Letters to the Universe
Sometimes, I really just want to roll over and go back to bed. Today is one of those days.
Dear Ms. I-just-got-promoted-to-a-bullshit-position-created-just-for-me-and-now-i'm-superior-to-everyone-so-I-have-no-need-to-communicate-to-you-plebes,
If you do not tell me that you closed your bank account and want your direct deposit canceled, I will not cancel your direct deposit. I apologise but my order for a Crystal Ball to be hooked up to my computer was denied by your boss as being too expensive a computer accessory.
In addition, because you couldn't be bothered to communicate this to me until I've distributed paystubs, you aren't getting a check until Monday. You couldn't place a priority on communicating with me, I can't be bothered to place a priority on getting you your money. Perhaps if you would check the 'tude at the door, I might be willing to make an exception to our stated policies. However, you haven't.
Not At All Caring About Your Financial Situation , you stupid twunty bitch,
wook
Dear Suburban or other huge ass SUV Driver,
That miniscule amount of a following distance I had between me and the cute little Chevy Cavalier this morning was not large enough for a Geo Metro let alone your gas-guzzling-far-too-huge-for-your-two-kids ass. The only reason I didn't just let you hit me was due to your children jumping around in the backseat. BTW - have you heard of car seats? You're legally obligated to use them for that size of children. No, really, check the books, it's a law.
Also - just a heads up but I-10 is not the Indy 500. Your fucking huge SUV is not a tiny sports car. Thus - You don't need to whip in and out of traffic because there is no checkered flag. We're all trying to get to about the same place. We're all following the rules of the road, could you please at least TRY to?
Finally, I'm the one that called and reported you for not using car seats, driving erratically and, generally, being a twunt. I cheered when I saw you pulled over by the police and then I did a happy dance in my seat. Thank you for making my morning by showing that there is justice in the world.
Laughing at you not with you,
wook
Dear STUPID PERSON THAT SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN,
Just because you have children does not mean that you are allowed to block the road with your car while trying to make a left turn into the elementary school's parking lot. It also does not mean that you can give me the middle finger when I honk at you for blocking my lane when I am going straight ahead in my lane on my side of the road. It also does not give you permission to get out of your car and scream at me that I traumatized your child by honking at you.
YOU were the one that endangered your child by lining her right up for a direct hit by me if I hadn't just had my brakes worked on. YOU were the one blocking MY right of way. YOU are the fucktard here, not me. Just because your child is proof that you put out does not mean that the rules of the road suddenly don't exist because you utilized your uterus. "I have kids" is not a defense and does not make you superior.
I can only hope that the child's father has more care and concern for your child because otherwise? I fear that she won't make it to adulthood.
Debating whether or not to hit you next time,
wook
Dear mum,
Thanks for bringing in the mortgage statement that I forgot like an idiot when it's due today. Thank you for, yet again, bailing my forgetful ass out of trouble. I really appreciate it.
Love,
wook
Dear Universe,
Was it really necessary to have that happen yesterday? Seriously? Thanks for illustrating how fucked I am. Really, I appreciate it. I had an inkling of it but now I know how seriously fucked I am and have been for eight years.
Wanting to move on,
wook
Dear Cisco,
Thank you for behaving all morning. You're being very good and I appreciate it. I'm just sorry that your reward for behaving all day today is a trip to the vets to have that thing removed. Do you think the cheese will make up for it? What about the carrots?
Love you loads,
wook
Dear Ms. I-just-got-promoted-to-a-bullshit-position-created-just-for-me-and-now-i'm-superior-to-everyone-so-I-have-no-need-to-communicate-to-you-plebes,
If you do not tell me that you closed your bank account and want your direct deposit canceled, I will not cancel your direct deposit. I apologise but my order for a Crystal Ball to be hooked up to my computer was denied by your boss as being too expensive a computer accessory.
In addition, because you couldn't be bothered to communicate this to me until I've distributed paystubs, you aren't getting a check until Monday. You couldn't place a priority on communicating with me, I can't be bothered to place a priority on getting you your money. Perhaps if you would check the 'tude at the door, I might be willing to make an exception to our stated policies. However, you haven't.
Not At All Caring About Your Financial Situation , you stupid twunty bitch,
wook
Dear Suburban or other huge ass SUV Driver,
That miniscule amount of a following distance I had between me and the cute little Chevy Cavalier this morning was not large enough for a Geo Metro let alone your gas-guzzling-far-too-huge-for-your-two-kids ass. The only reason I didn't just let you hit me was due to your children jumping around in the backseat. BTW - have you heard of car seats? You're legally obligated to use them for that size of children. No, really, check the books, it's a law.
Also - just a heads up but I-10 is not the Indy 500. Your fucking huge SUV is not a tiny sports car. Thus - You don't need to whip in and out of traffic because there is no checkered flag. We're all trying to get to about the same place. We're all following the rules of the road, could you please at least TRY to?
Finally, I'm the one that called and reported you for not using car seats, driving erratically and, generally, being a twunt. I cheered when I saw you pulled over by the police and then I did a happy dance in my seat. Thank you for making my morning by showing that there is justice in the world.
Laughing at you not with you,
wook
Dear STUPID PERSON THAT SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE CHILDREN,
Just because you have children does not mean that you are allowed to block the road with your car while trying to make a left turn into the elementary school's parking lot. It also does not mean that you can give me the middle finger when I honk at you for blocking my lane when I am going straight ahead in my lane on my side of the road. It also does not give you permission to get out of your car and scream at me that I traumatized your child by honking at you.
YOU were the one that endangered your child by lining her right up for a direct hit by me if I hadn't just had my brakes worked on. YOU were the one blocking MY right of way. YOU are the fucktard here, not me. Just because your child is proof that you put out does not mean that the rules of the road suddenly don't exist because you utilized your uterus. "I have kids" is not a defense and does not make you superior.
I can only hope that the child's father has more care and concern for your child because otherwise? I fear that she won't make it to adulthood.
Debating whether or not to hit you next time,
wook
Dear mum,
Thanks for bringing in the mortgage statement that I forgot like an idiot when it's due today. Thank you for, yet again, bailing my forgetful ass out of trouble. I really appreciate it.
Love,
wook
Dear Universe,
Was it really necessary to have that happen yesterday? Seriously? Thanks for illustrating how fucked I am. Really, I appreciate it. I had an inkling of it but now I know how seriously fucked I am and have been for eight years.
Wanting to move on,
wook
Dear Cisco,
Thank you for behaving all morning. You're being very good and I appreciate it. I'm just sorry that your reward for behaving all day today is a trip to the vets to have that thing removed. Do you think the cheese will make up for it? What about the carrots?
Love you loads,
wook