Found in Translation - Chapter 5
Things were not good. Things were absolutely terrible. Wooyoung fixed his phone the day after Christmas.
“Sorry bro, you won’t be able to get all those calls and texts that came in…Seems like you fucked up this phone pretty badly.”
‘Seriously?’ Wooyoung thought to himself. His life was shit. He had no luck. To make matters worse, he was incredibly horny. It was the 27th today and this morning when he was looking for that English dictionary of his (so he could learn how to curse out Nichkhun in his native tongue just in case he ever decided to show his face again) and he opened his night stand’s drawer.
“Shit…” His face turned red in embarrassment even though there was no one around. In the drawer was a bottle of lube and a pack of condoms…not used, of course. Wooyoung’s heart rate increased and he threw it close.
His mind started to do the same exercise it had done since the days in which he hadn’t seen Nickhun. Did Nichkhun ever really like men to begin with? And…since when was Wooyoung gay? To his knowledge, he’d always liked women as well, right? Yeah…he’d never had a girlfriend but that didn’t mean anything. Nichkhun used him. That was obvious. How long had he known that girl? Why had he never heard of her? Who in the actual fuck was she? She was gorgeous, she looked established, she stood confident and she knew Nichkhun from before. Wooyoung couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the inevitable: Was she an ex girl-friend? Had they had sex? Had he loved her? Did he still love her? Had he always loved her? Was Wooyoung someone Nichkhun used because he couldn’t have her?
Every time Wooyoung got that far in to the recesses of his mind he threw out another “How to Learn Thai book” or picture of Nichkhun that was lying somewhere in his house.
He was ready to throw in the towel once he saw the items in his drawer. He lay back on his bed and closed his eyes. He unwillingly remembered how they had gotten there.
Reminisce - verb 1. To recall past experiences, events, etc.; indulge in reminiscence; 2. What Wooyoung didn’t want to do right now because it hurt him, but he did anyways because seeing Nichkhun’s face in his mind relieved the pain at the same time.
“Wooyoung, I’m home.” Nichkhun walked into the apartment. Instead of his jumpy self, his footsteps were hesitant and he rubbed his sweaty palms together. “Yo…?”
“I’m in here!” Wooyoung sat on his bed, playing video games instead of studying. It wasn’t very often that he opted out of studying but today he was in one of those moods where he really didn’t care about his future. Right now…he wanted to relax.
Nichkhun stepped into the room and stood at the doorway. He looked at the TV, questioning Wooyoung’s random video gaming, shrugged his shoulders because he didn’t mind, and then looked at how intently Wooyoung was playing, laughing to himself because it was cute. Wooyoung noticed him from the corner of his eye, and felt anxious since he was standing up.
“Are you going to sit down…or are you suddenly allergic to my bed? OH WAIT, I know…you’re afraid I’m going to challenge you to play when you know you’re going to lose.” Nichkhun smiled and walked over to the bed, he shoved Wooyoung and he dropped the controller, his character in the game hitting the enemy…and dying.
“Wow, great going Mr. Popularity!” Wooyoung scoffed and turned to Nichkhun. “What’s up?”
Nichkhun still hadn’t said anything and he hadn’t taken off his book bag either. Wooyoung took note of this and reached to take it off of him but Nichkhun flinched backward. He smelled that fresh soap smell on Wooyoung, his favorite. For a moment, only for a second really, he was incoherent but still had enough of his mind to know that he wasn’t letting Wooyoung touch his bag.
“Khun…what’s wrong with you?” He reached again. Nichkhun flinched farther back and ended up on his back. “Ha! What’s in there?” They fumbled over the bag and every few seconds Nichkhun would push away Wooyoung’s hand, he bit one of his hands and in reaction Wooyoung gasped, “Oh hell no!”
“OK, OK! I’ll show you.” Wooyoung took his hand back and rubbed it. His eyebrows rose.
“This better be good.” Nichkhun blew out hot air and unzipped his bag. He shoved it back to Wooyoung and Wooyoung looked inside. He sat on the bed silently and didn’t move his eyes. He nervously scratched the back of his head. They spoke at the same time to clear the awkward air.
“Have you ever done this before- “
“I…just got it, doesn’t mean we have to do anything…”
“I’ve never done it before.” Nichkhun answered Wooyoung’s question first. Nichkhun’s ears got red and he covered them with his hands. Wooyoung smiled and avoided looking up. “Honestly…”
“I don’t really want to do this…now. But later…” Wooyoung didn’t know how to begin.
