FIC: Feelings
FIC: Feelings
Fandom: Re-Animator
Pairing: Herbert/Dan
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Herbert has never been good with handling emotions. In fact, he much rather preferred to shut them off all together. However some things are hard to turn away from, and even harder to tolerate when they're upstairs with less than savory company. Suddenly turning them off isn't as easy, and Dan Cain unknowingly opening the floodgates of Herbert West.
Warnings: Herbert has an emotional breakdown, and ends up loosing control of his pent up emotions. This means some morbid doodles get mutilated. Herbert's manipulation of Dan. Dan's treatment of Herbert. Bad grammar, and a good heap of angst. Also in this headcannon Herbert has some abandonment issues. Maybe a tad bit of separation anxiety.
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It was happening again. He tried to ignore it, but every small sound seemed to magnify in his ears as he tried to focus on his work. The hand sitting in front of him was pinned down by the fingertips as the opened palm was being maticulously cut.
"Oh Cain!"
SLICE
Herbert winced at the noise, accidentally cutting the hand much deeper than he intended.
He had a girl over again. He promised he would stop doing that, but he didn't. It was a disturbance. It kept Cain from their work. It kept Herbert from it as well.
In a house as old as theirs, every noise resonated through the hollowed, thin walls. Despite Cain being two floors above him, he could still hear the agitating sound of Dan's company enjoying herself, and the ever present creaking of the old bed frame.
He let out a frustrated sigh as he pulled the scalpel out of the hand, watching the dead appendage continue to bleed out into the tray. Herbert liked to think he was a patient man, but in truth he realized that he was not. He knew his faults, and if there were any he didn't Dan would usually point them out.
However every time this happened Herbert felt his blood boil. There was something about that rythemic sound of the bed two floors up that made his small form heat up. His vision would cloud with thought as his hands fiddled half-heartedly with whatever appendage he'd chosen to work on. He wasn't partial to wasting body parts, they were after all, difficult to come by. Especially since Dr. Graves had gone away temporarily from the hospital. With that bumbling idiot gone, as well as the moron in the crematorium Herbert had to be much more discrete than before. But whenever his partner brought home a quote 'lady-friend', Herbert's mind would stray from the goal.
Whatever thing he'd chosen to work on became less about research and more about tearing something apart or disecting it into small pieces. He quietly tapped the scalpel against the tray, trying to gather an idea for something to do.
"Oh! Yes! Yes Dan!"
SLAM!
Herbert pushed the tray across the table onto the floor. The bloodied hand went flying, the contents of it splattering onto the floor and wall. Without realizing it he'd cut his hand on something, and as he drew back from the outburst he realized his hand was bleeding.
He cursed louder than he intended to, before walking over to a cabinet and unintentionally kicking the tray further across the room. He pulled out some bandages, before dressing the decent sized cut on his knuckles.
Suddenly he stopped. Something was different. The noise had...stopped.
Herbert's ears peaked up, and a smile crept onto his features. It was quiet. He almost jumped when a sound met his ears, only to realize that it was his own laughter. It was a hard, cackling sound. Dan had said he hated the way his laughter sounded. That thought only made him laugh harder.
He began to walk around the lab, giggling and cackling as his mind seemed to drift to any number of memories. He pushed the large safe until a small hole appeared into view. He could hear the sound of experiments past crawling around in the dark. He chuckled at the sound, before gingerly reaching a hand in and picking up a decaying creature assembled of a leg, hand, and mouth. It snapped at him, but he held it a safe enough distance from his face that it wasn't able to nip him.
It struggled in his hand, wiggling around trying to bit him with the grotesque rotton mouth. Herbert never let his smile slip, as he was far too amused by his dying creation. Being mindful of the mouth, he reached a hand behind the knee of the leg, tickling it softly as he giggled. The morbid doodle shook and flailed, and Herbert chuckled as he dropped it behind the wall again. He began pushing the safe back in place.
Various new ideas began flooding through his head as his hands ached for any activity of any kind. He went over to the large refrigerator. Inside of he he knew were two deceased corpses they'd dug up from the cemetery. They were only a few weeks old, and were useful for organs and such. Without much forethought Herbert hauled one out and dragged it over to the safe, propping it up against the cold metal. He went and closed the other contraption before leaning back up against the safe. He glanced down at the body sitting on the ground beside him. It's rotten flesh smelled awful. Still, it was something and he wracked his braid for new ideas to act out on it.
If only Dan knew. If only he knew how much it tormented him. His 'doodling' was not just a thing of curiosity, no, it was a release of stress, of frustration with his peers, his co-workers, and most of all, his partner. He remembered the first time he tried it.
