There's nothing here to hold on to
Well, we're a week into the school year, so it's time to start complaining about my life in LJ again.
But seriously.
I seem to be having emotional meltdowns at an alarming rate. My life is becoming a constant struggle against myself. It's more of the usual, you know I always get like this, but the decrease in functionality that goes along with it seems to be a bit intensified. My classes are completely over my head, and thus far I've been unable to care. I have an exam on Friday and I have yet to actually listen in class or attempt to learn what he's been teaching. I've done a minimal amount of work for some other classes. But take tonight as an example. I've been sitting in this chair, staring somewhere above my computer screen and slowly swiveling the chair back and forth, for quite some time now. Prior to that, I was curled up on my floor crying quietly and trying to figure out what's happened to me. I have unfinished lab worksheets that I don't understand spread out on my desk. There are unread textbooks on my floor, open to the chapters that I am supposed to know. They are there, right in front of me, and they need to be done. I know they need to be done. But I don't care.
Why? Maybe because I really want to be involved in music promotion and photography.
No, I won't drop out of pharmacy school.
I'm too realistic to think I could actually make it in a different profession like that.
Because I do want to be a pharmacist. Most definitely.
But my heart isn't in it right now.
It will be. Just not now.
Actually, I think the apathy comes from my stubborn refusal to accept reality. My amazing summer is over, where I barely gave a second thought to my future and focused on enjoying the present. However, I am now back in school and everything I do may have some impact on my future, and I am incapable of switching back to that mentality.
I'm not even going to go into the (lack of) relationship aspect of things, because that one just hurts too much to talk about. In brief, I'm still not over one, and another doesn't give me a second thought. I always get passed over. Well, okay. I always get passed over by the ones I actually want. I'm not good enough for any of them, apparently.
I guess I don't blame them. Who'd want to deal with me?
No one in their right mind would.
I'm drowning.
And I'm not even trying to swim.
How very Meredith Grey of me.
But seriously.
I seem to be having emotional meltdowns at an alarming rate. My life is becoming a constant struggle against myself. It's more of the usual, you know I always get like this, but the decrease in functionality that goes along with it seems to be a bit intensified. My classes are completely over my head, and thus far I've been unable to care. I have an exam on Friday and I have yet to actually listen in class or attempt to learn what he's been teaching. I've done a minimal amount of work for some other classes. But take tonight as an example. I've been sitting in this chair, staring somewhere above my computer screen and slowly swiveling the chair back and forth, for quite some time now. Prior to that, I was curled up on my floor crying quietly and trying to figure out what's happened to me. I have unfinished lab worksheets that I don't understand spread out on my desk. There are unread textbooks on my floor, open to the chapters that I am supposed to know. They are there, right in front of me, and they need to be done. I know they need to be done. But I don't care.
Why? Maybe because I really want to be involved in music promotion and photography.
No, I won't drop out of pharmacy school.
I'm too realistic to think I could actually make it in a different profession like that.
Because I do want to be a pharmacist. Most definitely.
But my heart isn't in it right now.
It will be. Just not now.
Actually, I think the apathy comes from my stubborn refusal to accept reality. My amazing summer is over, where I barely gave a second thought to my future and focused on enjoying the present. However, I am now back in school and everything I do may have some impact on my future, and I am incapable of switching back to that mentality.
I'm not even going to go into the (lack of) relationship aspect of things, because that one just hurts too much to talk about. In brief, I'm still not over one, and another doesn't give me a second thought. I always get passed over. Well, okay. I always get passed over by the ones I actually want. I'm not good enough for any of them, apparently.
I guess I don't blame them. Who'd want to deal with me?
No one in their right mind would.
I'm drowning.
And I'm not even trying to swim.
How very Meredith Grey of me.