Please confirm existence
I'm here, I'm here. Sorta. It's a lovely Sunday in which I'm procrastinating doing chores and I figure doing an update here might just be be the way to do it. So what's up with me?
The life
I've been living on my own now for about six months. Wow. That sounds more impressive than it is, but it's good. I'm still five minutes walking distance away from my sister and my parents are a ten minute car drive away, but it's good to know there is backup close. I feel like the past ten years, I've been in a sort of stasis. Like I've been putting off life and feelings and everything involved. That's a depressing thought, but it's also good to realise that maybe I can change.
I feel like the past years my mood has been consistently neutral, cranky or depressed. That last one is a big word and I hesitate to use it because I think depression is much more serious than what my state of mind has been, but I can't really find a better word for it. Since I moved, things have been different. I have been feeling, well, good most of the time. My default state isn't neutral anymore and my cranky mood has become rare rather than default. I'm smiling most days, I'm if perhaps not happy, content or hopeful that I can make myself happy. It's not always good, of course, there's moments when my brain gets away from me and I spiral down in selfdoubt and a feeling of isolation. That's perhaps something that's back as well, I have more up and downs than I did, but maybe the ups are worth the downs. It's like I'm feeling again. With that, there's questions propping up that I haven't considered in a long time. I feel like I'm way behind on this life thing, like I'm playing catchup to things my twenty year old self should not have been avoiding to answer or discover. Better late than never, right?
Questioning
One of the things that's been big in my mind is relationships and sexuality and everything that comes along with it. There's still a definite lack of physical relationships in my life. That went on hold as well, living with your parents tend to do that, I suppose. I've long ago figured out that I can be attracted to both genders, never wanting to stick a label on it. Lately, I've been wanting to find my label. I still think bisexuality or perhaps pansexuality is an apt description for me, but in other ways I've been staring at the asexual side of things as well. I have not yet met anyone I fell in love with. There's been crushes, for sure, there's this one girl at work who keeps drawing my attention, but putting anything into reality is jarring. Things in my mind don't match with things in reality. It makes me wonder if it's just lack of experience (srsly, I'm 32 and this is getting pathetic) or whether it's just that I simply can't.
Sometimes I feel like I'm more lesbian than bi, if I'm honest. If I look back at my life, there's so many moments that lean towards the gay side of things and I never really realised it. I'm not sure yet how to figure this all out. Go out there and get experience, I suppose, but that's daunting and I don't know where to start. Well, I've started by working out. There's a few people in my life now who have been boosting my confidence, who have been making me think that perhaps I'm not that much of an alien that no one will ever look at me and think they want to be with me. It's baby steps, but it's a confidence boost and I've found that working out is going to help me gain more confidence to perhaps take this further. I started up about a month ago, then had to stop as I was overdoing this and my body was telling me OW. So now over a week, I've restarted working out on alternating days and it's better. It helps too. I feel stronger, I feel more confident. I feel like maybe if I hang on to this, I can turn myself into someone I can imagine people wanting to touch.
Progress
So when I look at my life, I can see some things are rapidly improving and that's good. That's new. I can actually count my blessings. I have a good job and am paid well. I own my own house and can do what I want. I'm learning to cook and I'm learning to take care of myself. Sometimes this is daunting and sometimes I worry that it will always be a lonely thing, but other days it's good to find my own two feet. (With a lot of help for my parents, but hey, everyone's got to start somewhere, right?) I'm having a little less self hate and a bit more confidence. I'm feeling things rather than stuffing them away in a closet and pretending they don't exist. Someone at work told me that I've been opening up/blossoming lately and I think there's a truth to that. It comes with smiling in the morning and being less angry. Feeling good and being grateful for what I've got going. Knowing I'm not there yet, but that maybe I can change myself and get there. I've gotten back in contact with an old high school friend who I miss and wish I'd never lost contact with. We've been meeting up regularly in the past few months and it's so good to have her back in my life.
Setbacks
It doesn't always work well, though. I have moments where selfdoubt wins over, where it feels like even if I get there, I won't find this thing that will make me feel better. Where I still feel like an alien, a socially awkward person who won't ever fit in anyone's life and be needed there. Fun to talk to for a while, even confide a little, but who doesn't get invited to the important things, who doesn't get included to celebrate or who gets counted on when the chips are down. I'm entirely unnecessary in people's lives and that's a hard realisation to deal with and one I have only myself to thank for. Oy, that's a downer thought right there.
