Catalyst (1/?)
Title: Catalyst
Pairing(s): Jongin/Kyungsoo, Chanyeol/Baekhyun, past!Chanyeol/Kyungsoo
Rating: PG-13
Genre: slight angst, romance
Summary: Kyungsoo thinks Chanyeol is blind for not seeing that it's Baekhyun, not him, who'll truly make him happy. And just when Kyungsoo thought he could be content with being alone, Jongin comes into his life and breaks his walls.
Note: first posted on AFF
He never thought silence could be that loud, but it is the best way to describe what was between them. The silence is louder than any of the words that they could say at that moment. So not a single word is uttered, because they can feel in the air the finality, they were done. A mix of confusion and hurt is the glaze the eyes of the man in front of him, to him though, everything is crystal clear. He thinks about all the things that transpired between them and realizes that this is where they were headed all along.
“Please don’t do this,” the man says, his voice shaking and his eyes pleading.
I won’t is what he wants to tell him. He wants to wipe off the tears that were forming in the other’s eyes. He wants to take back all the words he already said and assure the other that he was his. He wants to assure him that everything is and will be okay. But he can’t, because if he doesn’t do it now, he never will.
So instead he shakes his head, keeping a slight smile on his lips, “Can’t you see though? I’m not the person you need.”
Slowly, he takes off the circular piece of metal that has been burdening him for the past 6 months and places it firmly on the table, “Sorry, Yeol. You might not see it now, but someday you’ll thank me for this.”
The boy reaches across the table for his hands, his knuckles white because of how tight he was holding on to the edge, trying to find some sense in what was happening. But he immediately removes his hand from the grasp of the boy whose warmth and smile he’ll miss. His touches, his voice, and his laugh will forever haunt him in his sleep. The things that once were his reality are about to be the root of all his nightmare. But he thinks that maybe they weren’t meant for him in the first place.
He stands up from his seat with his head down and gives the boy he’s been in love with for the past 5 years one last glance, “Trust me, okay?”
The boy’s eyes weren’t on him as he leaves. Which probably is for the best, because he knows that if he sees the pain on the boy’s eyes, he would never end up leaving.
~~~~~~~~~~
Kyungsoo still remembers the first time he laid his eyes on Chanyeol. He clearly recalls how Chanyeol tripped on his shoelaces while walking towards Kyungsoo and Baekhyun, falling face first on the floor and picking himself up as if nothing had happened. His signature goofy and stupid smile plastered on his face when Baekhyun introduced him to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo knew even then, that his friend from the college choir was in love with his best friend. The way Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol was enough to conclude and confirm the feelings that Baekhyun haven’t even told him about.
Kyungsoo met Baekhyun at the start of their junior year. They were sitting beside each other in the choir room, both fidgeting nervously on their seats. Kyungsoo initially didn’t plan on auditioning for the school choir, but his best friend and roommate Jongdae, who was already a member, had been pestering him since sophomore year to do so. Kyungsoo kept on rejecting his offers saying that he doesn’t have as much training as Jongdae and the other choir members considering that all of them were music majors, and Kyungsoo was a Chemistry major. His professors taught him about elements and atoms, not about notes and beats. Jongdae dismissed his worries, saying that it didn’t matter whether he majored in music or not, because he was actually good, adding that he should at least put his talents to use. Kyungsoo relented, and there he was. He was absentmindedly biting his nails to the stub, when Baekhyun tapped his shoulder and asked what time it was. That sparked a conversation that took both their minds away from the impending audition. Baekhyun majored in music and is actually classmates with Jongdae as well. They both agreed that Jongdae is overbearing and nosy. Kyungsoo found out that Baekhyun had been planning to audition since freshman year, but he always missed the auditions because of very unfortunate events. They came out of the auditions with a weird friendship. Kyungsoo thought of it as something unstable and unsure, something that would be nurtured through time. And he was right, the friendship they had indeed stabled when both of them got into the choir.
