I can't shake this little feeling.
i really want a good surprise to happen in my life, nothing that i can see happening or i had a feeling might happen but something that will proper shock me but in a good way i dont want a bad surprise i dont think i could take it at the moment, its not that im un happy or anything, its just my head is doing marathons constantly, yet i can never put my finger on what wrong its due to the fact i am probably one of the worst at trying to explain things and this proper crap part of me that when i say to myself i will do something it just wont happen because i put it off even the little things in life that aren't big but it just keeps happening and its been like that for years. over the past couple of weeks i have gone through soo many emotions in my head but not showing them to anyone, last week for some reason i was stuck in a thought where i was asking myself if i really mean that much to anyone i dont know why we do that when we always know we mean something to people, see everyone i know means something i dont hate anyone out there and i give everyone a chance, i think it came alone because people have moved away from hull and going to uni and i just started thinking if i am actually missed and it was one of those thoughts that wouldnt go away but did in the end because i kinda got my question answered for me when i recieved a nice text from one of teh bezzies and that made me smile alot and made me stop questioning my credibility. You see i dont think its a bad thing but im bothered if people like me and i dont wont anyone to ever hate me and i think im a nice guy blah blah blah... anyways theres part of me thats always abit upset like its always there either hiding in the back of my head waiting to come out and at the moment i have no opportunity to talk to anyone im busy working and going to bed early those i used to talk to i dont seem to get the chance anymore and theres those who went off to uni and when i do see my friends that still live in hull its not really the place or time to start having a deep convo, im dependant on people i cant bare being alone im not someone that relishes their alone time, i dont hink i take advantage of people for it though i know that, see im a thinker well of course we all are but you know what i mean i day dream alot and run through everything in my head more than once all the time and go through situations and what could of happened and what i did, i do it with everything even livejournal posts and texts and myspace comments i wont always reply as quick untill im happy with what im writing and i make sure its exactly what i say it has taken some time before its well frustrating especially as i mentioned above i cant ever explain myself but im just always caught thinking to myself all the time at the moment and with no one to really talk to its cramming up inside me head, i sometimes wshed i showed my emotions to people abit more i just always come across as this always smilign always happy person and i am pretty much but theres so much underneath that i wish iw ould let out when im around people. i actually wished i took more risks in life not risks like jumping off things etc but with life with peopel with my feelings just thinking something and then actually doing it or telling someone something you know stuff like that and just telling myself what happens because of it has happened at least i did it or tried it what ever.
on a much better note i offically move out on the 20th October which i am excited about but when i find out it did hit me that i would actually be leaving home and i know ill say i cant wait to get away and all that but i know as it gets closer ill start to get a bit more upset but still i cant wait this a good thing for me being round people that i will be around will be good i wont be alone in my room every night ill have people to keep me company and make me laugh and for me to talk to, i think it might open me up a lot more, im like an egg waiting to be cracked lol.
I also went to see incubus on thursday in manchester they were brilliant they really were even though all the way through the gig and still now it doesnt feel like i went to see them but they were really really good and a good way to make you relalise why you loved them anyway, alsoooo i went to leeds on the friday and say jacks and andy's house, didnt see lois though booo! im pretty sure i saw ellie at star but im not really that sure because i dont remember alot at all its really a blur to me so it must of been good, but i had work the next day but at 12 so i was goignt o be ok right? wrong! i woke up ok but then fell asleep again waking up at 11 without my bag or any form of coat so i had to rush to leeds station to find out the next bus was at half 12 so i didnt get to work untill half 2 they were not happy and i foudn out teh day before they recieved three complaints about me which isnt good at all, im just hoping they dont decide to get rid of me because im on a 3 month probation thingy and i cant be doign with getting sacked again especially now im meant to be moving out.
i hope people read this because surely thats the point, if i didnt want peopel to read i would have a personal journal.