Lost
OK, so i made an effort. i THOUGHT it would be fairly easy to find...just go up 83 to Higgins Road and make a right. But i never saw Higgins Road. i went all the way up to Mount Prospect where i ran out of road. i turned around and came back to the Corporate Condo arriving in time to wish my roommate a pleasant good night. i had stopped by a gyros stand on the way back, but then realised that i didn't have any cash on me...and they didn't take plastic (but still took 'checks' of all things). i could have went to use the ATM at the gas station down the road, but i was no longer in the mood.
So i stayed up late (later than i should have probably) chatting with a very interesting LeatherSir about all things BDSM'ish. He seems like a good man and i would like to submit to Him for some training. i'm also planning on submitting to these two guys up here in Chicago for a weekend early next month. i'm a little out of practice. i haven't had any real intense training since...well, since before i started this job...since before Dad met boyjoe. i was explaining to the LeatherSir that Dad didn't believe in punishment or pain for pain's sake. He believed in just pushing boy harder and harder...not letting boy quit (and, in most instances, boy was not in a postition to quit) and keeping him going and encouraging boy to take it...to take it for Daddy...yeah, boy...that's it boy...you had enough boy?...no you can take more for Daddy, can't you?...that's right, boy...your Dad's boy and you're going to do it for Daddy, aren't you...oh, yeah boy...good boy...
As i was explaining that last night, my finger's went into a frenzy as i was typing that and reliving that. i miss that so much. This side of me has always been there and needs to be addressed. i've been overcome with these strange waves of sadness lately. It's not just being in a bad mood or being in a funk. i know what that's like. No, these are actual waves of sadness...brought on by nothing...that almost bring me to tears.
Lately, i've had the song "Blue Sky Mine" by Midnight Oil stuck in heavy rotation on the internal radio that never goes off. Sometimes it's the regular version...but most often it's actually a very mournful version...very slow with just a piano playing (and me singing...definitely not Peter Garrett's raspy vocal).
"if the Blue Sky Mining Company won't come to my rescue...
if the Sugar Refining Company won't save me...
who's going to save me? who's going to save me?
in the end the rain comes down...
in the end the rain comes down...
...and washes clean the streets of the Blue Sky Town..."
i was telling Matthew about some of this...about potential playdates and such. He turned to me and said: "you're not going to find it...you only get one." He's right of course. i know i'll never replace Him. i don't want to. But i want to deal with it. It's just something i need to do.
i think i need to go wash my face.