Dan had promised to work with him on an experiment. Herbert had been planning it all week, and was eager to get the work started. However without realizing it Dan had scheduled a date with one of the nurses from the hospital that night, and the result was one of the nastiest arguments Herbert had ever had with him. It ended with Herbert alone in the lab, angrily mashing things together until they made a strange creature of eyes and toes.
At first he was disgusted by what he made, but upon bringing it to life he found it to be quiet entertaining as it stumbled around on the table, inevitable falling into the trashcan.
The even brought a sentimentality to Herbert as he leaned against the safe. Nothing had changed. Dan would always promise things would, but it never did.
Instead he would shout at Herbert every time he pressed the issue, calling him a selfish, inconsiderate, jealous, fanatic.
Herbert's smile fell at the words that had been spoken only hours before.
They hurt.
Herbert had never been one for hurt feelings, he didn't to well with emotions. He was more tenderhearted than Dan thought, and more often then not Herbert had banished himself to the lab to do what could only be described as sulk.
For someone who showed so little emotion, Herbert did feel. He wondered if Dan realized this.
His cheeks were wet. That was odd, he didn't think that he'd gotten any blood on his face. He gently placed his fingers on his cheek, only to find not blood, but the clear stain of a tear.
But he didn't cry. He never cried. Not even as a child.
This was a lie.
No it wasn't. It was true, he was a respectable scientist. He didn't cry.
Even if he did, it wasn't over silly things like civil disputes between him and his roommate. No, these were tears of frustration, of anger.
No they weren't.
It doesn't matter. It'll be worth it. It'll be worth it when they, no, he finds the cure for the disease that is death! Then everyone who ever mocked him will pay with public shame. They'll say they knew the great Dr. West, but never admit that they called him crazy, said he was obsessed, that he was a fanatic.
When had he sunk to the floor? He was just standing a minute ago. Now he was sitting on the cold concrete floor, propped up against the safe right next to the rotting corpse. It was completely dead. No traces of life. What had this person done in life? Obviosly not much, to be buried in a place like Potters Field. Herbert could give him life. Continuously, as long as he had re-agent, he could keep this corpse partially alive forever. He found himself pulling his knees to his chest as his mind tried to wrap around the very idea of living forever.
Even with re-agent, nobody could live forever. Not Dr. Hill, not Meg, not Dan...not even Herbert. The only way to live forever was in infamy. He would be infamous...wouldn't he? He wold defeat death. Of course he would be famous.
"Herbert?"
Herbert didn't hear the intruder.
"Herbert? Are you okay?" the voice called again.
Daniel Cain was never very good at handling high stress situations. He was the worst possible person to go into the medical field, he was caring, attached, and easily over-whelmed. He was however very preceptive, and upon hearing more than one loud crashes from the basement lab decided it would be in his best interests to investigate.
He left his company upstairs, saying simply he was going to investigate the strange sound. She was no pleased, but for all Dan knew, there could be a severed arm around Herbert's throat.
The lab seemed messier than usual as he entered. On the table was a pool of blood, which he could match to the spatter on the adjacent cabinet. A badly mutilated hand rested in it's own pool on the floor. He looked at the counter to see the basic first aid kit out, it's contents strewn across the countertop.
"Herbert?" He asked suddenly becoming quieter.
Herbert heard his name, but the identity of the speaker was lost on him as he stared at the wall in front of him. His eyes still leaked quiet tears as his hands clenched at the meterial of his pants. Whoever was in the lab wasn't relevant. There were thoughts finally clouding his mind. Legitimate thoughts, no ridiculous civil disputes or ethical issues, but instead deeper ideas about the very nature of immortality. These were what he should be thinking about. Not Dan Cain.
The aforementioned assistant became restless with the lack of response. Where was Herbert? Was he okay? Had something happened? Was Dan going to have to get the gun again?
He rounded a corner to finally lay eyes on Herbert West. The Great Scientist Dr. West was on the floor, leaning against the safe resting his head on the shoulder of a corpse. He had his legs pulled tightly against his small frame as his arms held them there. His hand had a bloody bandage wrapped around it, which dripped onto the floor creating the only accompanying sound of Herbert's quiet breathing.
His shirt was filthy, blood spattering it as his pants were dirty from the dusty floor. Small pieces of rotting flesh from the corpse stuck to his sleeve from leaning on the disgusting thing.
All of these things struck Dan with worry, but nothing made his blood run colder than the sight of Herbert's face. Only a few times had he seen expressions other than complete seriousness. But never had he ever seen Herbert look so...vulnerable. And were those...no, it couldn't be. Were those tears?
Dan carefully approached him, watching Herbert's distant expression as he quietly knelt in front of him. Herbert looked almost like he was cuddling against the corpse, the way he'd pressed his body against it's side and rested his head on it's shoulder.
