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MR. T vs Chuck NORRIS! Who will win in a fight? You decide.
1. Mr. T invented the X-Ray, the G-String, the R-Rating and Jay-Z after a late-night drunken bender caused him to momentarily forget which letter he was.
2. The only other person that can even come close to rival Mr. T is Jesus Christ himself. Jesus is a distant second however, as his birthday, Christmas, is celebrated at the end of December, while Mr. T's is celebrated at the beginning of April, on what was originally call "I Pity Fool's Day."
3. Mr. T pitied betamax, leading to its final demise and the rise of video tape.
4. Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
5. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
6. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
7. Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
8. You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.
9. Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.
10. Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
12. Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it
13. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
14. Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
15. The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
16. In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba
17. Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
18. Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
19. Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
20. In 1989, Mr. T systematically killed every member of the band "MR. MISTER" for stealing his first name.
21. Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.
22. They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.
23. On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.
24. It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
25. Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.
26. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
27. Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
28. Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don't!
29. Sticks and stones may break your bones but Mr T. will also crush your internal organs.
30. Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself.
31. Mr. T doesn't feel pain; pain feels Mr. T.
32. Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
33. Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time.
34. Mr. T does not need spell-check. If Mr. T should ever spell a word wrong, that would immediately become the new correct spelling.
NOW CHUCK
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
11. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
12. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
13. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
14. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
1. Mr. T invented the X-Ray, the G-String, the R-Rating and Jay-Z after a late-night drunken bender caused him to momentarily forget which letter he was.
2. The only other person that can even come close to rival Mr. T is Jesus Christ himself. Jesus is a distant second however, as his birthday, Christmas, is celebrated at the end of December, while Mr. T's is celebrated at the beginning of April, on what was originally call "I Pity Fool's Day."
3. Mr. T pitied betamax, leading to its final demise and the rise of video tape.
4. Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
5. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.
6. Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
7. Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
8. You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.
9. Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.
10. Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
12. Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it
13. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
14. Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
15. The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
16. In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba
17. Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
18. Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
19. Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
20. In 1989, Mr. T systematically killed every member of the band "MR. MISTER" for stealing his first name.
21. Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.
22. They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.
23. On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.
24. It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
25. Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.
26. Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
27. Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
28. Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don't!
29. Sticks and stones may break your bones but Mr T. will also crush your internal organs.
30. Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself.
31. Mr. T doesn't feel pain; pain feels Mr. T.
32. Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
33. Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time.
34. Mr. T does not need spell-check. If Mr. T should ever spell a word wrong, that would immediately become the new correct spelling.
NOW CHUCK
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
11. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
12. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
13. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
14. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.