(Criminal Minds) Bloodsport - 16 - Part One
Title: Bloodsport
Author: darkbardzero
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairings: Jennifer Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Ratings: 18
Summary: ''Love is just a Bloodsport.''
Disclaimers: All things Criminal Minds belong to people other than me. I just write stuff.
Author's Notes: Well, this is something that was originally part of a drabble I wrote in the CM music challenge. Back then, I was nudged and encouraged by Steppenwolf_20 to write it full length. So here it is! It's been in the works for quite a while due to various reasons, but it's on the tracks now.
Thank You: To Steppenwolf_20 for suggesting it, Sofia_Lindsay for not letting me give up on it early on, and Heidimaggs22 for supporting me, batting ideas around, putting up with rants and waffles and for being my rock! Ta to Heidimaggs22 and Sofia_Lindsay for beta'ing.
A/N - This hasn't been beta'd, the lovely Heidimaggs22 has been super super super busy :) I'm SO sorry for the gap between updates, I've been all sickly and illsome! Heidimaggs22 took very good care of me though, and force fed me medicine!
XXX
''This is taking too long.''
Morgan ceased his pacing only long enough to kick one of the empty chairs, forcing it to crash into the wall behind with an almost deafening clatter. One that made Reid jump in his own chair, not expecting the sudden racket. The two older profilers didn't flinch, their faces that of stone as they observed Morgan's explosion. The, what Garcia referred to so very often as her 'burning hunk of chocolate thunder', growled with impatience, his face, his dark eyes, laced with fury and pent up frustration that stemmed from his overwhelming concern. He panted slightly, putting his hands on the back of his head as he turned in a circle.
Morgan was a protector; he took it personally when anything happened to his team. He took the bond within this team seriously; he took the loyalty and the friendship seriously. His colleagues were like members of his own family; they were the people that he spent all his time with, the people he relied on, and the people that understood what happened out there and what they had to see.
''Why is there no update? It feels like she's been in there all day.''
It made his stomach flip to remember the ever graceful, ever dignified Jennifer Jareau sprawled on the deck of that house. It pissed him off that they hadn't heard anything since before her surgery. He wanted to know what was going on, he wanted some new hope to hang on to, and he wanted something substantial to tell JJ's parents and Emily when they got here.
''The more they can repair in one go the better.''
Hotch reminded him calmly.
''If it's taking this long to repair, just how much damage is there?''
The younger man squeaked back in a slightly challenging response. No news is good news was starting to turn a little sour, in his eyes.
''Morgan...''
''We were lucky with Penelope, how lucky are we gunna get this time with JJ?''
The profiler demanded, his voice more hurt and frantic than challenging. He was the only one that had dared to approach and voice what they were all trying to bury in the back of their heads. It was what they were all worried about; it niggled at them quietly, weighing down their hope.
Morgan looked at each of his colleagues in turn, not knowing whether he really expected them to actually answer or not. They didn't, no one could. He let out a shaky breath, letting himself slump into one of the chairs behind him, running his hands along his face as he listened to the silence of the waiting room. A silence that wasn't silent at all, it was a silence full of the words and feelings running through all of them.
That sinking silence was interrupted by the buzz of Hotch's cell phone, and everyone watched him as he scrolled through the message he just received. It was a rare day that the Unit Chief let a crack into his face of stone, but today, it had occurred plenty, and it happened right now again as he flinched.
''I have JJ's personal contacts. I'm going to go make some calls.''
XXX
''You did a good thing, earlier? You did a good thing telling Hotch to call Delilah.''
Penelope Garcia sat on one of the chairs in the area just outside of the shower cubicles that nurse Karen had shown them to after Emily had been fully checked out. The brunette had been scanned and injected and prodded and poked, all while teetering between being submissive and vulnerable or defiant and enraged. It had taken too long for Emily, her mind was still upstairs and Garcia had given up somewhat on trying to distract the profiler. What was the point? What could possibly distract Emily, or herself for that matter, what was happening up there?
''It was against my better judgement.''
Emily replied, voice floated through the steam and the noise of stream of water. A second later, the water was turned off.
''I think we both know that it wasn't, you're too classy for that.''
Garcia spoke with the evident respect in her tone. She was proud of Emily for making such a call, given how she felt about JJ and what had been going on. Whatever had happened, Emily knew that it couldn't end with Delilah being shut out by JJ's merry band of followers. Least of all by her. That's not how it was supposed to end, not exactly. Emily had won the war, neither she nor Delilah might have known it yet, but Garcia was sure that Emily had a feeling that she had. So she'd won already, there was no need for her to rub it in. It was over, and Emily would grit her teeth and bear Delilah's presence, because the Detective didn't know that she had lost yet, and that's something that only JJ could tell her. Emily could have been indulgent and gone the other way, but she was what Garcia had just said, far too classy for that.
There was no reply from the brunette, only sounds that indicated to Garcia that she was drying off and getting changed. Right now, all she had were the medical scrubs that Karen had been able to provide. Emily refused outright to go home and change, so Garcia planned on having someone go over to her apartment when JJ got out of surgery for the profiler. There was no way she was leaving this hospital, so the best she could do was make sure the mountain came to her.
''Emily, when I was shot, I remember hoping that all the people I cared about knew how I felt about them. I can't say what happens for others, but there's this process that your mind goes through. I'm not talking about the whole hallmark thing about reaching perfect clarity and seeing your life pass before your eyes, but it's something similar to that.''
