Update and Reviews
I have had a really bad headache all day. I think it's 95% caused by "someone is wrong on the internets" syndrome, 4% caused by the weather and 1% caused by genetics.
rs_games is posting Round II. Why not pop over and give it a try? It's going a lot more smoothly than before. There have been some rather awesome stories. Especially by Team Experience Wins Every Time versus Team Why Is My Willie Hard And What Is It Really Supposed To Do?.
I have thinky thoughts on what being a mod is all about but I'll leave it for another day.
I spent the evening off either sleeping or reading the trashiest novels ever. The current one isn't even well written. SNARK AHOY!
In fact, there's a typo right on the first page just inside the cover (well, that or netspeak). "hearting Mozart" isn't really proper English. I think they meant hearing Mozart. It just goes downhill from there including a merman rentboy who steals souls by singing to people. I personally think this book as stolen my soul all by being sucktacular. And yet? I cannot stop reading.
I definitely have trainwreck syndrome on this one. It's awful but I'm devouring it at record speeds. Don't believe me on how bad it is? Read the plot synopsis. Take a look at that shitty photoshop job.
My main (omg, I just typed it as "pain") problems:
First - Kitala is supposed to be a regular jo schmo name. "Ann" or "Jane" are regular jo schmo names for someone from Louisana. Well, that or Bobby Sue or something.
Second - the main dude's name is M'Cal. How the fuck do you pronounce that in the heat of passion?
Third - a merman rentboy who used to be a prince? What. The. Fuck.
Fourth - the two main characters have a soul bond because M'Cal takes Kitala's soul and then gives her a piece of his own. So they're able to communicate telepathically. What woman thinks that it's a-ok for a dude to steal her soul just cause the sex is hot and he's a rentboy for a psychotic witch?
Fifth - merman rentboy. Merman. Rentboy.
Sixth - The evil witch redeems herself at the end by letting M'Cal steal her soul and put it into Kitala's body so she can fight this other witch with this demon possessing her to save the granddaughter or daughter or something of the evil witch. If one is going to steal the entire plotline of The Little Mermaid, one should at least have the guts to let the evil witch stay evil. When you're too afraid to go where even Disney doesn't fear to tread in a children's movie, you've issues.
Seventh - MERMAN RENTBOY
Eighth - The sex is poorly written.
Ninth - Giant gaping plot holes.
Tenth - MERMAN RENTBOY
The only reason I ended up with this book is that the library mistakenly gave me this book instead of The Iron Hunt by the same author. I sort of want to send a "I hate you for giving me this but I also love you for giving me something to inspire me to finish my own damn book. After all, if shit like this can get published, I should be able to, too" letter to them.
Final Verdict? 3 out of 10 if just for the crack factor.
The other one, I spent good money on, all of three dollars and thirty eight cents. The Nymph King by Gena Showalter starts out cracky and never. ever. stops. There is no way this book is going to translate well to even the generation coming up now. There's too much slang and psuedo-netspeak.
Basically, the plot is this - the heroine is attending her mum's sixth wedding. The Nymph King is a horny nymph who fucks multiple women at the same time so he has the power to do war against the Dragons who are really humanoid until they get really really pissed off. His men are weak cause the only one having regular sex is the King who happens to be fucking all three of the fuckable women around. Thus - the men and the King traipse off to the surface from Atlantis and kidnap a bunch of women.
This is where my problem starts. No, it doesn't start with the whole 'horny nymphs' thing. I'll suspend disbelief that far based on a recommendation from a friend for this book. It's that the heroine is supposedly this really strong woman (who is so afraid of relationships that she's never dated. At all. She's still a virgin, too! WHOOOOPEEEEE) and fights off the nymph king. Except that they're Mates (no, not mates. they're MATES). So she's obviously fighting both him and HERSELF off cause really, she just wants him to hold her down and fuck her.
The other women, with the exception of one other than the heroine, all are enthralled with the nymphs and their golden cocks that excrete the love juice that keeps them enthralled. The only other woman fighting off the advances of the nymphs is a random victim of domestic violence tossed in. Not to worry, though, this victim of a strangulation and attempted murder by her previous boyfriend is A-OK once the one nymph guy gets injured and, while she's treating him for injuries (oh, btw, did I mention that this woman is also a doctor? And that there are special sand particles that heal a nymph when they can't have sex to heal themselves? Yeah.), she falls in love with him and they boff with her on top and everything is a-ok! Golden Cock saves the day!
