(no subject)
I can;t sleep anymore. I lie awake at night for hours, tossing and turning, thinking about the past. I don't know why but lately I've been thinking so much about all of my past choices, past mistakes. Everything that I've done in the past few years of high school have been coming back to me. There are SO many exciting things to look forward to coming up. But as of right now, there is absoluetly nothing going on with me and there hasn't been for as long as I can remember. I used to be the girl that had drama, situations, exciting things happening to her. And now, now I'm just totally bored and frustrated. Everything's fine, everything's good. . . but nothing's happening. I feel like I ruin relationships really easily and throughout the course of high school I've ruined too many. When senior year came and nothing was really happening for me, I accepted it. I decided I'd forget about it all and just wait til college when I could live it up. And sure that's still my plan, but now that I'm in these last few months of high school EVER, i find myself looking anywhere for something to happen. Because after all, if I want something to happen during high school, I only have two months left. I find my mind wandering back a lot lately too. To all of the things I did wrong, every choice and decision. And i can't help but think of all of the ways that I could've done things. That i probably could've saved a couple of the relationships that fell apart. I miss being the girl that had options, made mistakes. Cause at least when you're making mistakes you know you're living. I mean, I'm proud of how far I've come with all of my lesson-learning. i really have grown so much in the past few years. But now I kinda find myself boring. As much as I dont wanna be a stupid girl again, I sort of miss the days when making mistakes was okay. When I was more willing to live. Now I just feel like I'm not living, I feel like I'm affecting no ones lives, touching no one. I feel very lost and disconnected almost. The last time I felt this way was beg. of sophomore year when I was so depressed, bored, and anxious for something to happen to me. And I feel that way now, except this time it's worse because I only have 2 months left here. I don't want this to be how it ends between us. It can't be. After everything we've been through, I sort of always assumed it would end in a better way. And now that time is almost running out, I'm getting scared that I may have to settle with an ending I never expected or wanted. I already have to accept a prom that won;t be how I EVER imagined. whatever. I feel sort of guilty for some of the things I've done, angry at myself for allowing people to slip away.
I just can;t stop thinking about certain people/relationships/events&choices in my life. I;ve been through so much with certain people and my relationships with them have changed so much over the couple years. And I just hate how a lot of them ended up/are right now. I never expected a lot of things to turn out like this and I don't like a lot of it. I think back on the girl I used to be at diff points in my life and I wonder what happened to that girl and how I get her back. I feel like I'm trying really hard to make sence out of the past few years in my life, before they're over and I'm starting fresh. But i shouldn't be focusing on the past, i should be focusing on my exciting future. And I am SO excited. But the excitement isn't what's keeping me up all night. It's the unsettling feeling of all that I've done/maybe won't get to do/shouldn't have done/never did/wish I'd done differently. I feel like I'm being haunted. Haunted by my past relationships/people/events/choices/decisions/mistakes. And mostly haunted by my past self.
This is such a weird time. I'm stuck in between dying to get out of here/wanting to experience all of the amazing things coming up AND reflecting on the past few years/hoping that time doesn't run out before I'm able to do all the things I wanted to do. I just rambled a lot. Most of it barely made sence. I don;t even know what I;m saying. But I can't sleep again, so I had to put it all down somewhere.
I just can;t stop thinking about certain people/relationships/events&choices in my life. I;ve been through so much with certain people and my relationships with them have changed so much over the couple years. And I just hate how a lot of them ended up/are right now. I never expected a lot of things to turn out like this and I don't like a lot of it. I think back on the girl I used to be at diff points in my life and I wonder what happened to that girl and how I get her back. I feel like I'm trying really hard to make sence out of the past few years in my life, before they're over and I'm starting fresh. But i shouldn't be focusing on the past, i should be focusing on my exciting future. And I am SO excited. But the excitement isn't what's keeping me up all night. It's the unsettling feeling of all that I've done/maybe won't get to do/shouldn't have done/never did/wish I'd done differently. I feel like I'm being haunted. Haunted by my past relationships/people/events/choices/decisions/mistakes. And mostly haunted by my past self.
This is such a weird time. I'm stuck in between dying to get out of here/wanting to experience all of the amazing things coming up AND reflecting on the past few years/hoping that time doesn't run out before I'm able to do all the things I wanted to do. I just rambled a lot. Most of it barely made sence. I don;t even know what I;m saying. But I can't sleep again, so I had to put it all down somewhere.