“Is that because you think it’s going to hurt?”
“…Yes…I mean, no. Well yes, I know it’ll probably hurt. But I want to do it when the time is right.”
“And when will that be?” Nichkhun knew he sounded impatient; he didn’t want it to come out that way. Wooyoung looked taken aback.
“You’ll know. Because I’ll let you know.” Nichkhun was in love. He had fallen so hard, he was falling up. He leaned over the bed and pushed Wooyoung down. He held his hips down because Wooyoung had the tendency to tease him when they kissed, whether he was doing it on purpose, Nichkhun never knew. He licked Wooyoung’s lips and Wooyoung moaned into his mouth. Wooyoung’s fingers pulled Nichkhun’s shoulders down toward him and he felt his hips want to move but he tried his best to refuse them.
“Make sure you tell me,” kiss, “when you want to do it,” kiss, “because if you don’t”, kiss, “I’ll just take any movement you do as a ‘yes’.” Nichkhun whispered against his mouth and put his knee against Wooyoung’s groin…because Hell, if Wooyoung could tease him, he’d find a way to tease him too.
Wooyoung woke up from his thoughts, reached for his phone, and dialed without even looking.
Ring, ring, ring.
Ring, ring, ring.
“Wooyoung, Wooyoung I-“
“Are you home?” His voice rang in Nichkhun’s ears and he knew he was about to start hyperventilating. What was he doing?
“Yes. But I-.” Wooyoung hung up and picked up his keys on his nightstand. He held them in his hands and hoped that he wouldn’t have to use them later tonight to get back in to his house. He opened the nightstand, saw those things again, swallowed his pride and shoved them into his bag.
If things worked out the way he planned, then he’d be staying the night somewhere else.
Nichkhun paced around his apartment, holding his head in his nervous hands. Wooyoung had called him? Wooyoung called him. His chest hurt because his heart was beating so angrily fast. It’s like it wanted to come out of his body because inside there, it was going through too much.
A knock on his door threw him off. He rushed to the front of his apartment. He looked around and noticed how messy it was but didn’t have the care to clean it when he was so scared. He unlocked the door and saw Wooyoung standing in front of him. It was such a relief that Nichkhun almost believed that he was a figment of his imagination; actually his entire existence was probably too good to be true or probably too good to be for him.
Fugacious - noun 1. Fleeting; transitory; 2. The feeling that Nichkhun felt in the side of chest when he thought that maybe Wooyoung wanted to make up with him, wanted to be with him, wanted to work things out…and didn’t hate him until he reasoned that that too, was probably too good to be true.
That was no imagining; Wooyoung was too good for Nichkhun. He didn’t deserve him. But as he admitted before, he was selfish.
Earlier that day, while he was aimlessly walking around his apartment complex, hoping for some sort of revelation that would help him figure out what to do, he had remembered a time when his selfishness had caused them to argue.
Nichkhun and Wooyoung were walking back to Wooyoung’s apartment after an entire day out in the city. It was getting closer to midnight, they were full from Korean Barbeque, and honestly…Wooyoung was a tad sauced. His cheeks were red and he stumbled over his own feet, laughing at the darkness for being in misery, because though it was night time, he was acting as if it were daylight.
Nichkhun held his hand and Wooyoung swung it back in forth happily, talking loudly about how much Korean Barbeque was good and how he had really wanted to go to the movies lately. Suddenly though, he didn’t have much to say so he continued to swing his arm back and forth and Nichkhun firmly tugged it back and close to him so that he could hold Wooyoung. He wrapped his arms around Wooyoung.
“Wooyoung…,” Nichkhun tried to be serious but it was hard when Wooyoung was looking at him like if he wasn’t listening but when Wooyoung looked straight into his eyes and wrapped his arms around his neck it didn’t matter if he was listening or not. “What am I to you?”
“A lot.” Wooyoung hugged him tighter. They stood in front of a park and the smell of the wet mulch on the floor was seeping into Nichkhun’s brain. The air was humid and his skin was sticky. He was very uncomfortable but Wooyoung was hugging him too tight so he couldn’t move.
“And what are we?”
“Us? We are…what we are.”
“Does that mean we’re together? That you’re mine?”
“I don’t belong to anyone. But if you want to talk in semantics, we are technically together.” Wooyoung separated from him and walked over to the swings. “And now we’re apart.” He smiled.
