(no subject)
Well, this will be a birthday year to remember.
Thing were great on the 5th. Nice dinner with David, talks with family, presents, etc. The next morning, my sister calls. We need to talk. Uh oh. Dad is slipping further with his Alzheimer's. To the point they need to have Susan, step-mom, who I love, appointed guardian. He can no longer sign his name. The doctor said he is ok but his body is shutting down. Basically, he is tired and does not want to fight it any more. How do you prepare for a death that is coming way to early? He is only 69 years old.
This sucks because I know, deep down, that this is more than Alzheimer's. See, dad was a Scientific Engineer for a oil well manufacturing company. He went into Kuwait as soon as the 1st Gulf war was over to help with the oil wells. He would inspect, figure out what flanges, chokes, and valves were left to cap the well. He exhibits all of the signs gulf war veterans exhibit of gulf war syndrome but has not been tested for it. And there is nothing they can do to fix it if it were diagnosed so it is a mute point.
We went out this past weekend to see him. He had a fairly good weekend and was able to walk up and down the driveway with me. My step-sister was there so we had lots of fun catching up and drinking too much wine. *g*
We got home Sunday night, relaxed at Bill and Jeff's, and went back home.
Monday was a little stressful at work. I think the visit with dad was wearing on me. I got a call from my sister but ignored it since I was in a foul mood. She called the office phone. I knew it was serious at that point so I answered. My other step-sister, the youngest who lost her daughter last year in the car accident, ODed and passed away early Monday morning. So now we have a funeral next week for her, which is causing more stress for me and the family and on dad, which he does not need at this point.
So that is why I am in bed at 1:30am not falling asleep. I'm ok with my step-sister passing since she was messed up anyway, long before having kids, and she is at peace. It's my dad that is hitting harder.
69. We'll be lucky if he makes it to 70 on the 23rd of Sept. for his 70th. I don't get to travel with him to places we had talked about, like Scotland again to see old friends from his work days or California to spend a week tasting wines. It is difficult to find the right word to describe this feeling of impending loss. Upset? Yes but that feeling comes in goes in waves. Mad? You betcha. But still not right. It's closer to cheated. So much I had planned on doing to thank him for being a great dad. Now, I can only stand by and watch him slowly lose the light in his eyes for wanting to continue to live while facing this unwanted fight.
Life sucks.
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