Help me by helping yourself.
I recently took a temp job delivering phone books. In this economy, I thought handing out free stuff would be easy. Free samples are easy. Free pens are easy. Free 400+ page books? Surprisingly difficult. Why is this? Phone books offer many uses that should not be overlooked during this time of penny pinching.
I've heard many complaints about the sudden rise in natural gas prices. Well, given a fireplace and about 100 free phone books, you can keep warm all winter with no cost to you. For those without a fireplace, simply rip the pages from the free phone books, wad them up and stuff them under your winter coat or between blankets for added insulation. Phone books also work to winterize your home, just cover your skylight or drafty window with lots of pages to prevent the escape of infrared radiation. Soon you'll find yourself saying “No!” to Cascade Natural Gas and “Yes!” to me when I come by with free phone books just in time for winter.
And heating isn't the only utility bill phone books can save you from. Modern cooking appliances all use electricity, and the bill can hang over your head when you think of making dinner. Not so with free phone books! Free phone books have built-in combustible properties comparable to propane, and put out heat comparable to electric ranges. Just fill the bottom of your barbecue with half a phone book, and use the heat from its flaming pages to cook your meals for you. Now, when I show up at your door with a car full of free phone books, you can tell the family to get the spit ready in the front yard.
Another issue in today's world is holiday shopping. We struggle to afford wrapped gifts to all our loved ones. Let free phone books help you out. Instead of spending lots of money getting your gifts wrapped, just use the pages from free phone books. With white AND yellow pages to choose from, a gift can be wrapped with patterns and designs just as aesthetically pleasing as expensive wrapping paper with none of the cost! Now the only time you won't be happy to see me knocking is when I tell you I won't wrap your gifts for you.
Phone books: they are made from one part paper, one part information, and one part FREE. They can be used as a substitute for exercise weights, doorstops, paperweights, coloring books, art supplies and countless others that normally cost money. So instead of turning me away when I come by to ask you how many phone books you'd like, please help me to help you by helping yourself out to as many as I got.