If Kyungsoo were to be asked, he’d think Baekhyun was a masochist. He smiled at every single stupid thing Chanyeol did, but there’s an obvious glint of need, want, and pain in his eyes. And to prove Kyungsoo’s point, Baekhyun set them up on a date, saying that Chanyeol had the biggest crush on Kyungsoo. He initially wanted to decline, to find an excuse not to go out with the boy. But the pleading and kicked puppy look on Baekhyun’s face was enough to convince Kyungsoo for just one date.
Their first date was at a quaint Italian restaurant near the university. Chanyeol picked him up from his dorm room, wearing a red plaid polo and ripped jeans. He’s armed with a gift (which Kyungsoo opened when he got home; it was an atomic clock, one that he’s been coveting for a while already) and his charming smile. They walked to the restaurant, with a comfortable silence between them. Kyungsoo took small glances at Chanyeol, admiring how attractive the other looked under the lowlight, only the moon and a couple of street lamps lighting his features. It was quite amazing how easily they opened up to each other. Kyungsoo wasn’t the type to talk freely to people he just met, but he felt really comfortable with Chanyeol, enough to actually hold a steady conversation with the boy. They talked about their majors, both quite enthusiastic about their chosen fields. They even had a mini-debate on whether light was a particle or a wave (“It’s both,” they ended up agreeing in the end). Kyungsoo found out that Chanyeol also liked the same bands (“Oh god, you like The Cab too!”). They talked about anything and everything.
And it took a night of awkward jokes (“Chemistry jokes are boron; Physics jokes have more potential,”) and cheesy pick-up lines (“You might have strongly moving electric charges, because you’re quite attractive,”) for Kyungsoo to start falling.
Kyungsoo tried; he really did. But it wasn’t really difficult to fall for Chanyeol, when he’s funny, charming, and good looking. The more he tried to ignore the feeling, the more ways Chanyeol found to enter his well-locked and guarded heart. Chanyeol was very awkward, but that awkwardness made him more endearing. His deep voice was like a drug to Kyungsoo - the more he heard it, the more addicted he got. His smiles were enough for Kyungsoo to get through days of intense studying - memorizing the periodic table and balancing equations. When he got tired of the atoms and molecules, Chanyeol was there to take his mind away from the pressure. It was beautiful how their worlds matched. Chanyeol was a Physics major, and Kyungsoo found it amazing how their majors coexisted the way they did.
As a Chemistry major, Kyungsoo learned that Physics was very much related to his own field. They spent countless hours talking about atoms, quarks, fermions. They dissect the theories, question them and their existence. They talk about how Chemistry wouldn't exist without Physics and vice versa. It was a good distraction from the thoughts that plagued his mind late into the night.
But somehow his thoughts always lead to how Baekhyun must be feeling then. Then one day, Baekhyun introduced a Chinese exchange student to them as his boyfriend. And that somehow made it okay for Kyungsoo, thinking that maybe Baekhyun had truly moved on from Chanyeol.
But he’d always see hints of pain in Baekhyun’s eyes every time they’d go on double dates that Chanyeol would always initiate. And he’d also notice how much Chanyeol cared about Baekhyun. On time, during a soccer game in class, Baekhyun tripped and was knocked unconscious. Once Chanyeol heard about this, he rushed to the hospital that was three blocks away from their school, tripping over a lot of things and bumping people along the way. Kyungsoo followed him and saw the fear in his eyes while he looked at the frail body lying unconscious on the hospital bed. And that was also the first time Kyungsoo saw Chanyeol cry.
Maybe it was the fact that they’ve been friends since pre-school. Maybe it was because they grew up fighting the bullies and going through tough times together. Maybe it was because they practically experienced life together. But Kyungsoo knew it was so much more than that.
After their high school graduation, Baekhyun surprised them all by announcing that he was leaving for New York to try pursue a career in Broadway, something he had been planning ever since he was young. This left Chanyeol to Kyungsoo, something that tasted bittersweet in Kyungsoo’s mouth. It was true that at that point, he had fallen deeply in love with Chanyeol, but he just couldn’t push the feeling that he was being an inhibitor to a reaction that’s just waiting to happen.