Garcia looked up as Emily stepped out, her hair damp and now dressed in the hospital garments that had been provided. She looked at Garcia speculatively, wondering why she was telling her this, hoping that it wasn't a prelude to some sort of 'it's not your fault if she dies' speech.
''I have to hope for the best, because I've known JJ for a long time and I know how hard she can fight. I know what she has to live for, Em. I know because she told me, and I think right now, you need to hear it and she'd want you to know. She wants to be with you, Emily. JJ is so in love with you, so adoring of you, and so devoted to you. Her plan today was to tell Delilah everything; she wanted to end it with her so she could be with you. And I know she still wants that, she wants that future with you and that's what she'll be fighting for up there. She's fighting for you.''
Emily looked at her friend, frozen to the spot as she spoke, her tone getting more and more emotional until it was barely a cracked whisper, but so full of truth and power that it penetrated the numb wall that had developed around her. Emily felt the impact like she had been hit by a freight train, it was so powerful that it stalled her breathe for a moment, made her heartbeat echo in her ears. Her inkling and hope were nothing compared to hearing them out loud, to have it confirmed so positively. To not only know, but feel that JJ was fighting for her up there.
There had been so much uncertainty for so long, so much devastation and broken promises and missed chances. What she had become was distasteful; Emily wished that she could have done something other than drag JJ into something that could probably have been avoided. They would never truly know if they could have gotten to a point of realisation without having an affair. Neither of them had been strong enough to stop the other, it felt like the collision had been inevitable since the very second they had set eyes on one another. There had been a magnetic pull between them that day that had scared and confused them both, causing them to recoil. Emily in a state of shock that she felt so much so quickly for someone, and JJ in a state of denial that she could feel something so powerful for another woman, leading to the creeping feelings that she had always pushed down about her relationship with Delilah.
Emily didn't know if JJ had ever been in love with the younger woman, but she knew that she had loved her. She regretted that the Detective had become an unwitting victim of their feelings; she had never really had a chance to fight in a battle she hadn't known was happening. By the time she had, it was far too late. Still, she had tried, and never once had she suspected that JJ had done anything wrong, it had been Emily herself she had gone after. The profiler didn't know if that was because she trusted the blonde so greatly or because she had too much pride in herself to think that JJ would never, could never be tempted to stray.
Emily also wished that she could accept Garcia's assessment that she had gone about this in a classy way. She hadn't. The war had started the second she had seen Jennifer Jareau, she had declared it silently to herself that night. Nothing was going to stand in her way, and Emily had once thought that it was only a conquest that she was fighting for, but it never had been, it had always been life and future and love.
That was the reason she would never apologies for the outcome of this dirty battle, it was why she would never apologise to Delilah for securing those things. She would be humble enough to say that it was wrong to go about it in such a way, but Emily would never regret it.
''Thank you.''
The tears had pooled up into her eyes, her gratitude a hushed, cracked whisper.
XXX
''Detective Forrester?''
The voice on the other end of the phone seemed tinny, as though it floated from somewhere far, far away. It scratched and grated on her because right now she was blaming the messenger. Here she had been, waiting in this apartment, waiting for her lover to get home early for once. Despite their recent problems, Delilah had been looking forward to that. Her intention tonight had been to talk, to really talk like they had once used to. Memories of staying up all night with JJ just to talk floated through her mind, and they wrapped around her like a security blanket. So soft and sweet were the images they seemed to reach into the very essence of who they were together, causing goose bumps to run along her body. It was that essence that she was going to remind JJ of tonight, to confess her sins and apologise.
If there was one single outcome by the realisation that another woman was trying to steal her girlfriend, was just how much she didn't want to lose her. It was a realisation that indeed, as Emily had suggested; she had gotten far too complacent. The truth of that had been staring her in the face for a long time, but she had been too cocky to realise it. She should have seen it, at the very least, the night JJ had sang, but instead she had been too angry that JJ could apparently tell an all but stranger instead of her girlfriend of many years. Now she realised that JJ hadn't told her because she felt as though she couldn't, and Delilah knew that was her fault.
Things were going to be set right. Delilah had decided that if she hadn't gotten her transfer through within a month, she would quit. She didn't want to, but they had been waiting far too long. Their jobs were busy enough without this continual time and space gap between them, and the sooner they could close that, the more advantageous it would be to rekindling their relationship. So Delilah was willing to give up her badge if it meant she could be with JJ. She had also thought about making plans for a vacation, they hadn't been away together in so long, and a break might be just the setting they'd need to reconnect and discuss the things that were going wrong.
The Baltimore cop was also willing to look at herself, she was even considering therapy. She was possessive, controlling and dominating, and once upon a time those things hadn't interfered. As time had gone by, they had grown and contorted, making her unpalatable and sour. Untrusting, one could say. Part of it could have been connected with her work; part of it she knew could be connected with her upbringing. What she knew for sure was that it wasn't good for JJ, and it wasn't good for herself. What she had done in the bathroom was a prelude of what she could turn into, and she didn't want to be that person. When she thought about becoming that, of hurting JJ, it made her feel physically sick. Emily's reproachful eyes haunted her, and Delilah had to admit to herself that the profiler was right to look at her like that and feel threatened on behalf of the blonde.
All these things she had thought about intently as JJ had left for work this morning. She had been running, been to the store to get some ingredients and some beer for later. When she had been home, she had chosen some of JJ's carefully ordered music to play, realising that she had lost the little interest she'd had in it, therefore didn't know hardly anything about her lover's preferences. She knew now that she needed to take an active interest in JJ's interests, because JJ always had in hers. She had become complacent, but no more.