“Smart ass.” Nichkhun followed him and watch him sit on the swing. He noticed how Wooyoung was too tall for it and so his feet dragged on the floor since he was swinging too slow. He stepped behind him and pushed him so he’d go faster. Wooyoung looked back and shot him a glare for pushing his back. Nichkhun laughed at this and put his hands over Wooyoung’s on the swing and held them as be pulled him back and pushed him forward. It felt weird to him. Seeing Wooyoung get far from him scared the living shit out of him and made him want to pull him back immediately, figuratively and physically. “Be serious. I’m trying my best here, okay?”
“Alright, alright. Stop whining and ask.” Wooyoung answered playfully. Nichkhun could sense that he wasn’t sincerely bothered, besides…he WAS as said before, a tad sauced.
“Do you want to go out with me? Officially?”
“Officially? Does that mean I have to call you ‘Honey’ and cook dinner for you?”
“Wooyoung! C’mon, man.” Nichkhun pushed the swing hard.
“Haha, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. But…I don’t know Khun. I don’t know if I..or if we are ready for that.”
“What’s there to be ready for? We’ve already established our feelings, we basically live together…it’s just a title.”
“Well then, if it’s just a title then why are you so persistent about it?” Wooyoung turned around to face him. He felt terribly vicious for saying things he knew hurt Nichkhun. He could basically feel the disappointment from Nichkhun’s fingers that were still on his. He could have even sworn for a second that Nichkhun’s eyes were glossy.
“It’s because…you know what, forget it,” Nichkhun said, slightly dejected. Wooyoung stood up and was about to give in and try and solve this now but Nichkhun smiled and threw up his hands. “Let’s go get ice cream?”
Wooyoung loved him, he loved him so much it was ridiculous and irrational and obsessive. So he said ‘no’ to Nichkhun every time because he was truly afraid that Nichkhun would be turned off by his over bearing emotions.
Nichkhun stood at the door with his hand on the door knob. He couldn’t wait anymore. When he threw it open and saw Wooyoung standing there, with swollen eyes, a bag in his hand, and untied shoe laces.
Without asking, Wooyoung stepped in Nichkhun’s apartment and looked at him. Nichkhun stepped back nervously and ran his fingers through his hair. He had thought of something to say before seeing Wooyoung but now that he was there he had no idea where to begin. Wooyoung looked like he’d break any second so Nichkhun didn’t want to use words that might serve as daggers.
Wooyoung wet his lips, hoping that they’d give him something good to say. His plan hadn’t even commenced and it had already failed. Sex with Nichkhun, though he was sure his body wanted it now, was still something that his mind and heart wouldn’t be able to handle. On his walk to Nichkhun’s apartment, he had imagined the sweat, Nichkhun’s heady breath, and the sheets. He wondered if people on the street noticed his uneasiness. He felt disgusting but it had been seven days since he touched Nichkhun’s skin and it was driving him insane. He hadn’t even realized that he needed him like this.
Now that he was in front of Nichkhun, his desires were buried under his skin and he could only think of how much Nichkhun had hurt him. Nichkhun and his stature, flawless skin, and pained face only served to make Wooyoung angrier, and unfortunately jealous. He remembered Christmas and that woman and how she sauntered her way into his apartment. He thought of how she probably stood here, was probably acquainted with this place, had probably been naked on that bed and he almost lost his mind.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to leave…well…I did it because-“ Nichkhun began to speak. Actually words flew out of his mouth and he had no control over them. With his hands, he displayed emotions.
“Why would you do that? You just left me there! I don’t even know who she is!” Wooyoung sounded jealous, envious, and he was so scared that Nichkhun would be turned off. But when Nichkhun’s expression turned from apologetic to slightly displeased, Wooyoung didn’t care if Nichkhun was turned off or not.
“HER?! She is no one. NO ONE. She doesn’t even matter, Woo, seriously.” Nichkhun’s voice got louder and he felt in his throat. He panicked but felt the heat rushing to his head. Wooyoung was astonished. No one? HOW? He left him at a café, had her come over on Christmas, and she was no one? Then was Wooyoung less than no one? His heart broke.
“But you left me there…for her! How can she be no one? I saw…”
“What?” Nichkhun snapped; Wooyoung bit his lip.
“I saw her go to your house on Christmas. I came over here…and I saw her.” Nichkhun’s heart stopped but his breathing increased.
“Why didn’t you come up here?”
“Why would I? I’m sure she kept you busy.” Wooyoung threw his bag on the ground. He curled his fingers into fists. He held them so hard, his skin turned white.
“What are you trying to say?” Nichkhun saw tears well up in Wooyoung’s eyes and understood very clearly what he was implying. “Wooyoung….we didn’t.”
