(no subject)
I was just fucking around on Tumblr and I came across this, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's been in the back of my head but I've been turning a blind eye for a long time. I wasn't trying to ignore it, or forget about it. I was just trying to make it come slowly, in pieces, so it doesn't become overwhelming.
The picture... I know this all too well. I'm really not one to regret anything... I've always believed my actions and words to be part of some big fucking plan, some picture bigger than life, bigger than God, even.
But I wish I could just take back my words. It was supposed to be different. I can hear what I said every time I speak, and it's festering inside of me.
I feel like a piece of Dali art sometimes. Just an unrecognizable concoction of emotions painted at random on a blank slate, but (seemingly) no real meaning. Or maybe a thousand different meanings, I just don't know what's real, or what's perceived, or what's complete bullshit I'm telling myself over and over.
I FEEL so much and SAY so many things, but my actions are nothing. I am a talking head. I feel... embarrassed, regretful, guilty, shame, worthlessness, withdrawn. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle. The pieces look so familiar; I KNOW they're part of the bigger picture and I know to put the edges and corners in first, but the middle part, the most important part, is just fragmented and confusing.
I know where I want to go with my life, I know a little bit about who I am. I know how to describe myself in a job interview without completely lying. I have words, to describe myself with. I have the words I tell myself to get through each day. I just feel like I'm missing something. As Louis said in Interview with a Vampire... "You lack the courage of your convictions!"
There's just so much hurt, and I've been dealing with it instead of ignoring it like a lot of people in mourning do. The pain comes in waves; really big fucking waves. I guess it just takes time. I always claim to be some patient goddess. But I hate waiting. I feel like I'm wasting my life, day by day. I have no job, I'm not going to school, there's nothing to clean. I've been working out and walking the dog and reading, but other than that I feel like I'm fucking retired or something. I'm 20 years old and I'm sitting on the couch.
Aside from that, my mom started drinking again and I don't know how I feel about that because she's funny when she's drunk and I took some of her vodka last night.
My would-be roommate lost his job, so I'm a little nervous that I won't find a roommate by the time my dad leaves and I'll have to pay the mortgage by myself. He said he would take care of some of the expenses, which is a relief. It will be fine. I've just never managed a house on my own, and I'm nervous and excited. Mostly excited, though.
That's all for now, folks.