Now this? Now this tinny, scratchy voice full of authority and firmness, which were frail against the worry, the doubt and the sadness. From the little Delilah knew of Aaron Hotchner, she didn't believe him to be a man that often let his emotion seep through. However, in this call, it seemed to overwhelm him.
He was telling her the one thing that you never wanted to hear. He was making the dreaded phone call, the phone call that every cop, every Agent, every law enforcement Officer of any kind, in the world, prayed they never had to make. He was telling her that her girlfriend was not coming home today. He was telling her that instead her girlfriend was laying on an operating table, exposed, the graceful dignity that laced within her unique ways diminished. He was telling her that she may never get the opportunity to tell JJ, swear to JJ, that she was going to be a different woman for her.
''Delilah.''
The use of her first name snapped her back into reality, making her take in a quick, sharp and painful breath as she raised her phone with a shaky hand back to her ear. Her world had literally just cracked, moved beneath her like her own personal earthquake. She had never prepared for this phone call. She had been too flippant about JJ's role in the BAU, never truly recognising how deep it went, or how much danger she was also in. She had never truly given that credit to her amazingly talented girlfriend, not even when she had taken down an armed suspect with a hostage mere inches away through a glass door.
This was an incredibly rude awakening.
''I...where are you?''
''George Washington.''
Delilah swallowed hard, her body feeling weighted to the couch she had fallen heavily onto the moment the words ''JJ has been shot'' came out of Hotchner's mouth.
''I'm on my way.''
With that, the Detective snapped her phone shut, but her body did not move. For a moment, she was simply paralysed. For a moment, she was so overcome by grief and fear, that she didn't know how to stand. She didn't know how to breathe, JJ made her breathe.
The moment ended, however, as she forced her way through her paralyses to drag herself up onto her feet. If being a hard headed grunt had ever worked in her favour it was now. Her motivation, her sole objective right now, was to get to that hospital and be there for her girlfriend. She couldn't falter, couldn't flinch or waste time by sitting around feeling sorry for herself. JJ needed her right now, and she was determined to be there.
XXX
''Jennifer Jareau?''
Three sullen, forlorn profilers looked up instantly, Reid practically falling out of his chair in effort to stand up to meet the Doctor that was approaching them. Clearing his throat timidly, the young man tried to shake off his momentary embarrassment as Rossi and Morgan both gave him a look, before standing up themselves to move beside him. The redheaded Doctor slowed her approach to stand before them, gazing behind them briefly with a wondering look moving lightly across her eyes. She shook it off, however, blinking and looking back toward the three eagerly awaiting men.
''Jennifer is out of surgery…''
Kate began, not knowing why Emily wasn't with her colleagues, because it was obvious they were her colleagues, in the waiting room. However, she didn't have to wait long for her explanation.
''Kate!''
The surgeon turned at the now familiar anxious shout of her name, stalling in her would-be update instead to watch Emily practically charge up the hallway, a quirky looking blonde hot on her heels. It came as a relief to see that Emily had obviously been dragged off to receive medical assistance and to get showered, now changed out of the bloody clothes she had seen her in earlier. The profiler and the woman Kate astutely deemed to be the person that had managed to convince Emily to leave scurried in line to hear news of their fallen Agent.
''Emily, I was just telling your colleagues, Jennifer is out of surgery. She's been transferred to recovery, and from there she'll be moved to ICU…''
''Is she okay?''
''What's the extent of the damage?''
''Where there complications?''
''What's her prognosis?''
''When can we see her?''
The overwhelmed Doctor held up her hands, blinking slightly at the onslaught of questions that the group bombarded at her. They quietened down at her gesture, peering at her with desperate hope.
''Don't worry; I can answer all of your questions. Right now, Agent Jareau is in stable condition, she's not totally out of the woods yet, but her vitals are looking positive at this point. We completed her surgery successfully, transfused her with some blood and we're keeping a very close eye on her. She did very well in surgery, parts were touch and go but she kept bouncing back. She's heavily sedated right now; it'll be a few hours until she starts to come around, possibly morning.''
With the promising news, the group let out big sighs, feeling as though they had been holding their breath for the entire duration. Morgan slung his arm around Emily lightly, aware of her own injures, but squeezed her reassuringly, not being able to stop the relieved smirk from crossing his face. Rossi nodded, smiling that trademark smile as he rubbed his face, Reid comforting a teary but happy Garcia.
''What's the bad news, Kate?''
Emily broached, knowing that her friend hadn't finished yet. Again she noticed that Kate entered the conversation process with positives, leading with letting them know that JJ was alive and kicking still. There was a genuine encouraging tone to her voice, which made Emily hope more so than she usually would, but knew that it wasn't just going to be okay so easily.
''As I suspected, Jennifer's retroperitoneal space was compromised. I'm afraid that she sustained massive damage internally. We did the best we could, we controlled and stopped the bleeding once we opened her up, repaired a few blood vessels, but there is bad news. The bullet tore into her kidney, we attempted to contain the damage to recover it, but it was too far-gone, we had to remove it.''
Pausing, Kate took in the stunned faces of the group she was facing. Their optimism vanished in an instant, their hopefulness dropping to a heartbreaking despair.
''What…what does that mean? She'll be okay, right?''
Penelope managed to strangle out, her heart and stomach sinking, her poor little girl.
