What a year it has already been!
Dear friends,
Oh, dears. What a year it has been already. The troubles just keep rolling in.
Just four days after my last entry, my grandmother died. I was with her on her deathbed and my mother and I did everything we could to comfort her. It happened very quickly and we somehow saw this coming. But she had been frail and sick for a while and her fierce energies just kept coming, we somehow still believed she'd survive us all.
I had a tough time after this and am still trying to keep the pictures from coming to my mind ever so often, but I feel much better already. But I have made my peace with what has happened. My grandmother lived to be 82 and she was not exactly the kind of person to embrace life. I was involved with the funeral preparations, which helped me cope in a strange way. It felt good to give her the best possible goodbye and to have the knowledge and peace that we did a lot of things to make her life happier, although she desperately wanted to be bitter and gloomy at times. We still managed to make her smile, which she rarely did in her life, and that is what counts.
It is hard work to clear her big, stuffed house and it pains us all to sell it, but there is no other way. Giving it a makeover and then renting it out would take years to pay off and we all know that none of us will ever want to live there. So there is really no sense in keeping it.
My little mouse died a month later, which also made my heart terribly heavy. I love my pets with all my heart and Pumpum lived to be almost four years all, which is a fab each for a little mouse. I remeber how I found him on the school yard and took him home while the others wanted to kick him around or throw him out of the window. The empty spot on my shelf where his cage used to be hurts to look it, but me and my parents also tried to give him the best life possible.
The reconstuctive surgery I had on my chest also didn't go as planned. Six years ago, I was overweight and managed to slim down. After I had mostly gotten to terms with my psychic problems concerning my weight loss, I decided to do something with my breasts, which had gone empty and saggy. My family and friends understood as it was clearly visible that my skin had really not coped well with the loss of volume and that it made me feel unhappy.
In Germany, insurances used to pay for these kinds of surgeries if there was some sense behind it, like in my case, but they have tightened up in the last few years and decided not to pay them anymore. Luckily, my parents had saved money from me from birth on and I was allowed to take it for this purpose. I had the surgery in August and was satisfied with the result, although it had turned out slightly bigger than I wanted it (I may be tall, but I do prefer them small, heh...).
But already two months after surgery I developed fibrosis and the whole thing has to be re-done in a more intensive way, with new cuts and scarrs. I'm a bit scared, but I hope things will be okay. The fibrosis has turned my chest to stone - it looks and feel as if I'm hiding oranges in my bra. I guess it can only get better.
I'm also moving out of my shared apartment soon. My flatmate Lina has turned out to be very, very different from how she has always presented herself.
While I have done a lot to make my life a bit more organized and much more positive, Lina is a living mess. I am sure she has her reasons and problems of her own, but it hurts me when she allows food to mold in the fridge although it is serious hazard to my feeble liver and how she keeps half of the dished used, under her bed. Why do people move into a shared household when they have no intentions of helping? For what I know, she is quite happy with me doing the dishes, mopping the floors and getting the trash out.
I haven't found a new place to stay yet, which makes me a bit nervous. The papers that show places come twice a week and I always await them desperately! It was a hard decision to leave this place only half a year after I've moved in, but the apartment itself is not in a good condition (the hot water often switches itself of and the windows are not sealed properly!) and the situation with Lina has become unbearable.
To aknowledge some good things, too, I feel more stable now than I have ever been. Maybe all the things that have changed and happened in the last months have made me more sensible, but I feel like I have my life under control now. I managed to attend my university courses regulary and have finished the first part of an intensive module on the USA, which will result in a trip to Washington DC in September! I am really excited about the trip. I've only been to the USA once when I was 15 and didn't get to experience it that well. And boy, do I look forward to shopping at Hot Topic! :D Maybe I can save up enough money beforehand to fullfill my kitsch dream of a horrible pink Juicy Couture track suit. ;)
My parents have become much more relaxed. The strain of checking on my grandmother personally every evening has finally been lifted from my mother and I think they are also happy about the fact that I have become a bit better at taking care of myself. I think things are going to become much better now. My brother is still difficult to get hold of. He is very involved with his girlfriend's family and he also is very passionate about his job at university, so we rarely have time to talk... but I hope there will someday be a point where we learn to appreciate each other.
My liver and I are going to celebrate our fifth anniversary together in May and it made me remember how proud I can be of my friends. I want to take my three best friends out for lunch or dinner on the occasion, because the stuck to me through these hard times. There were some that turned away and I did not blame them for long, but I am so thankful to Julia, Jasmin and Vicky. They stayed with me, even when I became unbearable at times.
The relationship with my boyfriend Elliott is also going well. I never thought I could have a relationship with someone much younger than me, but somehow it is working out. I guess I needed to fall a couple of times to realize that I needed someone who is crazy but still has his life under control. I've had too many partners who never thought about their future.
Now, to the true meaning of Lifejournal - fandoms. ;) I've been rewatching "Mummies Alive!" lately, a TV show I deeply loved when I was about 11 (ancient Egypt, fetching characters and fab repeating transformation scenes - what more do you need? :D ) and am in the deviantart group for that, which is managed by a really fun girl. Mummies Alive came up again when my childhood friend Mel and I were going through one of our old letterbooks on the phone. I still believe it is perfectly normal to be slightly in love with fictional characters. ;)
I have three more weeks of semester holidays. My second surgery is due to be done soon and I will keep looking for a new appartment which I will have all to myself. I hope I will find the time to do some fanart again as well.
Who else is on deviantart? My name there is "amywinemouse". Yeah, I know, not very artistic - but it sounds so cute. :D
Oh, dears. What a year it has been already. The troubles just keep rolling in.