But Chanyeol temporarily pushed all those feelings of guilt away, reminding Kyungsoo constantly how much he loved him. He understood Kyungsoo’s negative outlook on almost everything and was the constant ray of sunlight that brightened up Kyungsoo’s days. He embraced Kyungsoo’s insecurities and tried to make him forget about them.
But Kyungsoo noticed that when Baekhyun left, he took a part of Chanyeol with him. And when he came back, Chanyeol was whole again - something Kyungsoo couldn’t do even though he tried so hard to.
So when Chanyeol proposed to him in the middle of hallway where they first met, he had immediately thought of rejecting him. But the words got caught in his throat, and instead he nodded.
For that past 6 months, he was troubled. He didn’t want Chanyeol to marry him, then end up regretting it once he realizes that he made the wrong decision. And he didn’t want to carry for the rest of his life the insecurity of not being good enough for Chanyeol, for not being enough to make him happy.
So he makes the decision for both of them. He had to let Chanyeol go, even if he breaks the boy’s heart in the process.
Because he’d rather be that catalyst than the inhibitor. He’d rather be the one that quickens and allows the reaction to happen, because maybe that’s what he was really supposed to be.
~~~~~~~~~~
Kyungsoo drags himself from the restaurant, the one where they had their first date that ended up being their all-time favorite, back to his apartment. His heart feels lighter and heavier at the same time. He feels emotionally drained. He’s taken off the burden he’s been carrying on his shoulders for a couple of months, but it’s been replaced by a heavy feeling in his heart. He wills himself to think of the papers he has to grade, the exams he has to make. But his mind always reels to the pained look on Chanyeol’s face.
He laughs bitterly to himself, realizing that he ended a 4-year relationship, an engagement even, in less than five minutes. That had to be some sort of record. He laughs again when he realizes that he made the right decision of not moving in with Chanyeol. Saying then that the apartment he shared with Jongdae was nearer to the university where he taught in. That saved him the burden of moving out, but that didn’t mean that his room wasn’t filled of things that belonged to Chanyeol. Things that he has to return now that things are over.
He walks to the apartment and sees Jongdae splayed on the couch and mindlessly watching an old movie that Kyungsoo doesn’t even recognize.
“Oh, you’re back early! Oh god, don’t tell me-“
“Yes, I did. It’s- it’s done.”
And finally, Kyungsoo breaks down. The dam he’s built so well finally broke. Because even though he had been planning to break the relationship off for so long, the pain’s there. He loved him, so much that it actually hurt. Because for once, someone actually tried to get past his barriers. But he was selfish, because he wanted to get away from the guilt of taking away someone from a person who could love that someone much better than he could.
Jongdae holds him, tells him that it’s going to be okay, that things will fall into place somehow. He wants to believe Jongdae, but he just can’t because things have completely fallen apart. He feels stupid for crying because he chose this. He was the one who decided on breaking it up.
They stay silent, with Kyungsoo leaning on Jongdae’s shoulders. The silence breaks when someone rings their doorbell.
Jongdae takes the initiative and opens the door. From the couch, Kyungsoo could hear the familiar voice. He wipes away the tears and fixes himself.
“I don’t think he’d want to talk now,” he hears Jongdae say, but he interjects, “It’s okay, Dae. Let Baek in.”
The confusion on the boy’s face is the same one on Chanyeol’s face. He seems as if he wanted to ask so many things but chooses to keeps them to himself. Instead he stares at Kyungsoo, looking for an answer in the boy’s eyes.
But Baekhyun finally breaks the silence, “Why?”
“I had to,” Kyungsoo glances at his bare ring finger, “I don’t want him to marry the wrong person.”
“But you’re meant for him! He loves you, Soo! So much, and I don’t think he can take this!” Baekhyun pleads, taking Kyungsoo’s hand in both of his.
“No, Baek. He needs you, not me. Excuse me, I’m not feeling well.”
He leaves Baekhyun there, lost in his thoughts and emotions. And tries to sort out his own.