''Her body will have to adjust to having a single kidney, as well as the trauma she's sustained, but yes. Many people across the world live with one kidney, obviously the preference is to keep both, but she can lead a perfectly healthy life with just the one. We were concerned about the amount of blood loss she sustained, but with the repairs and the transfusion, she's beginning to pick up. Jennifer is incredibly healthy, and incredibly strong, her prognosis is extremely optimistic. Barring the removal of her kidney, there were no other significant complications, no damage that we didn't manage to get under control.''
''What about her leg?''
''Jennifer needed what we call an intramedullary rod to align and stabilise her fracture. The IM rod is inserted into the bone marrow canal of her femur. We were able to clean up the damage to the blood vessels in her leg and drain some collected blood, and we're very optimistic. The IM rod can remain in her leg indefinitely, unless she suffers any long lasting pain symptoms, in which case she'd require a surgery along the line to remove it. I'm afraid that in the immediate outlook, she will suffer quite a bit of pain. On the bright side however, the IM rod enables patients to gain use of the leg more quickly.''
The group blinked, obviously trying hard to take in all the details and assign the information to some logic in their heads. They were tired, scared and overwrought, it was why she had tried to keep everything reasonably simple and understandable, they didn't need to be laden down with some medical babble.
''Her overall prognosis is very good, we expect her to make a full recovery. The damage was significant, but it could have been a lot worse. Like I say, she's strong. When she comes out of it, expect some disorientation, she may not be awake for long, and she'll be in quite a bit of pain. She'll be administered morphine for pain control initially, but guys, this will be a painful recovery, and she'll need support, mentally, physically and emotionally. But once she gets over the hump, she can build her strength back up and there's no reason she won't return to a very active lifestyle.''
It always felt good to deliver the good news, to offer encouragement and hope and positivity. It could have gone the other way, anything could have gone wrong. Kate had seen patients who medically could have pulled through but just didn't, just let go. She had seen a lot of things in this job. Jennifer Jareau seemed to be a fighter, and they liked fighters around here. Obstinate was a way of life as far as she and her fellow surgeons were concerned. The more their patients attacked, the better their odds were.
Raising her hand, Kate gave Emily's shoulder a gentle squeeze as she smiled at her affectionately. This wasn't just opportunity to give good news, but she was able to look a woman she very much liked and respected in the eye and tell her that her world didn't have to crumble, not today. She could see the gratitude in Emily's eyes, sparkling and twinkling brightly with the surge of happiness that had emerged through those impossibly dark eyes of hers. The profiler moved forward, and Kate chuckled lightly as she accepted the bear hug she was offered.
''Thank you. Thank you so much.''
Emily whispered hoarsely, not knowing whether she could take much more of the emotional rollercoaster today. This no doubt being the best part of it at all, the part where gravity didn't quite have its strong grip over you as you plummeted downward, all the while knowing you were safe, just enjoying the ride. It felt like you were floating, the force pushing into you, making you laugh all the harder. That's how she felt right now, she felt like she was floating. It was actually a dizzying affect, and she felt lightheaded and even a little weak with the flush of heat and joy that surged through her.
''You're very welcome. I'll come back in a half hour and you can see her then, okay? One, maybe two at a time though.''
Emily nodded, sniffling as she pulled back, though reaching down to hold Kate's hand and squeeze it gently. Never in a million years had she expected that this would be in their future when she had set eyes on the stunning redhead in that bar. Kate had supposed to have been a one-night stand, a warm body between the sheets to make her forget that JJ had Delilah. Emily had never expected her to turn into her own little ray of light.
Kate had been her friend, her lover, her therapist, and now she was her miracle worker, the woman that saved not only JJ's life, but her own too.
''Is there anyone the hospital needs to contact? Family?''
Kate wondered softly, smiling and nodding at all the relieved thank yous that came her way.
''It's taken care of, thank you Dr.''
Rossi responded with a gracious, appreciative nod. Kate nodded back at him before looking back toward Emily. With another gentle squeeze, the Dr smiled before stepping back, leaving the group to their hugs and laughter. Today was a good day.
For Emily, it wasn't just hugs and laughter. It was a state that could only be described as a trance; she was removed almost, from the happenings around her. Relief was a severe understatement for what she felt right now. Never before had she known this level of elation, of pure, raw and sweeping solace. To be so totally devoid of anxiety or worry. It felt like nothing she had felt before, just overwhelming and thick and unyielding. Disorientating, it made her fumble backward, her body letting itself flop onto one of the nearby chairs with a huff.
The stunned, brunette profiler remained motionless as she tried to take in the enormity of both the understanding and the feeling of the knowledge that JJ was going to be fine. She felt small, in the grand sense of the world, her mind calculating the odds that it was this outcome that they had been delivered. If those bullets had had a different trajectory within her body, if JJ hadn't have had her vest on, if the kid had actually known how to shoot and aimed for her head. It wasn't worth thinking about, but in the span of a relatively short time, not one but two of their team had been on the brink of obscurity, only to be pulled back and returned to them. That was just something that Emily had no words for, but would forever hold dear.
The sight of JJ down like that, the rush of chaos getting her to the hospital, the waiting around for news, it had been soul crushing. Potentially soul destroying. The weight of it had been crushing her, squeezing her from the inside out. The good news of her prognosis seemed to have a strangely similar affect, in that it wrapped around her body and squeezed tightly, practically knocking the wind out of her. It made her head spin, because this was just something that couldn't be absorbed quick enough, and at the same time dawdled with its ultimate realisation. It needed process, a thinking moment, to really understand. To accept the gigantic concept, like the concept of time or space. To accept the enormity of the galaxy around them, the beauty of it, the space of their universe. Well, to Emily, Jennifer Jareau was all those things.