Just four days after my last entry, my grandmother died. I was with her on her deathbed and my mother and I did everything we could to comfort her. It happened very quickly and we somehow saw this coming. But she had been frail and sick for a while and her fierce energies just kept coming, we somehow still believed she'd survive us all.
I had a tough time after this and am still trying to keep the pictures from coming to my mind ever so often, but I feel much better already. But I have made my peace with what has happened. My grandmother lived to be 82 and she was not exactly the kind of person to embrace life. I was involved with the funeral preparations, which helped me cope in a strange way. It felt good to give her the best possible goodbye and to have the knowledge and peace that we did a lot of things to make her life happier, although she desperately wanted to be bitter and gloomy at times. We still managed to make her smile, which she rarely did in her life, and that is what counts.
It is hard work to clear her big, stuffed house and it pains us all to sell it, but there is no other way. Giving it a makeover and then renting it out would take years to pay off and we all know that none of us will ever want to live there. So there is really no sense in keeping it.
My little mouse died a month later, which also made my heart terribly heavy. I love my pets with all my heart and Pumpum lived to be almost four years all, which is a fab each for a little mouse. I remeber how I found him on the school yard and took him home while the others wanted to kick him around or throw him out of the window. The empty spot on my shelf where his cage used to be hurts to look it, but me and my parents also tried to give him the best life possible.
The reconstuctive surgery I had on my chest also didn't go as planned. Six years ago, I was overweight and managed to slim down. After I had mostly gotten to terms with my psychic problems concerning my weight loss, I decided to do something with my breasts, which had gone empty and saggy. My family and friends understood as it was clearly visible that my skin had really not coped well with the loss of volume and that it made me feel unhappy.
In Germany, insurances used to pay for these kinds of surgeries if there was some sense behind it, like in my case, but they have tightened up in the last few years and decided not to pay them anymore. Luckily, my parents had saved money from me from birth on and I was allowed to take it for this purpose. I had the surgery in August and was satisfied with the result, although it had turned out slightly bigger than I wanted it (I may be tall, but I do prefer them small, heh...).
But already two months after surgery I developed fibrosis and the whole thing has to be re-done in a more intensive way, with new cuts and scarrs. I'm a bit scared, but I hope things will be okay. The fibrosis has turned my chest to stone - it looks and feel as if I'm hiding oranges in my bra. I guess it can only get better.
I'm also moving out of my shared apartment soon. My flatmate Lina has turned out to be very, very different from how she has always presented herself.
While I have done a lot to make my life a bit more organized and much more positive, Lina is a living mess. I am sure she has her reasons and problems of her own, but it hurts me when she allows food to mold in the fridge although it is serious hazard to my feeble liver and how she keeps half of the dished used, under her bed. Why do people move into a shared household when they have no intentions of helping? For what I know, she is quite happy with me doing the dishes, mopping the floors and getting the trash out.
I haven't found a new place to stay yet, which makes me a bit nervous. The papers that show places come twice a week and I always await them desperately! It was a hard decision to leave this place only half a year after I've moved in, but the apartment itself is not in a good condition (the hot water often switches itself of and the windows are not sealed properly!) and the situation with Lina has become unbearable.
To aknowledge some good things, too, I feel more stable now than I have ever been. Maybe all the things that have changed and happened in the last months have made me more sensible, but I feel like I have my life under control now. I managed to attend my university courses regulary and have finished the first part of an intensive module on the USA, which will result in a trip to Washington DC in September! I am really excited about the trip. I've only been to the USA once when I was 15 and didn't get to experience it that well. And boy, do I look forward to shopping at Hot Topic! :D Maybe I can save up enough money beforehand to fullfill my kitsch dream of a horrible pink Juicy Couture track suit. ;)
My parents have become much more relaxed. The strain of checking on my grandmother personally every evening has finally been lifted from my mother and I think they are also happy about the fact that I have become a bit better at taking care of myself. I think things are going to become much better now. My brother is still difficult to get hold of. He is very involved with his girlfriend's family and he also is very passionate about his job at university, so we rarely have time to talk... but I hope there will someday be a point where we learn to appreciate each other.
My liver and I are going to celebrate our fifth anniversary together in May and it made me remember how proud I can be of my friends. I want to take my three best friends out for lunch or dinner on the occasion, because the stuck to me through these hard times. There were some that turned away and I did not blame them for long, but I am so thankful to Julia, Jasmin and Vicky. They stayed with me, even when I became unbearable at times.
The relationship with my boyfriend Elliott is also going well. I never thought I could have a relationship with someone much younger than me, but somehow it is working out. I guess I needed to fall a couple of times to realize that I needed someone who is crazy but still has his life under control. I've had too many partners who never thought about their future.
Now, to the true meaning of Lifejournal - fandoms. ;) I've been rewatching "Mummies Alive!" lately, a TV show I deeply loved when I was about 11 (ancient Egypt, fetching characters and fab repeating transformation scenes - what more do you need? :D ) and am in the deviantart group for that, which is managed by a really fun girl. Mummies Alive came up again when my childhood friend Mel and I were going through one of our old letterbooks on the phone. I still believe it is perfectly normal to be slightly in love with fictional characters. ;)
I have three more weeks of semester holidays. My second surgery is due to be done soon and I will keep looking for a new appartment which I will have all to myself. I hope I will find the time to do some fanart again as well.
Who else is on deviantart? My name there is "amywinemouse". Yeah, I know, not very artistic - but it sounds so cute. :D