The women are insipid and dumb. The plot is bad. The sex is entertaining. The one nymph who had the domestic violence victim and lost her to her MATE is the best character in the book. I'd like one of him plz. The interrupted moments were nice enough, too.
Final Verdict: A surprising 5 out of 10. At least it didn't have a bunch of typos.
Finally, the last book I've read in the past day and a half - A Hunger Like No Other by Kresley Cole. This one is the best of the lot but that isn't saying much. I've other Kresley Cole books to review and they're about a million times better. This one, though, is the start of the series. Thank God she hit her stride because this book? Features a werewolf who gnaws off his own leg to get to his MATE and then she's a vampire. Only catch? The people that imprisoned him in a fiery hell where he died a million times over the course of a hundred and fifty years are....... vampires. He hates vampires. He kidnaps her, tries to rape her force her to have sex a bunch of times, pulls back at the last minute cause she's his MATE (but oh noes! Maybe she isn't! He really really hopes she isn't!) and then thinks she's AWESOME once he finds out that she's only HALF a vampire and the other half is valkyrie and hey, her bite is like viagra for werewolves. All this and she's a virgin too. Isn't that sweet?
But oh noes! Her daddy is the ebil and insane vampire that imprisoned the hero! What would I do if I found out the person I was dating had a daddy that imprisoned me for 150 years to be slowly roasted to near death over and over and over? I think the most polite reaction I'd have would be to sever the relationship. Not this guy, though. Nope. He follows her, tries to rescue her (except he's a moment too late and the heroine saves herself and ends up with a page in the Valkyrie Warrior Book of Doom after killing her Suddenly Redeemed Daddy) and then tracks her down in New Orleans. Once in New Orleans, he finds his brother that he hasn't seen in over 150 years (cause of that whole ROASTING THING) incarcerated by the heroines aunties. How would one react to this? Well, IDK about you but if I had as little control as werewolves supposedly have, I'd probably go on a rampage. Except she's his MATE and, thus, they all sit down and have popcorn that the Valkyries can't eat because if they do and then have sex, they'll get preggers. The End.
The sad bit? I'm not making any of this up.
Final Verdict: 6 out of 10.
rs_games is posting Round II. Why not pop over and give it a try? It's going a lot more smoothly than before. There have been some rather awesome stories. Especially by Team Experience Wins Every Time versus Team Why Is My Willie Hard And What Is It Really Supposed To Do?.
I have thinky thoughts on what being a mod is all about but I'll leave it for another day.
I spent the evening off either sleeping or reading the trashiest novels ever. The current one isn't even well written. SNARK AHOY!
In fact, there's a typo right on the first page just inside the cover (well, that or netspeak). "hearting Mozart" isn't really proper English. I think they meant hearing Mozart. It just goes downhill from there including a merman rentboy who steals souls by singing to people. I personally think this book as stolen my soul all by being sucktacular. And yet? I cannot stop reading.
I definitely have trainwreck syndrome on this one. It's awful but I'm devouring it at record speeds. Don't believe me on how bad it is? Read the plot synopsis. Take a look at that shitty photoshop job.
My main (omg, I just typed it as "pain") problems:
First - Kitala is supposed to be a regular jo schmo name. "Ann" or "Jane" are regular jo schmo names for someone from Louisana. Well, that or Bobby Sue or something.
Second - the main dude's name is M'Cal. How the fuck do you pronounce that in the heat of passion?
Third - a merman rentboy who used to be a prince? What. The. Fuck.
Fourth - the two main characters have a soul bond because M'Cal takes Kitala's soul and then gives her a piece of his own. So they're able to communicate telepathically. What woman thinks that it's a-ok for a dude to steal her soul just cause the sex is hot and he's a rentboy for a psychotic witch?
Fifth - merman rentboy. Merman. Rentboy.
Sixth - The evil witch redeems herself at the end by letting M'Cal steal her soul and put it into Kitala's body so she can fight this other witch with this demon possessing her to save the granddaughter or daughter or something of the evil witch. If one is going to steal the entire plotline of The Little Mermaid, one should at least have the guts to let the evil witch stay evil. When you're too afraid to go where even Disney doesn't fear to tread in a children's movie, you've issues.
Seventh - MERMAN RENTBOY
Eighth - The sex is poorly written.