Her universe was safe, that was going to take some absorbing. It was going to take the tears that welled up in her now, to rack through her body. Like a ritualistic release, Emily just sat there and cried. Not in fear, not in pain, not in hurt, but in pure joy.
Emily Prentiss sobbed.
XXX
The mood was a lot lighter in the waiting room that the team had taken over. The buzz of the hospital didn't seem so oppressive now, the waiting game was over and their luck had come through once again. Whatever they had done to deserve another of their friends pulling through getting shot, they were mystified but happy about it, and vowed to continue whatever it was so they could keep luck in their favour.
Slowly but steadily, the conversation had picked up. Garcia had begun to tease Morgan again, with Reid joining in their banter, while Rossi and Hotch discussed here and there things. Emily talked a little, not quite being able to sit still as she waited now for the chance to go in and see JJ. Her eyes didn't stray from the hospital corridor for long, hoping that Kate would emerge soon to take her to see her lover. Her future.
The emotion had been drained out of her, now she felt tired but the kind that was comfortable and peaceful. Just knowing that the blonde was going to be safe, that the damage she had sustained could be managed and repaired. JJ would be forever altered, she'd lost an organ and would forever have a metal rod in her leg, but she would be safe at least. Emily would never forget the sacrifice that she had been prepared to make for her, and she knew that whatever it took, she would be there to help JJ throughout her recovery. Kate had said it would be painful, Emily could only assume that the younger woman had a rocky time ahead of her. Her body would have to adjust, would have to heal the best it could. Emily didn't know how JJ's body would make such a transition, she wasn't sure if there would be any sign anyone could notice that she only now had one kidney. Would that be painful? Or was Kate alluding more to the surgery and the overall trauma? Also, to the fact that JJ was no doubt going to need some sort of physiotherapy for her leg. It didn't matter, in whatever way Emily could help, then so be it.
The redheaded Doctor that the profiler had been so eagerly waiting for did emerge, but only briefly to note something down on a chart. Emily studied her friend carefully, noticing how she tensed up slightly, trying to act nonchalant as a light brunette approached the desk and stood next to her. They exchanged a few words, smiling warmly, even affectionately, until Kate excused herself and wondered off in the general direction that Emily thought they were keeping JJ. The light brunette still hovered at the desk, watching Kate go, biting her lip and sighing lightly. Emily knew that look.
Kate had saved the woman she loved today. The least Emily thought she could do was play a little game of cupid. Maybe it took an outsider to see it, or maybe it was ridiculously obvious to anyone but them, or maybe she had let herself use her profiling skills to pick it up. But this woman that Kate oh so adored, the one she thought didn't know of her existence in the romantic way, had the hots for her.
''Beautiful, isn't she?''
Emily asked nonchalantly as she sidled up beside the younger Doctor who had still been lost in dreamy eyed thought.
''Yeah, she is…I mean…I'm sorry, who are you?''
The lighter brunette squeaked, trying to regain herself from her unwitting admission. Turning around to look at Emily with a puzzled half glare, half embarrassment at being caught out, the younger woman lifted an eyebrow as she tried to look as though she hadn't just admitted she thought the redhead that had left only moments ago was beautiful. Emily simply smirked.
''My name is Emily Prentiss; I'm waiting for Jennifer Jareau to be transferred to ICU so I can see her. I'm also a friend of Kate's.''
Emily offered the lighter brunette her hand, it was the least she could do after tricking her like that. She was dying to see JJ, its pretty much all her mind could think about, but she owed the redhead and now seemed like a perfect opportunity to pay back her dues.
''Oh…sorry, you just startled me. I'm Joey Flynn. You're a friend of Kate's?''
Joey shook Emily's hand carefully, trying to size her up somehow.
''I'd probably be a lot more than that, if it weren't for two reasons.''
''Which are?''
Emily smirked, Joey was a smart girl, she had caught on to what she meant immediately.
''The blonde currently being taken to ICU and you.''
Joey blinked, trying to comprehend Emily's straight up answer. For such an intelligent understanding just a second ago, it was taking quite a bit of time for her to realise what Emily meant. It wasn't such an easy thing to comprehend though, the profiler knew that much. To realise that you stood a chance, that maybe, just maybe, your feelings weren't in vain and perhaps there was hope. It was a big thing, unpacking what had been carefully packed away.
''How did you know?''
The Dr finally asked, still grappling with what this new information meant. What this stranger had provided her.
''Kate might have missed the way you look at her, and you might have missed the way she looks at you, but I didn't. And hey, she saved the girl I love today, the least I could do was tell you that you should do more than look.''
The dark brunette smirked, shrugging her shoulders as she readily confessed her motives and the way she had deduced the obvious. They had probably been the last to know; Emily doubted they'd been stealthy enough to hide those longing looks around the people they worked with. Maybe some thought it was just friendship, but most wouldn't have bought that, not for long anyway.
''Agent Jareau has been taken to ICU; Kate just went to check on her to make sure she's stable enough for visitors. I'm sure you don't have to wait much longer.''
Joey informed the profiler warmly, the corners of her mouth still turned up, the excitement beginning to shine its way out of her. Emily nodded once in appreciation.
''Thank you.''
''No, thank you.''