Wooyoung’s eyes looked like if they didn’t believe him. “We didn’t!”
Nichkhun scoffed in anger. “How could you think that of me? Of us?!”
“Well, how the hell was I supposed to know! I don’t fucking know her! And--“ Wooyoung got cut-off by a Nichkhun who had lost his patience.
“Never mind! What ‘us’?! You don’t even want this, right? I mean, I can’t even call you my boyfriend! We can kiss, we can live together, but God forbid I want you to be mine…”
Nichkhun shoved Wooyoung and immediately regretted it. The hurt in Wooyoung’s eyes was enough to equate to a punch.
“Then maybe we shouldn’t be together. Maybe I just can’t handle ‘us.’ Besides, you have her. And she gave it up so easily, yes? Forget it. Let’s just stop.” Wooyoung’s voice was shaking; he didn’t believe his own words. Wooyoung tried to think of reasons why this was rational, for once he couldn’t think of a reason NOT to be with Nichkhun. Nichkhun looked at Wooyoung’s small frame and wanted to hold him and beg him not to go. He grabbed Wooyoung’s wrist, the electricity from his skin shocked him.
“Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t break up with me. Don’t…don’t…” Wooyoung tried to rip his wrist away. He tugged and pulled away from Nichkhun as tears began to run down his face. Nichkhun wouldn’t let go as his knees got weak. “Let go!” Wooyoung shoved Nichkhun away from him and Nichkhun stumbled into the wall unit.
He looked back and almost helped him up but if he didn’t leave right at this instant, he would never leave.
“Wooyoung, I need you. Please don’t do this.” Nichkhun stumbled to his feet and breathed heavily. Wooyoung threw open the door and slammed it behind him. He fell against the back of the door and his knees gave away. He brought his hands to his face and as the hot tears streamed down his face, it warmed up his cold face. It couldn’t do anything for his cold heart. No remedy.
Nichkhun’s chest heaved. Wooyoung was gone, for good. His head was booming and a migraine was coming, he knew it. He had never thought to explain her to Wooyoung because sincerely, she didn’t matter. But it was in this instant that he realized that Wooyoung most likely had loved him as much as he loved Wooyoung. All the times he had called him first, all the times Wooyoung gave in to Nichkhun’s absurd requests, and even back when he agreed to teach Nichkhun Korean…Wooyoung showed Nichkhun that he loved him. Why had he been so blind? Wooyoung would have never been that distraught if he wasn’t insensibly in love. As much as this thought made Nichkhun want to cry in joy…he realized it far too late for it to matter.
Six hours later, a woman stood in front of Wooyoung’s door. She nervously tapped her boot against the floor. It was still cold and moderately early in the evening. The weather was biting cold and she wrapped her scarf around her face and her eyes were getting wet due to the wind.
The door slowly opened and Wooyoung peaked out from his apartment, wrapped up in a giant hoodie and shivering. He saw the woman and his eyes widened. He stuttered a discreet greeting and invited her in, only because she’d freeze outside.
She politely stepped in and shook his hand. Wooyoung was suspicious as to why she was there, and even a tad offended. “Wooyoung, nice to meet you. Nichkhun mentions you a lot. You’re a good friend?”
“…Uh, yes.” That’s all they were now, or probably less. He felt like punching her.
Minutes later they were sitting on his couch, sipping coffee, her slender fingers wrapping around his mug. As much as it seemed immature, Wooyoung made sure to use a mug he was positive Nichkhun’s lips never touched. She smiled so brightly that he felt like closing his eyes. “I’ll get straight to the point then. This is awkward for me. But I am his ex-girlfriend.” She laughed shyly.
Wooyoung’s worst fears were right. His body felt stiff and he almost had a break down. From his silence, the girl perked up and continued her speech. “I miss him. I regret breaking up with him. I want to try things again. But…he’s hesitant.” Slight relief swept through Wooyoung’s body, but not enough to make things better.
“Why?” First reciprocate thing Wooyoung has asked.
“You.” He always says ‘I can’t. What about Wooyoung,’ and ‘It’s over between us. I have Wooyoung to care about.’ It’s like you guys are together. I don’t get it.” She laughs again. Wooyoung gets frustrated. He glares at her and grinds his teeth.
“Oh…” She realized.
Revelation noun 1. Something revealed or disclosed, esp. a striking disclosure, as of something not before realized; 2. What Wooyoung, Nichkhun and this woman were receiving at this very moment.