Pairing(s): Jongin/Kyungsoo, Chanyeol/Baekhyun, past!Chanyeol/Kyungsoo
Rating: PG-13
Genre: slight angst, romance
Summary: Kyungsoo thinks Chanyeol is blind for not seeing that it's Baekhyun, not him, who'll truly make him happy. And just when Kyungsoo thought he could be content with being alone, Jongin comes into his life and breaks his walls.
Note: first posted on AFF
He never thought silence could be that loud, but it is the best way to describe what was between them. The silence is louder than any of the words that they could say at that moment. So not a single word is uttered, because they can feel in the air the finality, they were done. A mix of confusion and hurt is the glaze the eyes of the man in front of him, to him though, everything is crystal clear. He thinks about all the things that transpired between them and realizes that this is where they were headed all along.
“Please don’t do this,” the man says, his voice shaking and his eyes pleading.
I won’t is what he wants to tell him. He wants to wipe off the tears that were forming in the other’s eyes. He wants to take back all the words he already said and assure the other that he was his. He wants to assure him that everything is and will be okay. But he can’t, because if he doesn’t do it now, he never will.
So instead he shakes his head, keeping a slight smile on his lips, “Can’t you see though? I’m not the person you need.”
Slowly, he takes off the circular piece of metal that has been burdening him for the past 6 months and places it firmly on the table, “Sorry, Yeol. You might not see it now, but someday you’ll thank me for this.”
The boy reaches across the table for his hands, his knuckles white because of how tight he was holding on to the edge, trying to find some sense in what was happening. But he immediately removes his hand from the grasp of the boy whose warmth and smile he’ll miss. His touches, his voice, and his laugh will forever haunt him in his sleep. The things that once were his reality are about to be the root of all his nightmare. But he thinks that maybe they weren’t meant for him in the first place.
He stands up from his seat with his head down and gives the boy he’s been in love with for the past 5 years one last glance, “Trust me, okay?”
The boy’s eyes weren’t on him as he leaves. Which probably is for the best, because he knows that if he sees the pain on the boy’s eyes, he would never end up leaving.
~~~~~~~~~~
Kyungsoo still remembers the first time he laid his eyes on Chanyeol. He clearly recalls how Chanyeol tripped on his shoelaces while walking towards Kyungsoo and Baekhyun, falling face first on the floor and picking himself up as if nothing had happened. His signature goofy and stupid smile plastered on his face when Baekhyun introduced him to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo knew even then, that his friend from the college choir was in love with his best friend. The way Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol was enough to conclude and confirm the feelings that Baekhyun haven’t even told him about.
Kyungsoo met Baekhyun at the start of their junior year. They were sitting beside each other in the choir room, both fidgeting nervously on their seats. Kyungsoo initially didn’t plan on auditioning for the school choir, but his best friend and roommate Jongdae, who was already a member, had been pestering him since sophomore year to do so. Kyungsoo kept on rejecting his offers saying that he doesn’t have as much training as Jongdae and the other choir members considering that all of them were music majors, and Kyungsoo was a Chemistry major. His professors taught him about elements and atoms, not about notes and beats. Jongdae dismissed his worries, saying that it didn’t matter whether he majored in music or not, because he was actually good, adding that he should at least put his talents to use. Kyungsoo relented, and there he was. He was absentmindedly biting his nails to the stub, when Baekhyun tapped his shoulder and asked what time it was. That sparked a conversation that took both their minds away from the impending audition. Baekhyun majored in music and is actually classmates with Jongdae as well. They both agreed that Jongdae is overbearing and nosy. Kyungsoo found out that Baekhyun had been planning to audition since freshman year, but he always missed the auditions because of very unfortunate events. They came out of the auditions with a weird friendship. Kyungsoo thought of it as something unstable and unsure, something that would be nurtured through time. And he was right, the friendship they had indeed stabled when both of them got into the choir.