Ninth - Giant gaping plot holes.
Tenth - MERMAN RENTBOY
The only reason I ended up with this book is that the library mistakenly gave me this book instead of The Iron Hunt by the same author. I sort of want to send a "I hate you for giving me this but I also love you for giving me something to inspire me to finish my own damn book. After all, if shit like this can get published, I should be able to, too" letter to them.
Final Verdict? 3 out of 10 if just for the crack factor.
The other one, I spent good money on, all of three dollars and thirty eight cents. The Nymph King by Gena Showalter starts out cracky and never. ever. stops. There is no way this book is going to translate well to even the generation coming up now. There's too much slang and psuedo-netspeak.
Basically, the plot is this - the heroine is attending her mum's sixth wedding. The Nymph King is a horny nymph who fucks multiple women at the same time so he has the power to do war against the Dragons who are really humanoid until they get really really pissed off. His men are weak cause the only one having regular sex is the King who happens to be fucking all three of the fuckable women around. Thus - the men and the King traipse off to the surface from Atlantis and kidnap a bunch of women.
This is where my problem starts. No, it doesn't start with the whole 'horny nymphs' thing. I'll suspend disbelief that far based on a recommendation from a friend for this book. It's that the heroine is supposedly this really strong woman (who is so afraid of relationships that she's never dated. At all. She's still a virgin, too! WHOOOOPEEEEE) and fights off the nymph king. Except that they're Mates (no, not mates. they're MATES). So she's obviously fighting both him and HERSELF off cause really, she just wants him to hold her down and fuck her.
The other women, with the exception of one other than the heroine, all are enthralled with the nymphs and their golden cocks that excrete the love juice that keeps them enthralled. The only other woman fighting off the advances of the nymphs is a random victim of domestic violence tossed in. Not to worry, though, this victim of a strangulation and attempted murder by her previous boyfriend is A-OK once the one nymph guy gets injured and, while she's treating him for injuries (oh, btw, did I mention that this woman is also a doctor? And that there are special sand particles that heal a nymph when they can't have sex to heal themselves? Yeah.), she falls in love with him and they boff with her on top and everything is a-ok! Golden Cock saves the day!
The women are insipid and dumb. The plot is bad. The sex is entertaining. The one nymph who had the domestic violence victim and lost her to her MATE is the best character in the book. I'd like one of him plz. The interrupted moments were nice enough, too.
Final Verdict: A surprising 5 out of 10. At least it didn't have a bunch of typos.
Finally, the last book I've read in the past day and a half - A Hunger Like No Other by Kresley Cole. This one is the best of the lot but that isn't saying much. I've other Kresley Cole books to review and they're about a million times better. This one, though, is the start of the series. Thank God she hit her stride because this book? Features a werewolf who gnaws off his own leg to get to his MATE and then she's a vampire. Only catch? The people that imprisoned him in a fiery hell where he died a million times over the course of a hundred and fifty years are....... vampires. He hates vampires. He kidnaps her, tries to rape her force her to have sex a bunch of times, pulls back at the last minute cause she's his MATE (but oh noes! Maybe she isn't! He really really hopes she isn't!) and then thinks she's AWESOME once he finds out that she's only HALF a vampire and the other half is valkyrie and hey, her bite is like viagra for werewolves. All this and she's a virgin too. Isn't that sweet?
But oh noes! Her daddy is the ebil and insane vampire that imprisoned the hero! What would I do if I found out the person I was dating had a daddy that imprisoned me for 150 years to be slowly roasted to near death over and over and over? I think the most polite reaction I'd have would be to sever the relationship. Not this guy, though. Nope. He follows her, tries to rescue her (except he's a moment too late and the heroine saves herself and ends up with a page in the Valkyrie Warrior Book of Doom after killing her Suddenly Redeemed Daddy) and then tracks her down in New Orleans. Once in New Orleans, he finds his brother that he hasn't seen in over 150 years (cause of that whole ROASTING THING) incarcerated by the heroines aunties. How would one react to this? Well, IDK about you but if I had as little control as werewolves supposedly have, I'd probably go on a rampage. Except she's his MATE and, thus, they all sit down and have popcorn that the Valkyries can't eat because if they do and then have sex, they'll get preggers. The End.
The sad bit? I'm not making any of this up.
Final Verdict: 6 out of 10.