(no subject)
i'm having such an off weekend. I feel like I'm trapped inside my own head. i feel withdrawn and detached from people and it hasn't gone unnoticed. this morning i overheard (and yeah i proceeded to eavesdrop as i do) a conversation logan and jamie were having about me. about me seeming distant and withdrawn and how much of a tease i was being to logan, but how much i didn't want to receive the reciprocation. i'm experiencing a complete lack of interest in guys and it feels just like a phase, like i'll be back to normal in a week... at least that's what jamie said. i feel like things can't be normal, and i don't know why. something is eating me from the inside out, and i can't figure out what it is. i'm still crazy about karen, so maybe i'm just thinking more than usual about that... not that there is a "more than usual" because i always think about her all the time. i guess i just shove thoughts of her out of my head when i'm being affectionate with someone else. i feel vaguely like i'm cheating, and i know i shouldn't feel that way. they're just feelings, though. feelings are there for a reason so why are they there? what is my mind trying to tell me?! i need a sign.
i don't want to be touched at all, but i don't think that's the case with everyone. just... logan and the one or two other people i was involved with. jamie touches me and everything is okay. not sexually, just touching my hair or my hand or whatever. i just feel gay, i guess. i'm not about to say i woke up and suddenly i was gay, but i'm having an identity crisis. i've always loved women, i can't ever deny that. but this feeling of being completely disinterested and unattracted to the men in my life is not usual, that's not normal. i just want to feel normal. i want to stay in love with karen forever and our book was left open, and i don't know whether to keep on reading, or close the book and come back to it later. maybe i'm afraid that if i close it, i won't be able to come back to it, or she won't want to. so it's just sitting there, gathering dust while i'm out gaining the experiences i need for life, and when i'm ready to come back to her i will. i just need to know she feels the same way. i'm sure she's happy, and i'm not going to pity myself and say, "oh, she's happier without me, she'll be better off without me." because i'm sure she misses me as much as i miss her. i'm sure she still cries every once in a while, and little things in life still remind her of me, like alice in wonderland and bands i introduced to her. is it constant, or does it come in waves? i feel waves, but i also feel a tiny, constant ebbing flow, like a riptide underneath all the big waves. i feel lost, detached, withdrawn, disconnected. and yeah those are all "the signs" of a person with suicidal tendencies, but i really don't want to die. sometimes i think about dying, but i think that's fairly normal. i just want to tell her that i don't want to die anymore. i want to stay alive with her, i want to be with her in every meaning of the word "be." i want to give everything to her, and i feel like i can't focus on that with other people in my life. i thought i could do it, but i don't think i can anymore. at least with guys... maybe i could just focus on women, not that that would probably make any difference in how i feel. maybe i just need to be alone for a while. maybe everything really will be better in a week. i'll carry on like normal, and time will keep on flying right over my head as i watch it go.
i don't want to be touched at all, but i don't think that's the case with everyone. just... logan and the one or two other people i was involved with. jamie touches me and everything is okay. not sexually, just touching my hair or my hand or whatever. i just feel gay, i guess. i'm not about to say i woke up and suddenly i was gay, but i'm having an identity crisis. i've always loved women, i can't ever deny that. but this feeling of being completely disinterested and unattracted to the men in my life is not usual, that's not normal. i just want to feel normal. i want to stay in love with karen forever and our book was left open, and i don't know whether to keep on reading, or close the book and come back to it later. maybe i'm afraid that if i close it, i won't be able to come back to it, or she won't want to. so it's just sitting there, gathering dust while i'm out gaining the experiences i need for life, and when i'm ready to come back to her i will. i just need to know she feels the same way. i'm sure she's happy, and i'm not going to pity myself and say, "oh, she's happier without me, she'll be better off without me." because i'm sure she misses me as much as i miss her. i'm sure she still cries every once in a while, and little things in life still remind her of me, like alice in wonderland and bands i introduced to her. is it constant, or does it come in waves? i feel waves, but i also feel a tiny, constant ebbing flow, like a riptide underneath all the big waves. i feel lost, detached, withdrawn, disconnected. and yeah those are all "the signs" of a person with suicidal tendencies, but i really don't want to die. sometimes i think about dying, but i think that's fairly normal. i just want to tell her that i don't want to die anymore. i want to stay alive with her, i want to be with her in every meaning of the word "be." i want to give everything to her, and i feel like i can't focus on that with other people in my life. i thought i could do it, but i don't think i can anymore. at least with guys... maybe i could just focus on women, not that that would probably make any difference in how i feel. maybe i just need to be alone for a while. maybe everything really will be better in a week. i'll carry on like normal, and time will keep on flying right over my head as i watch it go.