(no subject)
ok so i jus woke up from a gorgeous nap. it lasted from 400 till now and i can honestly say it is the most sleep ive gotten all week. so maybe i will no longer be a walking zombie tomorrow? and ive been so cranky this week.
i cant stand school anymore. thk god its coming to an end. and after the events of tuesday... which i shall get into... i did some soul searching. its been awhile since ive bothered to look deep into myself since depression has been the predominant factor in my life for so long. but i realized... im not so bad. and im no bigger of a bitch than the rest of IB.... heres the difference between me and most people tho... im honest about. everyone else talks about thier best freind when that person isnt around and i choose just to blurt my feelings out. and i feel bad for the people to trust so easily because 99% of IB is two faced and has something to say about thier best freind behind thier back.
but anyways.
remember how lovely my weekend was? well of course things are always too good to be true. i went to work tuesday in such a happy mood and i was looking forward to seeing robbie so much and then after work we got in this huge blown out fight while mike was in the backseat. its been ahwile since we've had a fight like this. i cried hard all the way home. but as horrible as the fight was, im glad it happened. i got out so much that ive been holding in since like the beginning of march, it was like when i couldnt hold in all my tears anymore everything else ive been feeling came pouring out as well.
and i realized some things. the reason i simply cant force myself to care about anything any more is that i feel like no one is pulling for me. you know, i used to feel like rob was the only one who would stand next to me and cheer me on but for such a long time now ive felt like even he is too busy and wrapped up with his goals to care for me and i was wrong about that.
my other realization was that im too worried about pleasing everyone else. ive given up on myself and concentrated way too hard on everyone else and that was my other mistake. i finally see that its ok to be selfish since everyone else is... as horrible as that sounds.
dont get me wrong... after everything we've been thru in the 4 years weve known each other i think i honestly do love him. but it has occured to me that were still young and right now, we need to be selfish and we need to worry about ourselves in order to do what we need to do.
so after all of that let me just say last night was amazing. i think that finally just screaming what weve been feeling at each other helped a lot... in kind of a sick therapy. our relationship felt new again... like it was ok to love each other again.
now i took off work tonight but rob had to work so we wont see each other. im hoping that this will not also be too good to be true.
tomorrow is the concert and i am not thrilled. i know like 40% of the music and almost none of the choreography so im seriously hoping i wont look ridiculous.
so what else has been happening in life? um my grad/bday party is the 28th so mark ur calendars. i will be registering for my free education at towson in a few days. oh, i have yet to begin my forensics project and im thinking thats what i shall be doing tomorrow night and some of sunday. of course i have once again overbooked myself with sunday. oh way.
oh and mercy ridge is the gayest place EVER. see, rob is a captain there which places him on a level with a manager. there are 3 restaurants there, the dining room, the bistro and the cafe.i used to work in the dining room wityh rob but then one of the little dulaney snobs went and complained to management that he shows me favoritism so they moved me to the bistro. [the favoritism is BS tho since he really comes down harder on me than anyone else... and they let the managers grandkids work in the dining room with him]
well this backfired on them because i LOVE the bistro.
and that was just a little sidenote.
i think im done.
i cant stand school anymore. thk god its coming to an end. and after the events of tuesday... which i shall get into... i did some soul searching. its been awhile since ive bothered to look deep into myself since depression has been the predominant factor in my life for so long. but i realized... im not so bad. and im no bigger of a bitch than the rest of IB.... heres the difference between me and most people tho... im honest about. everyone else talks about thier best freind when that person isnt around and i choose just to blurt my feelings out. and i feel bad for the people to trust so easily because 99% of IB is two faced and has something to say about thier best freind behind thier back.
but anyways.
remember how lovely my weekend was? well of course things are always too good to be true. i went to work tuesday in such a happy mood and i was looking forward to seeing robbie so much and then after work we got in this huge blown out fight while mike was in the backseat. its been ahwile since we've had a fight like this. i cried hard all the way home. but as horrible as the fight was, im glad it happened. i got out so much that ive been holding in since like the beginning of march, it was like when i couldnt hold in all my tears anymore everything else ive been feeling came pouring out as well.
and i realized some things. the reason i simply cant force myself to care about anything any more is that i feel like no one is pulling for me. you know, i used to feel like rob was the only one who would stand next to me and cheer me on but for such a long time now ive felt like even he is too busy and wrapped up with his goals to care for me and i was wrong about that.
my other realization was that im too worried about pleasing everyone else. ive given up on myself and concentrated way too hard on everyone else and that was my other mistake. i finally see that its ok to be selfish since everyone else is... as horrible as that sounds.
dont get me wrong... after everything we've been thru in the 4 years weve known each other i think i honestly do love him. but it has occured to me that were still young and right now, we need to be selfish and we need to worry about ourselves in order to do what we need to do.
so after all of that let me just say last night was amazing. i think that finally just screaming what weve been feeling at each other helped a lot... in kind of a sick therapy. our relationship felt new again... like it was ok to love each other again.
now i took off work tonight but rob had to work so we wont see each other. im hoping that this will not also be too good to be true.
tomorrow is the concert and i am not thrilled. i know like 40% of the music and almost none of the choreography so im seriously hoping i wont look ridiculous.
so what else has been happening in life? um my grad/bday party is the 28th so mark ur calendars. i will be registering for my free education at towson in a few days. oh, i have yet to begin my forensics project and im thinking thats what i shall be doing tomorrow night and some of sunday. of course i have once again overbooked myself with sunday. oh way.
oh and mercy ridge is the gayest place EVER. see, rob is a captain there which places him on a level with a manager. there are 3 restaurants there, the dining room, the bistro and the cafe.i used to work in the dining room wityh rob but then one of the little dulaney snobs went and complained to management that he shows me favoritism so they moved me to the bistro. [the favoritism is BS tho since he really comes down harder on me than anyone else... and they let the managers grandkids work in the dining room with him]
well this backfired on them because i LOVE the bistro.
and that was just a little sidenote.
i think im done.