closed his eyes tightly, willing his thoughts away. It proved to be fairly simple: he slid one finger inside, the way Sacchan had told him, and then a second one shortly after that. Her head fell forward against his neck, breaths unsteady, gasps turning into whimpers for more.
...Sakata-san passed up on this?! he wondered idly as the heat rose and fell along his cock, Sacchan's legs tightening around his waist and legs, her own orgasm drawing closer. The only thing Kondo could hear were her moans - as well as a few partially-swallowed ones of his - above the wetness between her thighs.
"Gorilla...gorilla, I can't...so close..." she breathed, finally biting down onto his neck, making his eyes cross as he cried out. Her teeth sunk deeper and more harshly as she came, body shuddering at the pent up desires that had gone so long neglected. Kondo couldn't think of anything, the tightness around him overwhelming him; forcing a cry out of him as he came in prolonged, wet spurts - his own neglect having been far longer than hers.
"Mmm...you're not bad, for a mammal," she said, teeth finally letting go as she rested her head on his shoulder, breaths warm against his neck.
"aalskdnflanfd," said Kondo thoughtfully, his mouth not quite working along with his brain just then. He breathed - in, then out, rather than the in-in-out he'd been attempting - and considered the faint hum in the background. "...Hey," he said. "what's that they're singing?"
"to youuuuuuuu..." sang a chorus of three.
"Shh!" she whispered, trying to listen better - one head pressed against the wall.
"Gin-san, I don't think you're supposed to sing to yourself," said someone Sacchan recognised as S.
"Oi. It's a festive time," said Gintoki, his voice discernible to both of the people currently occupying the inside of the cake. "I can sing to myself if I want to."
"Where's the cake?" asked another voice; identified by Sacchan as K, or barf girl.
"I'll get it," said S.
Kondo and Sacchan could feel themselves being wheeled out.
"Shit! Get out of me, you tyrannosaurus!" she hissed.
"Tyrannosaurus? That's not even close to gorilla!" he argued.
"Gin-chan, your cake is making noise-aru," said K.
"What kind of weird cake did you get me?" asked Gintoki. "It's not the kind where aliens pop out and take over your country, is it? Because the last time that happened-"
"No," S interrupted. "This was sent by your stalker."
"Stalker?" asked Gintoki. "...Oh. Why don't you open it, Shinpachi? I'm not in the mood for cake."
"...What?!" shrieked Sacchan from inside. "Dooooryyyaaaa!" she cried, kicking down the cake wall with admirable strength, landing flat on top of Gintoki, who pushed her away. "I got it for you..." she said, holding up one hand of frosting.
"...Um, not that it's any of my business," said S. "But why are you naked?"
"Huh?"
"It's not what you think!" said Kondo from beneath the coffee table. "We were just having sex!"
"Idiot!" said Sacchan.
"Does this mean you'll stop chasing after my sister?" asked S.
"...No."
"Oi, Gorilla," said K, pointing to his stomach. "You have cream on your manhood-aru."
"That's not-"
Gintoki panicked. "Uh oh! Kagura! I think Sadaharu's choking on something! Why don't you take him to the vet?"
"He ate the vet-aru," answered K, looking away.
Ignoring her confused looks, both S and Gintoki dragged her away, talking about birds, bees, trees and in vitro fertilisation.
"You ruined everything..." said Sacchan, two tears running down her cheeks.
"Otae-san will never speak to me again, now..." said Kondo, even thicker tears running down his cheeks.
Sacchan frowned. "She wasn't talking to you before, stupid."
"Sakata-san throws rocks at you."
"I like that kind of play, thank you very much."
"Rock play?!" he asked, incredulous. "That isn't even real. Punching-in-the-face play, though-"
"You mean a donkey punch*?"
Kondo looked dazed. "A what?"
Sacchan crossed her legs, ignoring the fact that her bikini bottom was half off and her top had been lost somewhere in the midst of all the cake. "You've got a lot to learn," she said, pushing up her glasses - or meaning to, but only poking herself in the eyes instead.
"Ouch!"
"Why'd you poke yourself in the eye?" asked Kondo, confused.
"Help me find my glasses, idiot!"
He didn't dare open his mouth to ask what they looked like, climbing out from under the table and feeling through the various mounds of vanilla and strawberry; finally locating her glasses, wiping off the residual cake and placing them on her face.
She considered him thoughtfully before frowning and taking them back off, reaching for his arm.
"Hey! I'm not that bad to look at!" he protested.
"I'm sorry, I'm not fluent in gorilla," she said calmly, forcing him to stand up with her. "Now go find me some clothes so we can get out of here."
"...We could just take the cake," he pointed out.
She squinted. "Was that a pun?"
"...No?"
Her eyes unfocused and she smiled. "You're too dumb for wordplay," she said as she took a firmer hold of his arm, throwing him over one shoulder until he landed in the cake's center. She lunged in after him, her ass landing in his face.
"How do we get it moving?" she asked an unconscious Kondo. "...Gorilla? Hey!"
A small line of drool began to slide down from the edge of his mouth, the cake slowly edging down the stairs.
"What's that sound?" asked Sacchan ominously; her screams echoing across the whole of Edo five seconds later, the cake flying down the middle of the town; Kondo waking up halfway through the mess and passing out from sheer terror.
...And Sacchan smiling, ignoring the fact that she was probably going to die as she laced hands with her new unconscious boyfriend.
-
*Please don't look up this term if you are a feminist or um...don't like reading things that probably aren't funny to a majority of the population. >.>