Apr 24, 2005 05:57
Ok, so I was really fucked up when I wrote the last post. But I am still fucking pissed. Well actually just more kind of taken back and confused by the whole thing. Most of the people who probably read this dont really know what happened, but eh.. i dont really want to go into it. Basically I didnt really want to think that I had anything with this one person because I knew that nothing would really come out of it and I would just end up alone, like usual, but I got caught up in it, and its just fucked up. I really wish i honestly didnt care. that would make it soo much better. But god, I hated him and I hated myself tonight. I just dont fucking understand. How can someone go from treating you different than everyone around, to completely not talking and avoiding you because the situation is awkward?? I just saw myself as this like this weird jealous girl who was just kidding herself the whole time thinking that someone might actually be into me and i should have known that i am deffinately not likeable by anyone. i dont know. but the stuff i wrote in the last post about like my image and all of this somehow tieing into eating and appearance, i really dont believe is related at all.. it was just at that moment (given i was a little intoxicated at the time) i just felt alone and rejected i guess and i felt like i wasnt good enough basically. so all my issues that i have already with eating and that shit just got tied in. i dont know.. i dont really expect people to understand fully (except the one person who always understands me..ha). And maybe im making a way bigger deal about all of this than it actually is. infact, i know i am. but the level of hate that i had for myself tonight was something i really dont want to feel ever again. i was ready to just give up on life. and it really wasnt even about the person, it was about the situation and the feeling of not being good enough. and that feeling triggers soooo much for me. because i have always felt that way on some level. so when things happen that re-affirm it, then i figure that it must be true. this shit goes way back to middle school days.. and those were not happy times. well. im feeling better now. MAN its so great to have someone here that is always ready to listen and knows exactly what im feeling and says the exact right things that make me realize how fucked up my perspective on certain situations are and can make me feel 100 times better with a single sentence. im gonna miss this girl soo much over the summer!! i seriously dont know what im gonna do without her. wow. i cant thin about it. its too sad.