Let's Hear It For The boy
As i mentioned in the last post, Saturday night was the Blue Max CC's "Daddy / Daddy's boy Contest" down at JJ's Clubhouse. Now, i know that i said was tired from working my not-inconsiderable ass off Saturday afternoon, but apparently there was enough left over. The woofy Daddy's that are in Blue Max wanted more contestants and strongly urged this boy to enter. Who was i to say "no"? i made sure that Matthew could hang that late and he said it would be fine. Shortly after midnight (midnight, gay time), the show got under way.
Actually, there were only three Daddies and three boys entered, but i took it very seriously and was very heartfelt as to what i felt made a good boy and the special relationship that develops between a Daddy and a boy. When i won, i wore my new armband with pride (like any good "sash queen") and as soon as i came down the steps, i went to Matthew, gave him a big hug and a kiss and the envelope with the $100 in prize money. Randy (redhochipe) and Jim swung through with Jim's crazy (in a good way) sister and her gay friend who were visiting from northern Indiana. i think i drank too much tequila...i was very lazy all day Sunday and didn't do much but watched "DesignStar" and surfed online. i needed a lazy Sunday...i haven't had a do-nothing day in a LOOOOOOOONg time. Good for me.
i have written before about being a boy and the steel ring that i wear pretty much 24/7. i have also written extensively about my dear Dadbear since His sudden passing last December. As you may have noticed from following this journal, i've been a bit out-of-sorts lately. i have done quite a bit of...well, i wouldn't call it "mourning", per se, but more obsessing about Daddy's being gone than might have been normal (what's that??). i was already stressed out with a number of issues at work and at home. Then, at the end of July, the Dore Alley Fair took place in SF and that got me pining some more since i have many fond memories of being taken to the fair by Dadbear. That very same week, i was told something that seemed like a re-enactment of an event two years ago when someone got to play with Daddy in a way that i had always wanted to but, now that He is gone, will never get to. And this year, i had been hoping to play with another Sir in a particular way, but for one reason or another, have not been allowed or able to. Then, i found out that the same man that had gotten what i was denied was going to get to do what i had been aching to do this time as well, i cross-circuited. Now, let me state right now that i was not being rational and i was not being realistic, but when love and loss and aching and all those passionate emotions get whirled up, "rationality" is the first thing blown out the window. "Why me? Why am i always denied?" i had actually orchestrated the first meeting with my friend and Dadbear since i knew it would bring Him pleasure (which it did, and it pleased me to please Him, as it should) and i consider this man to be a very dear friend. It's not his fault that i felt this way or that anything could have been amiss...it was a fun time for all for a night and a day all that time ago. Nor could the Sir who told me of His plans have known that all this was swirling around in the back of my head and sticking like a thorn in my craw. i've been irrational. i've been self-pitying. i've been hurtful...and i've been hurtful to Matthew which is an unforgivable sin. i am so sorry for that...i would never want to do ANYthing to hurt him. But maybe this is what i needed to go through to bring it all to a close. My Dadbear is gone. True, i will always be "His boy" and i will always be the best bear boy i can knowing that He would want me to. But He would want me to get my ass in gear and get moving on. i have been wearing my...His chain collar with a black band over the lock when i went out in my leathers this past year in His honor. i will now place it in my leather drawer with His leather hat. It will always be there to remind me...but it will no longer bind me. He has set me free. Thank you, Daddy. i love You. Good bye.