2002 VS Today: A lot has changed.
My mom was bound to notice... She always notices. She noticed then but responded with so much hurt disguised as hate. Back then she told me she wanted me to leave that part of me behind and to change. Back then she wouldn't have cared that my heart was aching. Back then she would have been cold, thought to be honest, I wouldn't have been able to share any of it anyway. I would have waited same as now apparently - waited to see if she would notice and say something comforting. Hoping for her to acknowledge my pain.
Monday night, I slept at home, I hope she doesn't ask. What would I say, would i lie? Has she heard me crying?
Tuesday night, I slept at home, I think she is on to me. I wonder what she thinks, has she noticed i am not eating? Lisa told me I should tell her.
Wenesday night, per her request I loaded up my car with all that I had at her apt and slept at home. That night, I parked my car with the back facing the front of my mothers car. I want her to notice. I doubt myself for a moment. I leave it as is.
Thursday, complete my daily routine of going to work - feel number for 8hrs- Taking a lunch to alternate between crying and resting - not actually eat, bc everything makes me sick. I add something to the routine. I finish wiping some tears and work on my normal non-crying voice. I practice what I am going to say and how i will respond to certain questions. I repeat this but this time no crying, Anna. I call my mother. I avoid it all. Hoping she will ask and not for fear of her response. Lisa told me to tell her. I ask her questions about her upcoming surgery and she asks me if I am still taking my meds, i tell her not as often as I should be. She doesn't mind that because she is scared of the side effects for me. She is very happy sounding she has had a good day it seems. She light heartedly asks me, te corrieron de tu casita? (did they[meaning danni] kick you out of your little house) she wasn't expecting my response. "si" .... my voice cracks a little and I try to keep it together. Not yet Anna... i don't know how she will react. Will she offer me the mom hug lisa says i could use? Que hiciste? (what did you do) I don't let the assumption hurt me bc I was partially expecting the response she follows with que paso (what happened) I told her -- well as much as i knew. I told her that part of the problem was related to the fact that i forget things and am late and some of it could be solved with the meds. I told her Danni is very much affected by my actions and inactions. She asked for time to know if this will be something she can deal with long term. She is tired of being the nagging bad guy. -- I told my mother much more than i expected to, all the while taking breaks so as to not start crying and talking incoherently. She hears the cracks in my voice and responds, "Ay mija es que en esta vida todos tenemos defectos y si no nos quieren por eso que vamos hacer. Tiene mucho campo mi corazon para ti tal y como estas. Arregla tu cuarto aqui alcabo yo nunca te corri"
(O my daughter, its just that in this life we all have defects and if they won't love us because of them, what are we to do? My heart has plenty of room for you as you are. Get your room ready here, after all, i never asked you to leave.)
This would be the first time she ever provided me with advice on love & heartache.
And with that, even if for a moment, she allowed me believe that I wasn't too much of a lost cause. She showed me that she does notice. She showed me that her heart finally understands. I have always known she loves me, but i finally knew she cared.
Monday night, I slept at home, I hope she doesn't ask. What would I say, would i lie? Has she heard me crying?
Tuesday night, I slept at home, I think she is on to me. I wonder what she thinks, has she noticed i am not eating? Lisa told me I should tell her.
Wenesday night, per her request I loaded up my car with all that I had at her apt and slept at home. That night, I parked my car with the back facing the front of my mothers car. I want her to notice. I doubt myself for a moment. I leave it as is.
Thursday, complete my daily routine of going to work - feel number for 8hrs- Taking a lunch to alternate between crying and resting - not actually eat, bc everything makes me sick. I add something to the routine. I finish wiping some tears and work on my normal non-crying voice. I practice what I am going to say and how i will respond to certain questions. I repeat this but this time no crying, Anna. I call my mother. I avoid it all. Hoping she will ask and not for fear of her response. Lisa told me to tell her. I ask her questions about her upcoming surgery and she asks me if I am still taking my meds, i tell her not as often as I should be. She doesn't mind that because she is scared of the side effects for me. She is very happy sounding she has had a good day it seems. She light heartedly asks me, te corrieron de tu casita? (did they[meaning danni] kick you out of your little house) she wasn't expecting my response. "si" .... my voice cracks a little and I try to keep it together. Not yet Anna... i don't know how she will react. Will she offer me the mom hug lisa says i could use? Que hiciste? (what did you do) I don't let the assumption hurt me bc I was partially expecting the response she follows with que paso (what happened) I told her -- well as much as i knew. I told her that part of the problem was related to the fact that i forget things and am late and some of it could be solved with the meds. I told her Danni is very much affected by my actions and inactions. She asked for time to know if this will be something she can deal with long term. She is tired of being the nagging bad guy. -- I told my mother much more than i expected to, all the while taking breaks so as to not start crying and talking incoherently. She hears the cracks in my voice and responds, "Ay mija es que en esta vida todos tenemos defectos y si no nos quieren por eso que vamos hacer. Tiene mucho campo mi corazon para ti tal y como estas. Arregla tu cuarto aqui alcabo yo nunca te corri"
(O my daughter, its just that in this life we all have defects and if they won't love us because of them, what are we to do? My heart has plenty of room for you as you are. Get your room ready here, after all, i never asked you to leave.)
This would be the first time she ever provided me with advice on love & heartache.
And with that, even if for a moment, she allowed me believe that I wasn't too much of a lost cause. She showed me that she does notice. She showed me that her heart finally understands. I have always known she loves me, but i finally knew she cared.