well well well
i havent updated here in a long ass time. i guess it was just me avoiding my own feelings. i have so much on my mind right now. i am so confused about life and death and the afterlife. this week has been sad with my grandmas funeral and all. i feel like such an ass because my mom kept telling me to go see her in the hospital. and i didnt. even tho i had the time to. i will always hate myself for this. me and chris watched the movie white noise the other day. and it got me thinking about that shit. research is always good. my grandpa is the sweetest thing. he kept us smiling thru the whole funeral. me and my sister wanted to punch the pastor. all he did was talk about sinning. well fuck you. death is never fun. my grandma was afraid of dying. i dont think i am. not at the moment at least. something along the lines of..... if u think about it, living is the hard part. dying is the easy part. it makes sense. ask some suicidal person. they want the easy way out (death). so u really shouldnt be afraid. life is hard. for some its harder than others. just trying to find your place, and where you belong. its a mess. and then there is love. what is love? fuck if i know. but i do know it feels good to have someone who wants what i want. chris makes me feel beautiful. special. wanted. appreciated. grateful. lucky. happy. i love the way he looks at me. the way he holds me. so yea. i like him. i feel like a different person around him. damn this shit sounds so cheesy! but i cant keep everything bottled up inside. there are some things about chris tho. he needs to get a job and another car. hes trying to get his shit together. interviews with colleges and whatnot. but dont u hate how that first love burns in the back of your mind? my heart drops still when i hear his name. what a fucking dick. i hate how he had so much control over me and didnt even know it. or maybe he did. but things are different now. so soo different. and better i would say. i am being treated right for once. i should get to bed. its about 4:15 am. and i get to go to the V doc tomorrow! wee! party in my pants! im out. peace kids