(no subject)
I don't know.
Its an amalgamation of everything that I've tried to keep conveniently tucked inside this past week. In my own advice - we should enjoy the last week of high school and make the most of each moment. And on the outside, I tried my hardest to just let the small (and not-so-small) things slide, to be happy and have fun.
But it always escapes. Everything I'm thinking to myself, everything that I'm analyzing and worrying about and sorting through - it all builds up until I can't hold my breath anymore. And then I just sort of collapse. Its not that I was unhappy, more just so overwhelmed in thoughts that won't stay hidden anymore that I can't help but think about everything. Deep contemplation.
I think thats what happened last night at school. It hit me all at once, and knocked the wind out of me for a while. Even before I talked to Steph, I wasn't feeling like me. I don't know how to explain it. I just couldn't make myself smile, even though I wanted to. I wanted to have fun, I wanted to be a part of it all, but everytime I tried to make myself be happy I just felt like I wanted to cry. Or scream maybe.
It was an amalgamation of everything - losing Jenny to Greg, losing Steph to everything thats happened. Lying to one of my best friends as I looked her straight in the face, lying to myself because its easier that way. All of my worries about going to college, about Brian. Afraid of what I don't know, afraid of getting hurt, of letting go. Kristina. My expectations, the way I thought it'd end, and how far from my dream it actually was. How hypocritical I am. How many mistakes I've made, how many times I've made the same mistake. Lost in a relationship or three. High school memories. Being replaced by a new group of friends, how painful it is, even though I understand. Scared that I'm going to be replaced again in Minnesota by a new group of friends and how painful that will be too. How uncertain I am of the future. Ivania going home. Life six years ago, four years ago, last year - home, Eileen, and Decathlon. How lucky I've been. How easily I can disappoint myself lately. Everything.
And I'm always thinking about those things. And more. Always. I usually just feel confident about most of them - feel good about who I am because I've made the right choice. But I've made a lot of wrong choices lately, the worst of which was breaking one of my best friend's trust, after everything we've been through, and then lying to her on top of it all. What the hell? I just hate myself for it. And I can't put the blame on anyone else but me, it was my fault completely. I'm disappointed in me.
But over it all, there's still that inexplicable feeling of not being me. It just came over me like a wave and swallowed me up and I just went blank. I've felt that way before - a Monday and Tuesday, I remember, when for some reason I just felt out of my skin, not myself - for a reason I couldn't explain.
And I sincerely hope that I didn't ruin anyone's fun last night. My intention wasn't to be dramatic when we should have been having fun. I tried to just get over it, to let it slide again, but the outside facade collapsed and you could see right through to the dark and the ugly. I could just hear what I would have said to me had I been on the other side "Get over it and have fun. Enjoy the moment. There'll be time for the rest of this later." Thats what I always say. I bet they all said it too. And I've realized that eventually, later gets tired of waiting and just comes, whether you like it or not. I collapsed at the most inconvenient time, and I'm sorry.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this. Just that - I'm sorry. Really. For everything.
I mean it when I say you are the most beautfiul people I've ever met. How incredible lucky I've been.
With all my love - farewell, my friends.