(no subject)
I just had a long talk with my father over lunch. He could tell something was wrong because I showed up in sweatpants and a sweatshirt and just wandering around the office. And I told him that I am just depressed. But now that I am using that word to describe things fairly often, I dont quite think its exactly right. I mean, I probably am depressed.. but thats not nearly the worst of it. I have this underlying hate for myself. And I only let it out once in a while, but when it comes... it fucking wont go away. I was trying to describe my train of thought to how I get to blaming myself, and It was shocking. Basically, anytime I get sad about anything I somehow come to a thought of "well its your fucking fault and theres nothing you can do about it." Im so angry with the world right now. I have very little faith in people. Theres only a handfull of people I trust. And I dont know whether that is sad, or good, or what? We also talked a lot about personality. And we have so many freakin things in common.. it almost makes me sick. At the moment I feel like such an outcast. I feel like everyone is moving forward, or already has.. and I dont even know them anymore. And im not sure I want to. I dont know who I despise more at the moment, guys or girls.
I really dont want to go back. Partly because I know things are gonna end weird here and that will most likely be the begginning of the end. Well.. actually, that was last night. Partly because Im scared amy wont go back and I dont know if I can make it another semester without her. Partly because Im really sad and my parents dont want me to go back. And partly because I hate fucking arizona. But I am going back. I need to prove to myself that I can do it. That I can get through it. I feel like if I do this then maybe Ill feel the slightest bit better about myself. If I know I can get through a really dark time like this, then maybe I can slowly convince myself that Im going to be ok. I dont know. I dont know anything really. I cant even text the right people.
I do know that without amy and selase talking to me throughout this whole thing I would be nowhere. Thank you. You are amazing.
I really dont want to go back. Partly because I know things are gonna end weird here and that will most likely be the begginning of the end. Well.. actually, that was last night. Partly because Im scared amy wont go back and I dont know if I can make it another semester without her. Partly because Im really sad and my parents dont want me to go back. And partly because I hate fucking arizona. But I am going back. I need to prove to myself that I can do it. That I can get through it. I feel like if I do this then maybe Ill feel the slightest bit better about myself. If I know I can get through a really dark time like this, then maybe I can slowly convince myself that Im going to be ok. I dont know. I dont know anything really. I cant even text the right people.
I do know that without amy and selase talking to me throughout this whole thing I would be nowhere. Thank you. You are amazing.