Those were tears. Herbert West, the Herbert West was crying? He'd seen Herbert display a number of emotions, for great joy to incomprehensible anger, but never had he seen him look so broken up.
Herbert's eyes looked right through him, not even registering his face as his mind continued to ponder the deepest issues of morality and the soul.
"Herbert?" he whispered carefully. If it weren't for the man's quiet breathing Dan would've thought he were as dead as the corpse beside him.
Herbert gave him no response. Instead his hurt expression continued to stare vacantly past him.
Dan was scared. This was strange. Given that Herbert was a strange little man as things were, but this was too strange. He could see so much emotion on that usually stoic face. But the overall emotion was hurt.
He looked so...human.
"Herbert...Herbert what's wrong? What happened?"
Dan gingerly reached a hand out and touched Herbert's cheek, wiping a tear away from his face with his thumb.
"Herbert?" he tried again, and breathed a sigh of relief when Herbert tilted his head up to look at Dan. His eyes were still clouded as the confusion began to shine through them.
"Herbert thank god! You had me really worried for a second! What happened are you okay?" Dan asked eagerly, still gently stroking Herbert's cheek.
Herbert looked at Dan, the confusion fading into hurt again. Without a word he tried to turn his face away. After all, he was a dignified scientist. He didn't have to let Dan see how upset he was. But upset with what? With Dan? With himself? With the work? He didn't know.
"Herbert please look at me." Dan begged, taking Herbert's face in both his hands, forcing him to look at him.
"Please Herbert, what happened?!" he asked a little more urgently.
Herbert didn't know. What had he been doing all night? When did he hurt his hand? Where had the body come from? Oh. right. His outbursts. But what was he angry about? No, not angry...sad. What made him feel so hurt?
All of these questions seemed to blur together as Herbert tried his best to not look at Dan.
"Damn it Herbert look at me!" he shouted. He immediately regretted it.
Herbert cringed, more tears leaking from his eyes. How long had it been? Years. It had been years that Dan Cain had been living with Herbert West. But never had he acted anything like this.
"I...I..." Herbert started, but was unable to really put words together. How long had this been building up? All these feelings about Dan, the work, everything?
"I can't...I..."
Dan watched as Herbert stumbled over syllables. He was a mess. An absolute mess.
"Herbert I need to you to get up off the floor. You're going to get sick if you stay like this." he said, before gently picking up Herbert and hoisting him into his arms. Like Dan had always suspected, he was extremely light. Herbert desperately clutched to Dan's tee shirt as they ascended the stairs.
"I...umm...I can't...we..."
"Shh, it's okay. I think you're just having a nervous breakdown okay? You're going to be fine. Relax, I've got you." he soothed.
Herbert only clutched onto him more.
"Dan...is that you? I...you...don't...don't go..." he mumbled.
"It's okay Herbert, I'm not going anywhere." Dan replied softly as he laid Herbert down gently onto the couch in thier modest livingroom. Herbert still tried to clutch to Dan, but the taller man was able to calm him down enough to get him to stop clawing at Dan's shirt.
"I'm going to go get some stuff okay, I'll come back I promise."
"No! n-no...Dan? No...Don't be like them...don't go..." he mumbled as his glossy eyes drifted into and away from reality.
Dan didn't have time to inquire, this first priority being the woman up in his room, and weather or not Herbert's strange exsistential crisis would be severe enough to put his small body into shock. His mind was filled with questions as he quickly ran upstairs.
"Dan where have you been? Is everything alright?" his company asked.
"Listen, there's been an incident. I'm going to have to ask you to leave, as I've got to get the situation under control." he said trying to hide the obvious worry in his voice.
"Situation? What's wrong? Did something happen?"
"I'll explain later, but right now I need you to leave." he said a bit harsher than he intended.
The woman huffed, obviously not buying the emergency story. She quickly dressed herself before grabbing her purse and stomping down the stairs.
He followed her, making sure she didn't disturb Herbert as she slammed the door on her way out. Dan cursed under his breath. Sure, he was desperate for company now a days, but was he so desperate to sleep with whatever intern nurse walked through the ER? Maybe.
He looked down at Herbert, who's eyes had slipped closed as he continued to mumble broken sentences.
He'd noticed it many times, but never like he did now. Herbert West was small. Dan let his eyes glance over Herbert's tiny frame as he shook and fidgeted in small bursts.
His arms were short, as were his legs, all of these were proportionate of course. They were thin and lanky, with little muscle definition. Dan let his eyes stay on Herbert's chest for a moment. He watched it heave up and down, showing off how small the man truly was. Herbert wasn't active. He didn't exercise, and he ate very little. It really wasn't surprising that he was small when you took into account his lifestyle.