The lighter brunette corrected, unable to say much of anything else. Her gratitude came over loud and clear, however, strong and silent and unmistakable. Maybe she couldn't verbalise her appreciation but Emily understood it anyway. It felt good to be able to do something for her friend, and obviously the feelings that Kate had often related to her about Joey, Joey herself had been feeling the same ones. The wall between them must have seemed a lot thinner now, and although Kate had no idea about that, at least Joey did, and it only took one to strike the spark.
''Emily…hey, umm, I just checked on Jennifer. I can take you in now if you want.''
Kate seemed somewhat perturbed to find Emily and Joey talking as she walked around the corner from the adjoining hallway, immediately suspicious of what they were talking about. Emily was a profiler, after all, the redhead doubted that it would have taken much for her to realise that Joey was her Jennifer.
''Just me?''
Emily asked, standing up straight and moving toward her friend.
''I can take you in pairs. She's still weak, so it'll have to be two at a time for now.''
Emily nodded, biting her lip lightly but not moving forward, or moving at all actually. She froze. Stalled in place as she frowned lightly and thoughtfully. Was it odd, to feel this nervous so suddenly and going into a room to see the woman who had stood in front of a gun for you? JJ had saved her life; there was no two ways about that. Emily couldn't describe the gratitude in her chest about that, it bound itself to her, like the fear had bound itself to her when it had happened.
But what had also sneaked into her was the feeling of guilt and remorse, of blame. JJ had gotten hurt for her; she would be forever altered, for her. All that damage and all that pain was on her, because some kid had wanted to get revenge for his Father. The one that would have killed her if she hadn't have killed him first. It had been a mixture between training and survival instinct, the implicit knowledge that if she didn't get her gun and make a solid shot, she'd die. Up until now, Emily hadn't really analysed that side of the events too closely. She had been way too focused on JJ to acknowledge that she had killed someone today, the butterfly effect of which lead to JJ almost being killed.
What if the blonde woke up and decided that it hadn't been worth it? That she hadn't been worth it? It was a confliction of feeling, the profiler knew. One half of her wanted to be worth that kind of sacrifice for, whilst the other condemned herself for being. She related to the condemning side of her more, she had after all, never been so much to someone else that they were prepared to die for her. It was…startling, to say the least. It was certainly a feeling, a vibe, that was inexplicable. Was she selfish for liking it? Was it arrogant? Or was it okay, because she never expected, never wanted, JJ to do that for her, but knowing she would, had, made her feel special. It made her feel worth something.
So what if JJ woke up with a degree of clarity? Emily's worst fear when it came to relationships was rejection, that was the long and short of it. She didn't know what to do with rejection, she had felt much of that growing up and it had lead her to be distrustful and weary of anyone wanting to get too close. She also grappled with the feeling of abandonment, something else that went straight back to her upbringing. Maybe she was just a scared little girl sat in a fortress of her own making, anyone daring to approach killed by the soldiers of insecurity.
Not Jennifer though, somehow JJ had managed to battle her way through to get inside. Somehow she had knocked down her walls, killed her soldiers, and stripped away those isolated places that Emily had used to hide. But look at what it had cost her. Look at what decision she had made out in the field, choosing to do such a potentially fatal act. Emily wondered if that was any kind of worth it, as she worried if JJ herself would think that.
God she needed a shrink.
Emily felt a warmth in her hand as another took hold of it, tangling their fingers and giving her a gentle squeeze. Blinking, the brunette looked vaguely to her left, her eyes straight away meeting those of Penelope Garcia, friend extraordinaire, who smiled softly and lovingly. The computer whiz seemed to understand without a word being said Emily's nervousness, her pause, her hesitation. The profiler was glad that someone did, and she was glad that she had Garcia to rely on right now. In fact, she was glad she'd had Garcia to take care of her today, because she wouldn't have taken care of herself, and the boys had been too scared of her to totally take charge and make her do it. Garcia and JJ were scarily alike in that respect.
''Let's go see our girl.''
The quirky blonde whispered encouragingly, knowing that Emily needed a little to get her moving again. Whatever was going on in that head of hers, on which Garcia had a few theories, she could help her with by just being there to let her know she wasn't alone. It was one thing to be told that JJ was going to be okay, but it was quite another to see it. Sometimes that relief could be crushing. Also, Garcia knew that it was one thing to hear that JJ was going to take the steps she needed to start a relationship with her, but it was quite another to have to wait, again, until that happened. Also, for Emily, she had been waiting on that line not knowing whether JJ was going to join her or not, she had prepared to be ready, it was always different when you had to step forward across that line.
The two friends followed Kate, still awash with nervousness, also with excitement and all that emotion that was still rushing through them, draining slowly. Emily kept a tight hold of Garcia's hand as though she was a kid, scared of getting lost. Really, the more she thought about it the more she thought she was just a terrified little girl, battling life with a badge and a gun because she didn't want anyone to see how small she felt. It was a front, sometimes. Emily would do what she had to do, get done what she had to get done, and face off with the most hardened killers because it was the only way she knew how to balance it all out.
''Wait…''
Emily hesitated again, stalling just outside of a room which appeared to be JJ's, just next to the nurses station.
''Tell me what we should expect.''
Kate nodded softly; ready and willing to give her friend anything she needed to be able to step through this door. It was something that a lot of people asked; it was something a lot of people found hard.
