(no subject)
The letter I don't think I will ever send:
Can you honestly tell me that when you look in my eyes, you feel nothing? Because if you can say those words to me, I will walk away and never bother you again. But if you cannot, if you feel even the slightest tug at your heart that says "this girl is special", then I can't be all wrong in thinking that maybe, just maybe, there is something. I feel like some part of you is hesitating for a moment and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means that you feel something too. But maybe I’m crazy. I mean, unlike you, I don’t want to forget about us… and maybe that’s my problem. We were "just friends" from the beginning according to you. No, we did have something. But sometimes things don’t work out; I personally just think you're afraid… or you were afraid. You knew you felt something for me and I don’t think you could handle it, being the independent boy that you are. I don’t fit into the big picture and your priorities, and you don’t know how to deal with unexpected things, no matter how great they might be.
I think you're just so afraid to continue what we have. You know something's there. You feel just as much as I do when you touch me. You like it as just much as I do when you kiss me. It's just you're pulling away now because you know that if you don't pull away soon, you might find yourself wanting more, and I don't think you're prepared for that.
At the end of the school year, for the first time ever, I could tell you knew I was thinking about you and I knew you didn't mind. Stupid you, you gave me a little more hope. Maybe this summer, I’ll get over you, because then I won’t have to see you everyday. But then I think, just because I won’t see you doesn’t mean I won’t think of you. Because even when I don’t see you, you cross my mind. The truth of the matter is, I still have feelings for you. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off with out you, a part of me doesn’t want to let go. And when I said goodbye that last day, I didn't really intend to hug you that long, but then again, I wasn't the only one holding on.
Have you ever really thought about it? You’ve got this girl who feels something for you. But for some reason, you don’t want to see that. You know it’s there and you know that you might feel the same way. But you refuse to let it be. Maybe you’re scared. Maybe you’re scared of the thought that this girl- you’ve seen her happy, you’ve seen her sad - maybe this girl really is something.
You can never know what it is I feel or what it is I think. It would do no good to tell you because it would not change how things are or how things will be. But I know that deep down, you do know. And I let things happen between us because I wanted them to happen. But the problem with doing that is now I want it to happen again. And I know you said you have a big picture in mind and I don’t fit into it, and I hate you so much for it. That last day, I wanted to hug you, but at the same time I wanted to slap you and punch you and hurt you. Because when you say things like that, it makes me wonder why you let certain things happen between us. Maybe you only want me when you can’t have me because I’m leaving or because you feel me drifting away. Or maybe you only want me when you want something.
And you know, I am perfectly happy being your friend. In fact, I love it. I just have this incredible urge to kiss you that doesn't go away, which is annoying. But then I think, you're not my friend. In my opinion, friends don't look at each other like we do. So just let me ask you something...if we were in a room together, just the two of us, and I happened to walk out of the room and never come back and just forget everything and leave it all behind, would you be okay with that? All I need to know is, am I something you'll be missing?