I tried getting a cat this month and I utterly failed, by the way. It freaked me out having this responsibility and having this element in my life to take care of while I am struggling to take care of myself. I can't even make vegetables yet, but I let my sister get me excited about having a kitty in my life while I was no there yet. I feel like a failure for freaking out, but all's well as the kitty is now happily living with my sister. I mean, I feel like a terrible human being about it and a screwup, but I can at least breathe that the kitty is happy and in good hands. So for now, no pets for me. Maybe not ever, I dunno. Argh. There's still so much for me left to learn and figure out, but I should give myself the time. I've always been slow in these things (hello, again, I'm 32 here and so way behind) and maybe I need to allow myself to keep taking it slow and hope things will fall together as I go.
Fandom
So um yes, that's about the gist of my life right now. Add that I've now fallen into some new fandoms that make me entirely too happy. It's very telling how many OTPs I've picked up in the last few months and how many of them are all f/f. Het? Who needs het? Gimme all your girls! Especially you, Canada. Geesh, Canada is not good for my health.
There is:
- Attack on Titan: this anime/manga will give you a heartattack. It's seriously very bad at cliffhangers and I flailed my way through.
- Rookie Blue: I mainly watch for Gail Peck and Holly Stewart. These two have so much chemistry and they're my happy place. Gail is an abrasive, cranky person who is somewhere in her mid twenties and only just realised that hey, she's gay. Can you tell why I'm relating to this show so much? This ship gives me hope and makes me stupidly happy.
- Orphan Black: This is just the best out there. Damn, it's so good. Also, Delpine and Cosima. Those two are going to kill me with their angst and I fear for them on a weekly basis. Need to watch the finale later.
- Marvel: Guys, I'm fucked. I got into Marvel and it's eaten my brain. I have a lot of kickass women who I love now. There's Carol Danvers (who I ship with Jessica Drew, yes), Maria Hill, Natasha Romanoff (those two get shipped together), America Chavez and Kate Bishop (those get shipped as well)... And I've just started. This is getting out of hand. So many kickass women. So little time.
Those are my most recent obsessions who have been taking over my mind (in between the self questioning, life changing thoughts).
There. That's the last six months of my life. I miss this place sometimes, but I can't seem to get back active here. I did notice a lot of LJ people have been wandering over onto tumblr and I've only just been finding some of you. So if you want to get spammed and keep up with me (and yes, I do want to keep up with you as well), you can find me over at tumblr and twitter. Word of caution: there will be spam and a lot of that spam might be about those pesky fandoms I mentioned above. There might be a lot of girls kissing going on, so be warned.
*knuffels you all*
The life
I've been living on my own now for about six months. Wow. That sounds more impressive than it is, but it's good. I'm still five minutes walking distance away from my sister and my parents are a ten minute car drive away, but it's good to know there is backup close. I feel like the past ten years, I've been in a sort of stasis. Like I've been putting off life and feelings and everything involved. That's a depressing thought, but it's also good to realise that maybe I can change.
I feel like the past years my mood has been consistently neutral, cranky or depressed. That last one is a big word and I hesitate to use it because I think depression is much more serious than what my state of mind has been, but I can't really find a better word for it. Since I moved, things have been different. I have been feeling, well, good most of the time. My default state isn't neutral anymore and my cranky mood has become rare rather than default. I'm smiling most days, I'm if perhaps not happy, content or hopeful that I can make myself happy. It's not always good, of course, there's moments when my brain gets away from me and I spiral down in selfdoubt and a feeling of isolation. That's perhaps something that's back as well, I have more up and downs than I did, but maybe the ups are worth the downs. It's like I'm feeling again. With that, there's questions propping up that I haven't considered in a long time. I feel like I'm way behind on this life thing, like I'm playing catchup to things my twenty year old self should not have been avoiding to answer or discover. Better late than never, right?
Questioning
One of the things that's been big in my mind is relationships and sexuality and everything that comes along with it. There's still a definite lack of physical relationships in my life. That went on hold as well, living with your parents tend to do that, I suppose. I've long ago figured out that I can be attracted to both genders, never wanting to stick a label on it. Lately, I've been wanting to find my label. I still think bisexuality or perhaps pansexuality is an apt description for me, but in other ways I've been staring at the asexual side of things as well. I have not yet met anyone I fell in love with. There's been crushes, for sure, there's this one girl at work who keeps drawing my attention, but putting anything into reality is jarring. Things in my mind don't match with things in reality. It makes me wonder if it's just lack of experience (srsly, I'm 32 and this is getting pathetic) or whether it's just that I simply can't.