''Well, she's heavily sedated, she won't be able to make any acknowledgement that she knows your in the room. Some people believe otherwise, but these drugs, they're very potent. JJ is still weak, she's been through an incredible amount of shock, she's still recovering from the trauma and the surgery, so she may look a little different. There are also wires and monitors surrounding her. Don't worry about these things too much, she'll start picking up in time and the machines are helping us help her. She's stable and barring any other complication, out of danger. This is the first step of recovery.''
Swallowing hard, the brunette nodded once in understanding. Her breathing had become shallower and sharp, as though she had just had a fright or had been exercising. It was the nerves, of course, the worry and the impending emotions she knew she would feel upon seeing JJ in her current state. A state that she didn't deserve to be in, that Emily had hoped and prayed she'd never have to see her in. It seemed that lately, the most innocent of their team were the one's being hurt so very badly. Reid was tortured; Garcia was shot, and now JJ. The three that seemed to be the functioning heart, the sweetness in such sour surroundings. Not that anyone else would be more deserving of anything horrific happening, Emily certainly didn't think that.
Another squeeze came from Garcia has Kate opened the door, stepping through first and holding it open for them to follow. Emily took short, shuffling steps at first, held back by nerves, but once the atmosphere caught up with her, the beeping of monitors, the smell of everything medical, the sight of metal railings and machines and hospital blankets, her stride widened out. Switching from nervous to a demanding need, it seemed, to see JJ.
''Oh god…''
Emily barely recognised the strangled out, cracked utterance as her own voice, momentarily dazed, shell-shocked, from what she saw. It was a battering ram, one that was so forceful and powerful, that it stole her breath and ripped through her. Dissolving her of being for a moment, her stomach churning violently, skin tingling into numbness, though trembling lightly, her hands in particular. Shakily they moved up to cover her mouth, her tears stinging her eyes as they overfilled them, slipping out and down her cheeks. It didn't matter how small and vulnerable she appeared now, nothing mattered.
JJ was motionless, and if Emily hadn't have known any better, she would have thought lifelessness. Her body was laid out on the bed limply, it seemed contorted it was so vastly different from any other time Emily had seen her lying down. Gone was the smoothness of her skin, the honeycomb tone, the glowing warmth. Replaced by a pasty, ghastly tone of pale white and coldness. It looked as though the life had just been sucked and drained right out of her, leaving an empty carcass. Even her hair was dull and limp and lifeless. It was so repugnant, so offensive to the former version of Jennifer Jareau. Emily had never known it was possible for her to look like this.
There were machines surrounding her, connecting to her with wires and pads, collecting data from her as though she were a machine. As though she was something other than human. As though she was something other than the entire world. It was outrageous, it was wrong. The surge of anger Emily felt was overwhelming, because her head briefly short circuited, forgetting that these things were there to help her, instead momentarily outraged that it didn't seem to be understood that this girl was the most important thing in the universe to her?
It took a series of steadying breathes, and the hands of both Garcia and Kate on each shoulder as she staggered from the dizzying rush, to begin to think clearly again. Or, clearly enough anyway. The waves of emotion didn't cease, they kept rushing at her as she stepped forward, closer and closer to JJ's bed until she was beside it, looking down on the fragile blonde. It broke Emily's heart to see her like this, as if by one strong push the woman was going to break into pieces.
Emily shakily reached out her hand, holding her breath as she tried to get control enough not to make any jerky movements as she let her fingers glide down the side of the blonde's face. Her skin was cool, a little warmer than she had expected at least, but not radiating with the warmth she was used to. Her skin was still smooth, however, it was still soft and silky to touch. Her lips were dry, the same pasty colour as her skin, her jaw open just a fraction. Despite some of the differences, it was good to be able to touch JJ; good to be able to see and touch for herself that she was still right here. Different, but still JJ.
Still holding onto her breath as best she could, Emily leant forward, moving down to place a delicate, soft and loving kiss on the younger woman's forehead. Her lips lingered on the cool skin, some of Emily's tears dropping onto JJ gently. The profiler hoped that Kate was wrong about her not being able to know she was here, though she knew the drugs probably saw to it that JJ wasn't aware of anything whatsoever. She at least deserved some time in total oblivion, in total deep restful peace. The road to complete recovery would be difficult for JJ. She was active, she was independent and strong. Emily didn't know how she would react to not being able to do things for herself for a while.
The reason JJ was so healthy and strong was because of who she was, and how she conducted herself. The way she trained, the time she took to look after herself, even when they were out in the field. She wanted to be at the top of her game, and that was certainly going to be an adjustment. She would have to learn how to be looked after, how to recover properly, how to take care of her surgical scars, how to walk again even. So right now, it was a good thing that she was under so deeply. Drifting in sweet oblivion, the calm before the storm.
''What did you do?''
Emily whispered faintly, so faintly she didn't think anyone could actually hear her. Pulling back to stand straight again, the brunette let her fingers explore JJ's face again, before trailing them along her shoulder, down her arm, until she reached her hand which she took into her own.
Grief was probably the most overriding emotion right now. It was a grief for the loss that JJ had suffered, on her behalf.
''God JJ, what the hell did you do?''
XXX
Author: darkbardzero
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairings: Jennifer Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Ratings: 18
Summary: ''Love is just a Bloodsport.''
Disclaimers: All things Criminal Minds belong to people other than me. I just write stuff.
Author's Notes: Well, this is something that was originally part of a drabble I wrote in the CM music challenge. Back then, I was nudged and encouraged by Steppenwolf_20 to write it full length. So here it is! It's been in the works for quite a while due to various reasons, but it's on the tracks now.
