Feelings?
I've been unintentionally off my anti-depressants for a little over a month now (I'm pretty sure) and I've been just an emotional wreck for that period of time.
Being crazy (or just feeling like it) lends a bit of time for insight. Trying to figure out what makes me crazy, how to stop myself from being crazy...etc. And I don't know much about chemical imbalances...nature vs nurture...whatever. All I know is there's some switch in some people's brains that makes them apparently incapable of rational normal relationships (be it friends or partners), and conversations. Most days I don't feel like I am a part of this circle...but some days (like today) I do.
And I know it's not right, but there's this voice in my head telling me I don't deserve to be happy. Like all the people all my life have been telling me that very thing (some of them more bluntly than others) and I just haven't been listening.
The thing about it is, I am happy. I've got someone wonderful in my life who makes me feel like I am worthwhile. I've got friends who care about me at least enough to send me an occasional email to check in (no, that wasn't a dig on anyone, I'm actually being sincere and I appreciate anyone and everyone who fits into the category of friend), I've got family who loves me (in their own mental way), and I don't know what else I could possibly need.
Perhaps it's that I'm spending too much time trying to make others happy. Perhaps it's that I've spend my entire life wrapped up and absorbed in what other people feel. Perhaps it's that it's 2am and I'm sitting here pondering the meaning of fucking life and all I need to do is go to bed.
I don't have all the answers. I don't know who does, but if you know them can you have them call me? :)
Being crazy (or just feeling like it) lends a bit of time for insight. Trying to figure out what makes me crazy, how to stop myself from being crazy...etc. And I don't know much about chemical imbalances...nature vs nurture...whatever. All I know is there's some switch in some people's brains that makes them apparently incapable of rational normal relationships (be it friends or partners), and conversations. Most days I don't feel like I am a part of this circle...but some days (like today) I do.
And I know it's not right, but there's this voice in my head telling me I don't deserve to be happy. Like all the people all my life have been telling me that very thing (some of them more bluntly than others) and I just haven't been listening.
The thing about it is, I am happy. I've got someone wonderful in my life who makes me feel like I am worthwhile. I've got friends who care about me at least enough to send me an occasional email to check in (no, that wasn't a dig on anyone, I'm actually being sincere and I appreciate anyone and everyone who fits into the category of friend), I've got family who loves me (in their own mental way), and I don't know what else I could possibly need.
Perhaps it's that I'm spending too much time trying to make others happy. Perhaps it's that I've spend my entire life wrapped up and absorbed in what other people feel. Perhaps it's that it's 2am and I'm sitting here pondering the meaning of fucking life and all I need to do is go to bed.
I don't have all the answers. I don't know who does, but if you know them can you have them call me? :)