Dan's eyes glanced at Herbert's face, and stopped there. That usually stern face was a mess of emotions, none of which making much sense as the scientist writhed in front of him. His large glasses sat precariously on his nose, askew to the point where they were most likely to fall to the floor before long. Herbert had weak eyes. Dan tried his glasses once, and was amazed by how blind Herbert really was.
"Herbert?" he cooed softly, gently reaching a hand out to Herbert's cheek. "Herbert I'm back."
Dan watched as those tired, distraught brown eyes slowly opened and fixed themselves on him.
"Dan?" he called quietly. "What's going on?"
How could Dan answer that?
"Um, I found you in the lab, you were on the floor with a corpse crying-"
"I don't cry!" Herbert spat back, rubbing his tired eyes again. "I am a scientist after all."
"Look Herbert the time for pride is later, I want to know what made you so upset." Dan demanded.
"I'm fine." Herbert snapped, although it was weak with the weariness of Herbert's sudden and (at least to Dan) unexplainable outburst.
"...I'm fine Dan." he tried again, this time sounding more firm. "Thank you for helping me."
This was strange. He had the feeling Herbert knew exactly the events prior to the situation, and was simply trying to lead Dan into believing that he honestly had no clue what had happened, thus making it easier for them to drop the issue. Herbert knew if Dan knew the roots of his problems, he'd try to fix them. And Herbert...Herbert just wasn't ready to fix them.
After all, he was working on the formula for immortality. He didn't have time for fixing such trivial things like personal problems and insecurities.
"Of course. You just...You just scared the shit out of me is all. Are you sure you don't know what upset you? It wasn't the arguement was it? You know I just get carried away sometimes, I didn't mean to hurt you."
Dan tried again.
Herbert had to surpress a grin. An apology from Dan was one of the sweetest things in his manipulative ears, and with those words he was positive he'd fooled Dan.
"It's fine. We're fine, aren't we Cain?" Herbert asked.
Then Dan did something Herbert never expected him to do. Dan reached his arms around Herbert's small shoulders and pulled him close.
"Good. Don't ever do that to me again okay? For a while I thought you'd actually lost it. I don't think I could send you off to a mental institution in good conscience either."
Dan's hand gently stroked Herbert's hair as the smaller man simply sat there up against Dan. For a moment Herbert worried that he'd loose control again, that the tears would start to flow and he'd become a sobbing mess in front of the only man he'd ever been able to manipulate well enough to be an assistant, the only man he'd ever called a...friend. So he rested his head against Dan Cain's warm chest and relaxed.
"Dan?" he asked.
"Yeah?"
"Don't ever leave me." he mumbled.
An awkward silence filled the room as Dan tried to process the words his partner had just spoken. Was that it? It couldn't possibly be that simple could it? It would explain everything, the jealousy, the arguing, the loud noises, the mutilated hand, the curling up in a ball on the ground and crying, even the desperate clinging to Dan.
Was Herbert really that dependent on him? No, Herbert was a self-centered, short, strange little man with a god-complex and nobody to limit his impending fanaticism. But it made sense.
From what Dan knew, Herbert had been alone for the majority of his life, straying away from topics like family and friends. He had only the most basic of social skills, and had terrible time being pleasant among others. Dan was the only one who really stayed with Herbert. He took care of him, made sure he ate, made sure he slept, made sure he didn't overdose on re-agent.
It never really occurred to Dan that Herbert appreciated him. He'd always assumed that Herbert didn't even notice the little things Dan did for him. And how had Dan treated Herbert? He argued with him, blew him off, and neglected the work for the company of women even he would admit weren't exactly savory.
He remembered when they first started arguing about Dan's 'company'. It was just after Herbert had stopped shooting himself up with the re-agent, and just before Herbert's morbid doodling began.
Herbert meanwhile laid in Dan's arms anxiously awaiting an answer. What was he thinking? Asking something like that? Something so personal? The kind of thing Herbert only thought about, never acted upon. He'd just convinced Cain that he had no clue what had happened the last few hours, and now he might have very well shattered that illusion.
For what? For some stupid security?
"Dan?" he asked again, trying to keep the desperation out of his tone.
"...I promise Herbert. I won't leave."
Without realizing it Herbert exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding. He rested his head on Dan's chest, blushing slightly from the warmth of the other man as they sat on the couch. Dan sat on the couch, with Herbert laying across it with his head against Dan. It was quiet, warm, and...safe.
"Thanks Dan."
"...You're welcome Herbert."
----
Well there's a sappy Re-Animator fanfic I wrote at 3 am on a school night. I failed a quiz because of this. I slept late, and by the time I got to school the next day I had no recollection of what happened in Chapter Six of All Quiet on the Western Front I read the night prior.
Worth it.
Please R&R, as all criticism is appreciated (as long as it's constructive).