(no subject)
i know i havent updated in a really long time, but its such a pain in the ass. anyway, my dad's been looking, but i've decided i dont care. it sucks when people go away to college, they just flat out ignore you.
anyway, i've been spending lots of time with helen at swim. today she gave me a bible just to look at, she said. i'm so confused. she said i could keep it for as long as i wanted. but do i want? here comes helen, almost like a goddess i want to say, offering me christianity (however subtly) at a time when i am hating my rabbi, doubting my religion, and leaning toward atheism. its so tempting...but do i want to venture down THAT path? i dont know. i'm lost, and thinking about handing my uncertainty to helen. after all--when i look at her, i feel as if i couldn't find anyone else as sure about her beliefs. how can she be wrong if she is so certain? and she gets so much comfort from it!!! i kind of feel like my gut reacition is to pull away before its too late (think of all the trouble i'd be getting myself into--with family and all--if i went with it); but that gut reaction might just be all that judaism hammered into me,however unwillingly, my whole life.
i don't know. i need that god now, i need him to believe in.
anyway, i've been spending lots of time with helen at swim. today she gave me a bible just to look at, she said. i'm so confused. she said i could keep it for as long as i wanted. but do i want? here comes helen, almost like a goddess i want to say, offering me christianity (however subtly) at a time when i am hating my rabbi, doubting my religion, and leaning toward atheism. its so tempting...but do i want to venture down THAT path? i dont know. i'm lost, and thinking about handing my uncertainty to helen. after all--when i look at her, i feel as if i couldn't find anyone else as sure about her beliefs. how can she be wrong if she is so certain? and she gets so much comfort from it!!! i kind of feel like my gut reacition is to pull away before its too late (think of all the trouble i'd be getting myself into--with family and all--if i went with it); but that gut reaction might just be all that judaism hammered into me,however unwillingly, my whole life.
i don't know. i need that god now, i need him to believe in.