If Kyungsoo were to be asked, he’d think Baekhyun was a masochist. He smiled at every single stupid thing Chanyeol did, but there’s an obvious glint of need, want, and pain in his eyes. And to prove Kyungsoo’s point, Baekhyun set them up on a date, saying that Chanyeol had the biggest crush on Kyungsoo. He initially wanted to decline, to find an excuse not to go out with the boy. But the pleading and kicked puppy look on Baekhyun’s face was enough to convince Kyungsoo for just one date.
Their first date was at a quaint Italian restaurant near the university. Chanyeol picked him up from his dorm room, wearing a red plaid polo and ripped jeans. He’s armed with a gift (which Kyungsoo opened when he got home; it was an atomic clock, one that he’s been coveting for a while already) and his charming smile. They walked to the restaurant, with a comfortable silence between them. Kyungsoo took small glances at Chanyeol, admiring how attractive the other looked under the lowlight, only the moon and a couple of street lamps lighting his features. It was quite amazing how easily they opened up to each other. Kyungsoo wasn’t the type to talk freely to people he just met, but he felt really comfortable with Chanyeol, enough to actually hold a steady conversation with the boy. They talked about their majors, both quite enthusiastic about their chosen fields. They even had a mini-debate on whether light was a particle or a wave (“It’s both,” they ended up agreeing in the end). Kyungsoo found out that Chanyeol also liked the same bands (“Oh god, you like The Cab too!”). They talked about anything and everything.
And it took a night of awkward jokes (“Chemistry jokes are boron; Physics jokes have more potential,”) and cheesy pick-up lines (“You might have strongly moving electric charges, because you’re quite attractive,”) for Kyungsoo to start falling.
Kyungsoo tried; he really did. But it wasn’t really difficult to fall for Chanyeol, when he’s funny, charming, and good looking. The more he tried to ignore the feeling, the more ways Chanyeol found to enter his well-locked and guarded heart. Chanyeol was very awkward, but that awkwardness made him more endearing. His deep voice was like a drug to Kyungsoo - the more he heard it, the more addicted he got. His smiles were enough for Kyungsoo to get through days of intense studying - memorizing the periodic table and balancing equations. When he got tired of the atoms and molecules, Chanyeol was there to take his mind away from the pressure. It was beautiful how their worlds matched. Chanyeol was a Physics major, and Kyungsoo found it amazing how their majors coexisted the way they did.
As a Chemistry major, Kyungsoo learned that Physics was very much related to his own field. They spent countless hours talking about atoms, quarks, fermions. They dissect the theories, question them and their existence. They talk about how Chemistry wouldn't exist without Physics and vice versa. It was a good distraction from the thoughts that plagued his mind late into the night.
But somehow his thoughts always lead to how Baekhyun must be feeling then. Then one day, Baekhyun introduced a Chinese exchange student to them as his boyfriend. And that somehow made it okay for Kyungsoo, thinking that maybe Baekhyun had truly moved on from Chanyeol.
But he’d always see hints of pain in Baekhyun’s eyes every time they’d go on double dates that Chanyeol would always initiate. And he’d also notice how much Chanyeol cared about Baekhyun. On time, during a soccer game in class, Baekhyun tripped and was knocked unconscious. Once Chanyeol heard about this, he rushed to the hospital that was three blocks away from their school, tripping over a lot of things and bumping people along the way. Kyungsoo followed him and saw the fear in his eyes while he looked at the frail body lying unconscious on the hospital bed. And that was also the first time Kyungsoo saw Chanyeol cry.
Maybe it was the fact that they’ve been friends since pre-school. Maybe it was because they grew up fighting the bullies and going through tough times together. Maybe it was because they practically experienced life together. But Kyungsoo knew it was so much more than that.
After their high school graduation, Baekhyun surprised them all by announcing that he was leaving for New York to try pursue a career in Broadway, something he had been planning ever since he was young. This left Chanyeol to Kyungsoo, something that tasted bittersweet in Kyungsoo’s mouth. It was true that at that point, he had fallen deeply in love with Chanyeol, but he just couldn’t push the feeling that he was being an inhibitor to a reaction that’s just waiting to happen.