Sometimes I feel like I'm more lesbian than bi, if I'm honest. If I look back at my life, there's so many moments that lean towards the gay side of things and I never really realised it. I'm not sure yet how to figure this all out. Go out there and get experience, I suppose, but that's daunting and I don't know where to start. Well, I've started by working out. There's a few people in my life now who have been boosting my confidence, who have been making me think that perhaps I'm not that much of an alien that no one will ever look at me and think they want to be with me. It's baby steps, but it's a confidence boost and I've found that working out is going to help me gain more confidence to perhaps take this further. I started up about a month ago, then had to stop as I was overdoing this and my body was telling me OW. So now over a week, I've restarted working out on alternating days and it's better. It helps too. I feel stronger, I feel more confident. I feel like maybe if I hang on to this, I can turn myself into someone I can imagine people wanting to touch.
Progress
So when I look at my life, I can see some things are rapidly improving and that's good. That's new. I can actually count my blessings. I have a good job and am paid well. I own my own house and can do what I want. I'm learning to cook and I'm learning to take care of myself. Sometimes this is daunting and sometimes I worry that it will always be a lonely thing, but other days it's good to find my own two feet. (With a lot of help for my parents, but hey, everyone's got to start somewhere, right?) I'm having a little less self hate and a bit more confidence. I'm feeling things rather than stuffing them away in a closet and pretending they don't exist. Someone at work told me that I've been opening up/blossoming lately and I think there's a truth to that. It comes with smiling in the morning and being less angry. Feeling good and being grateful for what I've got going. Knowing I'm not there yet, but that maybe I can change myself and get there. I've gotten back in contact with an old high school friend who I miss and wish I'd never lost contact with. We've been meeting up regularly in the past few months and it's so good to have her back in my life.
Setbacks
It doesn't always work well, though. I have moments where selfdoubt wins over, where it feels like even if I get there, I won't find this thing that will make me feel better. Where I still feel like an alien, a socially awkward person who won't ever fit in anyone's life and be needed there. Fun to talk to for a while, even confide a little, but who doesn't get invited to the important things, who doesn't get included to celebrate or who gets counted on when the chips are down. I'm entirely unnecessary in people's lives and that's a hard realisation to deal with and one I have only myself to thank for. Oy, that's a downer thought right there.
I tried getting a cat this month and I utterly failed, by the way. It freaked me out having this responsibility and having this element in my life to take care of while I am struggling to take care of myself. I can't even make vegetables yet, but I let my sister get me excited about having a kitty in my life while I was no there yet. I feel like a failure for freaking out, but all's well as the kitty is now happily living with my sister. I mean, I feel like a terrible human being about it and a screwup, but I can at least breathe that the kitty is happy and in good hands. So for now, no pets for me. Maybe not ever, I dunno. Argh. There's still so much for me left to learn and figure out, but I should give myself the time. I've always been slow in these things (hello, again, I'm 32 here and so way behind) and maybe I need to allow myself to keep taking it slow and hope things will fall together as I go.
Fandom
So um yes, that's about the gist of my life right now. Add that I've now fallen into some new fandoms that make me entirely too happy. It's very telling how many OTPs I've picked up in the last few months and how many of them are all f/f. Het? Who needs het? Gimme all your girls! Especially you, Canada. Geesh, Canada is not good for my health.
There is:
- Attack on Titan: this anime/manga will give you a heartattack. It's seriously very bad at cliffhangers and I flailed my way through.
- Rookie Blue: I mainly watch for Gail Peck and Holly Stewart. These two have so much chemistry and they're my happy place. Gail is an abrasive, cranky person who is somewhere in her mid twenties and only just realised that hey, she's gay. Can you tell why I'm relating to this show so much? This ship gives me hope and makes me stupidly happy.
- Orphan Black: This is just the best out there. Damn, it's so good. Also, Delpine and Cosima. Those two are going to kill me with their angst and I fear for them on a weekly basis. Need to watch the finale later.
- Marvel: Guys, I'm fucked. I got into Marvel and it's eaten my brain. I have a lot of kickass women who I love now. There's Carol Danvers (who I ship with Jessica Drew, yes), Maria Hill, Natasha Romanoff (those two get shipped together), America Chavez and Kate Bishop (those get shipped as well)... And I've just started. This is getting out of hand. So many kickass women. So little time.
Those are my most recent obsessions who have been taking over my mind (in between the self questioning, life changing thoughts).
There. That's the last six months of my life. I miss this place sometimes, but I can't seem to get back active here. I did notice a lot of LJ people have been wandering over onto tumblr and I've only just been finding some of you. So if you want to get spammed and keep up with me (and yes, I do want to keep up with you as well), you can find me over at tumblr and twitter. Word of caution: there will be spam and a lot of that spam might be about those pesky fandoms I mentioned above. There might be a lot of girls kissing going on, so be warned.
*knuffels you all*