on the question of happiness

[wooshoe]

Okay, I have no idea if you read Livejournal anymore, but this is my attempt to answer your question earlier this week about whether or not all of "this" right now makes me happy.

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of happiness:
a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment happiest person I know> happy childhood>b :

Comments

[wooshoe]

Your definition of happiness seems to be clear. Are you happy then? If not, then why not?

I understand your frustration at my lack of understanding in terms of what it truly feels like to be alone. A few months into this experiment, I still think it's better to be by myself than in an unsatisfying relationship. I don't know if what I am experiencing can truly be defined as being "alone" though; just because I'm not in any defined relationship does not mean that I'm alone and just because someone is surrounded by people or in a "serious relationship" does not mean that they're not lonely. Maybe I'm not good at this being "alone"/empathizing with loneliness anymore, maybe I've subconsciously blocked myself from ever truly feeling that way again. Or maybe I just need to give this more time.

As I grow older and older, I see more people drifting in and out of my life, growing close, and then separating. And I think I'm okay with that? At least I'm okay with the pain of forging a deep connection with someone and then having it fade until it's nothing more than a memory because at least the experience of it reminds me that I'm not completely a robot yet. I appreciate your friendship and loyalty through the years despite the fact that we are truly very different people with, in reality, a very tenuous connection. I would be sad if "kids and other responsibilities" eventually cause us to drift apart, but I think I would look back at all of these years fondly rather than with sadness/loneliness. I think, at least.

Our completely differing views of what is happiness is an example of how different we are. I admire the "extremeness" of your happiness; it's deep, purposeful, and has an "everything or nothing" sort of aspect to it. However, I know that I cannot have my happiness defined in such a way because I don't think I would ever feel that I was doing "enough", which would be more crushing in its disappointment. So, for now, my definition of happiness is mostly selfish and very sensory, with a distinct code of not letting my happiness encroach upon other people's feelings (basically, avoid causing strife and drama). This seems to be working well; at the very least, I feel like I'm much happier than I ever was during my middle school through college years.