But Chanyeol temporarily pushed all those feelings of guilt away, reminding Kyungsoo constantly how much he loved him. He understood Kyungsoo’s negative outlook on almost everything and was the constant ray of sunlight that brightened up Kyungsoo’s days. He embraced Kyungsoo’s insecurities and tried to make him forget about them.
But Kyungsoo noticed that when Baekhyun left, he took a part of Chanyeol with him. And when he came back, Chanyeol was whole again - something Kyungsoo couldn’t do even though he tried so hard to.
So when Chanyeol proposed to him in the middle of hallway where they first met, he had immediately thought of rejecting him. But the words got caught in his throat, and instead he nodded.
For that past 6 months, he was troubled. He didn’t want Chanyeol to marry him, then end up regretting it once he realizes that he made the wrong decision. And he didn’t want to carry for the rest of his life the insecurity of not being good enough for Chanyeol, for not being enough to make him happy.
So he makes the decision for both of them. He had to let Chanyeol go, even if he breaks the boy’s heart in the process.
Because he’d rather be that catalyst than the inhibitor. He’d rather be the one that quickens and allows the reaction to happen, because maybe that’s what he was really supposed to be.
~~~~~~~~~~
Kyungsoo drags himself from the restaurant, the one where they had their first date that ended up being their all-time favorite, back to his apartment. His heart feels lighter and heavier at the same time. He feels emotionally drained. He’s taken off the burden he’s been carrying on his shoulders for a couple of months, but it’s been replaced by a heavy feeling in his heart. He wills himself to think of the papers he has to grade, the exams he has to make. But his mind always reels to the pained look on Chanyeol’s face.
He laughs bitterly to himself, realizing that he ended a 4-year relationship, an engagement even, in less than five minutes. That had to be some sort of record. He laughs again when he realizes that he made the right decision of not moving in with Chanyeol. Saying then that the apartment he shared with Jongdae was nearer to the university where he taught in. That saved him the burden of moving out, but that didn’t mean that his room wasn’t filled of things that belonged to Chanyeol. Things that he has to return now that things are over.
He walks to the apartment and sees Jongdae splayed on the couch and mindlessly watching an old movie that Kyungsoo doesn’t even recognize.
“Oh, you’re back early! Oh god, don’t tell me-“
“Yes, I did. It’s- it’s done.”
And finally, Kyungsoo breaks down. The dam he’s built so well finally broke. Because even though he had been planning to break the relationship off for so long, the pain’s there. He loved him, so much that it actually hurt. Because for once, someone actually tried to get past his barriers. But he was selfish, because he wanted to get away from the guilt of taking away someone from a person who could love that someone much better than he could.
Jongdae holds him, tells him that it’s going to be okay, that things will fall into place somehow. He wants to believe Jongdae, but he just can’t because things have completely fallen apart. He feels stupid for crying because he chose this. He was the one who decided on breaking it up.
They stay silent, with Kyungsoo leaning on Jongdae’s shoulders. The silence breaks when someone rings their doorbell.
Jongdae takes the initiative and opens the door. From the couch, Kyungsoo could hear the familiar voice. He wipes away the tears and fixes himself.
“I don’t think he’d want to talk now,” he hears Jongdae say, but he interjects, “It’s okay, Dae. Let Baek in.”
The confusion on the boy’s face is the same one on Chanyeol’s face. He seems as if he wanted to ask so many things but chooses to keeps them to himself. Instead he stares at Kyungsoo, looking for an answer in the boy’s eyes.
But Baekhyun finally breaks the silence, “Why?”
“I had to,” Kyungsoo glances at his bare ring finger, “I don’t want him to marry the wrong person.”
“But you’re meant for him! He loves you, Soo! So much, and I don’t think he can take this!” Baekhyun pleads, taking Kyungsoo’s hand in both of his.
“No, Baek. He needs you, not me. Excuse me, I’m not feeling well.”
He leaves Baekhyun there, lost in his thoughts and emotions. And tries to sort out his own.