Sneak thiefs and bastardy
Yo, what up squares? Everything swell, everything awesome? Cool.
So! I caught some rat bastard trying to shop lift from the shop I work at! And you know what he was trying to nick, don't you? Damned jeans of course! It's always the damned jeans.
See what he did, this here 'criminal mastermind', was he was standing in the girls clothes section and he reached through to the guys rack, pulled a pair of jeans through and folded them up and put them in his bag WHILE FACING THE SECURITY CAMERA! What a douche! Here, I'll draw you a map to better understand this guy's supreme idiocy:
Please excuse my dreadful abilities. He was standing where them there chairs for people who get tired are, facing away from me (and toward the nifty little camera). See we get a bit of this (only every couple of months or so, pretty good really!) people always try and sneak around and squirrel things into their bags in that corner, because if it weren't for the camera, it'd be a real blind spot for us.
Anyway! So I watch this guy perform his dastardly cunning scheme to screw over the second hand clothing store (I mean, come on! Damn pricks!) and as sneaky as sneak I creep over and say nice and loudly, "Can I help you sir?"
He jumps the jump of the guilty. Ha ha! "What? No."
"I wondered if you wouldn't mind if I checked your bag." It is not a request.
"It's 'cause I'm a black fella, isn't it?" He asks, outraged. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this guy was aboriginal. Well he was, but that's not why I was watching him. I was watching him because he didn't meet my eyes or reply when I greeted him upon his entering the shop, even though I know he heard me. (Bastards! I am a human being!) I was also watching him because it's my fucking job, I watch everyone and after five or six years in the same place I've gotten damned good at it. You'd never even know I was watching you. *cues spooky music*
"Actually," I reply, "It's because I saw you take a pair of jeans from that rack (I point to the rack in question) fold them up and put them in your bag. Now if you don't mind, I'd like them back now please."
He looks a bit embarrassed and gives them up without further complaints. I take the jeans and step aside (as I was blocking his exit). As he leaves I call out, "Oh, and I'd really appreciate it if you never come back. If you do, I may just have to call the police. Have a nice day!" I do so adore speaking as formally as I can to the scum of the earth (read: shop lifters).
I should probably become a security guard or something, I fucking love busting shop lifters. It gives me such a rush! And I'm pretty good at it too I think! I've not been stabbed yet, I always take a precaution to this, standing about a metre away so that I'd hopefully be able to dodge them if they tried anything nasty. But holy crap! What an arsehole! Playing the race card? Pu-lease! Arsehat. Oh oh! And he was probably mid 30s. You'd think he'd be a bit old for these kinds of shenanigans by now. But it always seems to be about this age group that does the stealing (and people that I'm pretty sure are messed up on drugs). Maybe they are trying to relive their lost youth? Whatever, just don't do it in my shop. I tend to take it personally.
But the thing I don't get at all is that they all try and steal like this. It doesn't work folks, all this sneaking around and trying to be clever, pure foolishness! I'll tell you how to do it. Yes, that's right. I am going to tell you how to shop lift. Just don't do it in my fucking shop!
How To Shop Lift (or, How To Be A Fucking Arsehole) in 7 Easy Steps.
Now, keep in mind that this will not work in a mall. Only in shops off the street or off pedestrian malls (street is best). Low foot traffic is a good idea too.
Step 1. Pick your target. It is best if it is often maintained by one person at a time.* If the clerk is a young, fit looking fellow, move on. Pick another target. If the clerk is a bit round about the middle, older, or is a woman; then you are good to go.
* This is most common in shops that are not chain stores, but rather run by decent folk trying to make an honest living. They are often not pulling much cash and therefore, they can not afford to hire more than one person at a time. If you steel from a shop such as this, you can be confident that you are indeed a fucking arsehole.
Step 2. Scoping out your target is not necessary. You do not need to know whether they have a panic button, cameras, or other security devices. (Though a thought occurs, don't try this in America. You may just get shot for your troubles.)
Step 3. Get yourself a good pair of running shoes.
Step 4. Enter your targeted store. If other customers are present, forget it. If not, proceed.
Step 5. If you plan to take your time selecting the item or items you wish to steal, be polite and friendly to the clerk, greet them if they greet you, but take care not to go overboard. You do not want to stand out from the crowd. Keep in mind that your average customer is cordial at the most, aim to be that average customer. However, I would advise against taking your time. If they have a security device it may be recording you. You do not want this.
Step 6. Grab what you want and leg it. Run as fast as you fucking can, take a few side streets. Trust me, they will not come after you. Especially if you have carefully selected your target so as there is to be only one clerk present. I mean, like horse shit I'm going to take the trouble to grab my keys, lock the door and chase after you. By the time I've dug the keys from my bag you'll be long gone. Besides, I'm a girl. I don't ever wear runners.
Step 7. NEVER RETURN TO THE SHOP IN QUESTION.
And there you have it. Seven easy steps to ensure that I and shop keepers everywhere will hate you forever. And may buys eat your eyeballs and spiders lay eggs in your brains while you sleep if you ever try this.
But seriously now, young shop lifter to be. Do you really want to be known as the one who steals from small, privately owned stores? There is a reason why so many of them close after a short period of time you know. They make hardly any money! These people are just barely scraping by! Maybe you should get a job and try buying your things for once. Think about that the next time you're jabbing forks into your forearm, or whatever it is shop lifters do at night.
