(no subject)
I had sworn to myself that I would have my post finished by 9:30 so I could go to bed early tonight. But here it is already past that time and I've found myself staring at this page with a bad case of writers block. What do I write about? I don't know.
How do I feel today? Numb and overflowing with emotion at the same time.....is that possible? I feel almost as though two side of me are warring. One side wants me to feel nothing, because if you feel nothing, the pain can't get you. The other side wants me to feel everything, to allow the pain, the anger, the hurt, the sorrow, the joy, the peace, the calm, the emotions that flow over me all at once. To feel is to be alive, but is it worth it?
That's something I've yet to decide. I used to thrive on emotion, I loved to feel. And now, it seems the older I get, the more I fear emotion. Maybe because my feelings run deeper now than they did back then, when I was younger and more naive, and the sorrow and joy I'm capable of feeling now were unfathomable back then. It was good to feel these things because they didn't hit the heart, mind, and soul as hard as they do now.
And I almost feel like I'm grasping at straws, attempting to get a handle on one emotion and stick with it instead of being happy one minute, sad the next, angry after that.
I doubt this is making much sense. I'm having trouble trying to find the words I want to say. Nothing seems right no matter how I try to describe what I'm feeling. So I'll give up on trying for now.
I'm going to take a page from Kima's book and put a poem in here:
Vague longings never set a heart on fire
It's never enough to permit divulgence
Of what swims just beneath the surface
These wounds bleed, harsh and heavy
But they lie covered and festering
They never really look
In this mindless madness
A heart still aches
Trembling, shivering, encased in ice
Burn, break this wall
What lies behind closed doors
It is only for those who seek
That about sums it up for me right now. I'm going to bed.
How do I feel today? Numb and overflowing with emotion at the same time.....is that possible? I feel almost as though two side of me are warring. One side wants me to feel nothing, because if you feel nothing, the pain can't get you. The other side wants me to feel everything, to allow the pain, the anger, the hurt, the sorrow, the joy, the peace, the calm, the emotions that flow over me all at once. To feel is to be alive, but is it worth it?
That's something I've yet to decide. I used to thrive on emotion, I loved to feel. And now, it seems the older I get, the more I fear emotion. Maybe because my feelings run deeper now than they did back then, when I was younger and more naive, and the sorrow and joy I'm capable of feeling now were unfathomable back then. It was good to feel these things because they didn't hit the heart, mind, and soul as hard as they do now.
And I almost feel like I'm grasping at straws, attempting to get a handle on one emotion and stick with it instead of being happy one minute, sad the next, angry after that.
I doubt this is making much sense. I'm having trouble trying to find the words I want to say. Nothing seems right no matter how I try to describe what I'm feeling. So I'll give up on trying for now.
I'm going to take a page from Kima's book and put a poem in here:
Vague longings never set a heart on fire
It's never enough to permit divulgence
Of what swims just beneath the surface
These wounds bleed, harsh and heavy
But they lie covered and festering
They never really look
In this mindless madness
A heart still aches
Trembling, shivering, encased in ice
Burn, break this wall
What lies behind closed doors
It is only for those who seek
That about sums it up for me right now. I'm going to bed.