For the thieving one I let steal
SELF PRESERVATION
Blushed cheeks on black woman scream embarrassment,
And I scream, inner confidence shattered by my own thoughts.
Thoughts of self, questioning self, wondering if self preservation really offers life’s security.
I’ve held on to my essence, keeping true hurts hidden to ensure he would never manipulate my pain.
Quietly amusing him, his muse for life’s work, keeping my true inhibitions inhibited, hoping he didn’t notice my coy smile.
And now seeing his jubilance with another scars me more than his coarse words ever did, as rouge plays with my cheeks and neck so thick, making even the best make-up artist envious of the true nature of God.
Self preservation serving its purpose of incurring distance between us, But still I keep wondering if security can be gained.
As his life becomes my life more through admirable pain than love
And his thoughts my thoughts, visions to try and regain his trust
Never offering an explanation for my own reservations until he turns away. Then I wonder if the truth of my fears should’ve been offered as I realize solace is obtained best in another’s arms.
Another’s arms
Another’s hands where I still perpetuate the same things.
The same questions of trust
The same methods of manipulation the same
Thoughts of hurt and pain being revealed to only my reflection, hoping a different outcome will ensue, though knowing that this is the true definition of insanity.
So I, insanely embarrassed by my own shattered confidence, smile swallowing my pain and bitter questions with retorts and accolades of changed relationships. Assuring this heart foe, that my words speak true of my emotions. Though already destining him to become a phrase in a poem that I’ll never forget. Since senility can never fully rob of us of our entire lives.
I contemplate his eyes once more before turning away, wondering if self preservation is really all it’s cracked up to be, since by hiding me yes I protected me but have ended up losing.