California! California!
So. havent updated in a while. i guess ive just not had the urge to write recently. but thats not entirely true cuz ive writted in my xanga a couple times. i dont know why i write in that more. i guess i feel like thats something ive had for so long and i cant let it die. i still go back and look at shit i wrote like years ago.. its crazy. and since only like 5 people know my name i feel like its more for me than this. and anyone who knows me knows that i have severe communication problems and never really say what im feeling unless physically forced to. anyway.. that shit doesnt matter.. im writing now. so yeah.
In two days ... or actually like a day and a half now.. me, amy, and chad are all heading off on a little road trip. and by little i mean 750 miles each way.. yep, im going home. finally. im deffinately really excited because i get to spend time (A LOT OF TIME) with the other half (10 MIXES BABY!!) and ofcourse chad, but part of me is kind of scared. I didnt start feeling scared until today. And the reason was because I was having kind of a bad day mentally and felt like if I went home now, I wouldnt want to come back. But the day got better. amy always cheers me up without even knowing it. Ive just been kind of down lately and hadnt really realized it, which is weird. I kind of feel trapped. Trapped with no feasable way of getting out. I cant really explain fully.. but im sure some of you understand. I know Im totally warped in the way that I look at myself, but I cant help it. Its like.. I hear you, and Im trying to believe you, but..... what if you your just saying that?... shit. I dont know, Im crazy.
I talked to my dad today for like 45 minutes and it was actually a really good conversation. We talked about my cousins, who i havent seen in like 10 months! They are getting really into golfing, which was really surprising. Because everytime I see them all they want to do is run around with me and play and neeeeed to be entertained, so i wouldnt think that golf would be that interesting to them. Plus theyre like 6 and 8. so yeah. I miss them. I miss my uncles too. I guess the whole thing with my grandma has been keeping everyone kind of distant. or atleast to me. My three uncles and my dad talk like everyday with eachother and my grandparents, but we dont get together anymore like we used to. Its hard. My dad said that my grandma doesnt like people seeing her in the state that she is and is just embarrassed. And my grandpa has been pretty depressed lately so he never wants to see anyone. But they always invite me to come stay the weekend with them. And I feel really badly for never taking them up on it. Because I love them probably just about as much as you could possibly love someone. Another thing that my dad told me, and i believe i started to cry, was that just about everyday the two of them take a walk arm in arm (because she loses balance a lot) up this little pathway and sit beneath this bridge just talking and sometimes not and looking into the sky. It just kills me to think that m grandma, who used to be able to run around with me and my cousins like three years ago and used to sit on the ground with no problem so people 25 years younger than her could sit in chairs, cant really even walk without assistance. I guess its just all part of life, but its not something Im used to dealing with, and I guess I really havent been able to deal with or havent really tried to.
But besides that. Im stoked to get out of arifuckingzona for a few days. But... I dont want to see ben. And I guess its good then that hes not gonna be back from new york until saturday, the day we leave. I mean, I want to see him, but I just get the feeling that he doesnt want to see me. I just miss the way it was. Doing his laundry with scary asians yelling at us, being a "team" together, watching soo many movies and having him freak me out with knowing every director to the random-ass movie collection at my dads house, waiting for freddy to get home after he passed out, sleeping for two hours in his cramped bed, driving home half asleep thinking about it, ahhh this is fucked up. i miss him, and i dont want to. chad just called. ironic. i feel horrible. eh. enough for now. maybe a little too much. peace easy.
In two days ... or actually like a day and a half now.. me, amy, and chad are all heading off on a little road trip. and by little i mean 750 miles each way.. yep, im going home. finally. im deffinately really excited because i get to spend time (A LOT OF TIME) with the other half (10 MIXES BABY!!) and ofcourse chad, but part of me is kind of scared. I didnt start feeling scared until today. And the reason was because I was having kind of a bad day mentally and felt like if I went home now, I wouldnt want to come back. But the day got better. amy always cheers me up without even knowing it. Ive just been kind of down lately and hadnt really realized it, which is weird. I kind of feel trapped. Trapped with no feasable way of getting out. I cant really explain fully.. but im sure some of you understand. I know Im totally warped in the way that I look at myself, but I cant help it. Its like.. I hear you, and Im trying to believe you, but..... what if you your just saying that?... shit. I dont know, Im crazy.
I talked to my dad today for like 45 minutes and it was actually a really good conversation. We talked about my cousins, who i havent seen in like 10 months! They are getting really into golfing, which was really surprising. Because everytime I see them all they want to do is run around with me and play and neeeeed to be entertained, so i wouldnt think that golf would be that interesting to them. Plus theyre like 6 and 8. so yeah. I miss them. I miss my uncles too. I guess the whole thing with my grandma has been keeping everyone kind of distant. or atleast to me. My three uncles and my dad talk like everyday with eachother and my grandparents, but we dont get together anymore like we used to. Its hard. My dad said that my grandma doesnt like people seeing her in the state that she is and is just embarrassed. And my grandpa has been pretty depressed lately so he never wants to see anyone. But they always invite me to come stay the weekend with them. And I feel really badly for never taking them up on it. Because I love them probably just about as much as you could possibly love someone. Another thing that my dad told me, and i believe i started to cry, was that just about everyday the two of them take a walk arm in arm (because she loses balance a lot) up this little pathway and sit beneath this bridge just talking and sometimes not and looking into the sky. It just kills me to think that m grandma, who used to be able to run around with me and my cousins like three years ago and used to sit on the ground with no problem so people 25 years younger than her could sit in chairs, cant really even walk without assistance. I guess its just all part of life, but its not something Im used to dealing with, and I guess I really havent been able to deal with or havent really tried to.
But besides that. Im stoked to get out of arifuckingzona for a few days. But... I dont want to see ben. And I guess its good then that hes not gonna be back from new york until saturday, the day we leave. I mean, I want to see him, but I just get the feeling that he doesnt want to see me. I just miss the way it was. Doing his laundry with scary asians yelling at us, being a "team" together, watching soo many movies and having him freak me out with knowing every director to the random-ass movie collection at my dads house, waiting for freddy to get home after he passed out, sleeping for two hours in his cramped bed, driving home half asleep thinking about it, ahhh this is fucked up. i miss him, and i dont want to. chad just called. ironic. i feel horrible. eh. enough for now. maybe a little too much. peace easy.