Well hey there giant wall of text. Shall I make nice and lj-cut you? Nah.
So! I caught some rat bastard trying to shop lift from the shop I work at! And you know what he was trying to nick, don't you? Damned jeans of course! It's always the damned jeans.
See what he did, this here 'criminal mastermind', was he was standing in the girls clothes section and he reached through to the guys rack, pulled a pair of jeans through and folded them up and put them in his bag WHILE FACING THE SECURITY CAMERA! What a douche! Here, I'll draw you a map to better understand this guy's supreme idiocy:
Please excuse my dreadful abilities. He was standing where them there chairs for people who get tired are, facing away from me (and toward the nifty little camera). See we get a bit of this (only every couple of months or so, pretty good really!) people always try and sneak around and squirrel things into their bags in that corner, because if it weren't for the camera, it'd be a real blind spot for us.
Anyway! So I watch this guy perform his dastardly cunning scheme to screw over the second hand clothing store (I mean, come on! Damn pricks!) and as sneaky as sneak I creep over and say nice and loudly, "Can I help you sir?"
He jumps the jump of the guilty. Ha ha! "What? No."
"I wondered if you wouldn't mind if I checked your bag." It is not a request.
"It's 'cause I'm a black fella, isn't it?" He asks, outraged. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this guy was aboriginal. Well he was, but that's not why I was watching him. I was watching him because he didn't meet my eyes or reply when I greeted him upon his entering the shop, even though I know he heard me. (Bastards! I am a human being!) I was also watching him because it's my fucking job, I watch everyone and after five or six years in the same place I've gotten damned good at it. You'd never even know I was watching you. *cues spooky music*
"Actually," I reply, "It's because I saw you take a pair of jeans from that rack (I point to the rack in question) fold them up and put them in your bag. Now if you don't mind, I'd like them back now please."
He looks a bit embarrassed and gives them up without further complaints. I take the jeans and step aside (as I was blocking his exit). As he leaves I call out, "Oh, and I'd really appreciate it if you never come back. If you do, I may just have to call the police. Have a nice day!" I do so adore speaking as formally as I can to the scum of the earth (read: shop lifters).
I should probably become a security guard or something, I fucking love busting shop lifters. It gives me such a rush! And I'm pretty good at it too I think! I've not been stabbed yet, I always take a precaution to this, standing about a metre away so that I'd hopefully be able to dodge them if they tried anything nasty. But holy crap! What an arsehole! Playing the race card? Pu-lease! Arsehat. Oh oh! And he was probably mid 30s. You'd think he'd be a bit old for these kinds of shenanigans by now. But it always seems to be about this age group that does the stealing (and people that I'm pretty sure are messed up on drugs). Maybe they are trying to relive their lost youth? Whatever, just don't do it in my shop. I tend to take it personally.
But the thing I don't get at all is that they all try and steal like this. It doesn't work folks, all this sneaking around and trying to be clever, pure foolishness! I'll tell you how to do it. Yes, that's right. I am going to tell you how to shop lift. Just don't do it in my fucking shop!
How To Shop Lift (or, How To Be A Fucking Arsehole) in 7 Easy Steps.
Now, keep in mind that this will not work in a mall. Only in shops off the street or off pedestrian malls (street is best). Low foot traffic is a good idea too.
Step 1. Pick your target. It is best if it is often maintained by one person at a time.* If the clerk is a young, fit looking fellow, move on. Pick another target. If the clerk is a bit round about the middle, older, or is a woman; then you are good to go.
* This is most common in shops that are not chain stores, but rather run by decent folk trying to make an honest living. They are often not pulling much cash and therefore, they can not afford to hire more than one person at a time. If you steel from a shop such as this, you can be confident that you are indeed a fucking arsehole.
Step 2. Scoping out your target is not necessary. You do not need to know whether they have a panic button, cameras, or other security devices. (Though a thought occurs, don't try this in America. You may just get shot for your troubles.)
Step 3. Get yourself a good pair of running shoes.
Step 4. Enter your targeted store. If other customers are present, forget it. If not, proceed.
Step 5. If you plan to take your time selecting the item or items you wish to steal, be polite and friendly to the clerk, greet them if they greet you, but take care not to go overboard. You do not want to stand out from the crowd. Keep in mind that your average customer is cordial at the most, aim to be that average customer. However, I would advise against taking your time. If they have a security device it may be recording you. You do not want this.
Step 6. Grab what you want and leg it. Run as fast as you fucking can, take a few side streets. Trust me, they will not come after you. Especially if you have carefully selected your target so as there is to be only one clerk present. I mean, like horse shit I'm going to take the trouble to grab my keys, lock the door and chase after you. By the time I've dug the keys from my bag you'll be long gone. Besides, I'm a girl. I don't ever wear runners.
Step 7. NEVER RETURN TO THE SHOP IN QUESTION.
And there you have it. Seven easy steps to ensure that I and shop keepers everywhere will hate you forever. And may buys eat your eyeballs and spiders lay eggs in your brains while you sleep if you ever try this.
But seriously now, young shop lifter to be. Do you really want to be known as the one who steals from small, privately owned stores? There is a reason why so many of them close after a short period of time you know. They make hardly any money! These people are just barely scraping by! Maybe you should get a job and try buying your things for once. Think about that the next time you're jabbing forks into your forearm, or whatever it is shop lifters do at night.
Well hey there giant wall of text. Shall I make nice and lj-cut you? Nah.