Thank You: To Steppenwolf_20 for suggesting it, Sofia_Lindsay for not letting me give up on it early on, and Heidimaggs22 for supporting me, batting ideas around, putting up with rants and waffles and for being my rock! Ta to Heidimaggs22 and Sofia_Lindsay for beta'ing.
A/N - This hasn't been beta'd, the lovely Heidimaggs22 has been super super super busy :) I'm SO sorry for the gap between updates, I've been all sickly and illsome! Heidimaggs22 took very good care of me though, and force fed me medicine!
XXX
''This is taking too long.''
Morgan ceased his pacing only long enough to kick one of the empty chairs, forcing it to crash into the wall behind with an almost deafening clatter. One that made Reid jump in his own chair, not expecting the sudden racket. The two older profilers didn't flinch, their faces that of stone as they observed Morgan's explosion. The, what Garcia referred to so very often as her 'burning hunk of chocolate thunder', growled with impatience, his face, his dark eyes, laced with fury and pent up frustration that stemmed from his overwhelming concern. He panted slightly, putting his hands on the back of his head as he turned in a circle.
Morgan was a protector; he took it personally when anything happened to his team. He took the bond within this team seriously; he took the loyalty and the friendship seriously. His colleagues were like members of his own family; they were the people that he spent all his time with, the people he relied on, and the people that understood what happened out there and what they had to see.
''Why is there no update? It feels like she's been in there all day.''
It made his stomach flip to remember the ever graceful, ever dignified Jennifer Jareau sprawled on the deck of that house. It pissed him off that they hadn't heard anything since before her surgery. He wanted to know what was going on, he wanted some new hope to hang on to, and he wanted something substantial to tell JJ's parents and Emily when they got here.
''The more they can repair in one go the better.''
Hotch reminded him calmly.
''If it's taking this long to repair, just how much damage is there?''
The younger man squeaked back in a slightly challenging response. No news is good news was starting to turn a little sour, in his eyes.
''Morgan...''
''We were lucky with Penelope, how lucky are we gunna get this time with JJ?''
The profiler demanded, his voice more hurt and frantic than challenging. He was the only one that had dared to approach and voice what they were all trying to bury in the back of their heads. It was what they were all worried about; it niggled at them quietly, weighing down their hope.
Morgan looked at each of his colleagues in turn, not knowing whether he really expected them to actually answer or not. They didn't, no one could. He let out a shaky breath, letting himself slump into one of the chairs behind him, running his hands along his face as he listened to the silence of the waiting room. A silence that wasn't silent at all, it was a silence full of the words and feelings running through all of them.
That sinking silence was interrupted by the buzz of Hotch's cell phone, and everyone watched him as he scrolled through the message he just received. It was a rare day that the Unit Chief let a crack into his face of stone, but today, it had occurred plenty, and it happened right now again as he flinched.
''I have JJ's personal contacts. I'm going to go make some calls.''
XXX
''You did a good thing, earlier? You did a good thing telling Hotch to call Delilah.''
Penelope Garcia sat on one of the chairs in the area just outside of the shower cubicles that nurse Karen had shown them to after Emily had been fully checked out. The brunette had been scanned and injected and prodded and poked, all while teetering between being submissive and vulnerable or defiant and enraged. It had taken too long for Emily, her mind was still upstairs and Garcia had given up somewhat on trying to distract the profiler. What was the point? What could possibly distract Emily, or herself for that matter, what was happening up there?
''It was against my better judgement.''
Emily replied, voice floated through the steam and the noise of stream of water. A second later, the water was turned off.
''I think we both know that it wasn't, you're too classy for that.''
Garcia spoke with the evident respect in her tone. She was proud of Emily for making such a call, given how she felt about JJ and what had been going on. Whatever had happened, Emily knew that it couldn't end with Delilah being shut out by JJ's merry band of followers. Least of all by her. That's not how it was supposed to end, not exactly. Emily had won the war, neither she nor Delilah might have known it yet, but Garcia was sure that Emily had a feeling that she had. So she'd won already, there was no need for her to rub it in. It was over, and Emily would grit her teeth and bear Delilah's presence, because the Detective didn't know that she had lost yet, and that's something that only JJ could tell her. Emily could have been indulgent and gone the other way, but she was what Garcia had just said, far too classy for that.
There was no reply from the brunette, only sounds that indicated to Garcia that she was drying off and getting changed. Right now, all she had were the medical scrubs that Karen had been able to provide. Emily refused outright to go home and change, so Garcia planned on having someone go over to her apartment when JJ got out of surgery for the profiler. There was no way she was leaving this hospital, so the best she could do was make sure the mountain came to her.
''Emily, when I was shot, I remember hoping that all the people I cared about knew how I felt about them. I can't say what happens for others, but there's this process that your mind goes through. I'm not talking about the whole hallmark thing about reaching perfect clarity and seeing your life pass before your eyes, but it's something similar to that.''
Garcia looked up as Emily stepped out, her hair damp and now dressed in the hospital garments that had been provided. She looked at Garcia speculatively, wondering why she was telling her this, hoping that it wasn't a prelude to some sort of 'it's not your fault if she dies' speech.
''I have to hope for the best, because I've known JJ for a long time and I know how hard she can fight. I know what she has to live for, Em. I know because she told me, and I think right now, you need to hear it and she'd want you to know. She wants to be with you, Emily. JJ is so in love with you, so adoring of you, and so devoted to you. Her plan today was to tell Delilah everything; she wanted to end it with her so she could be with you. And I know she still wants that, she wants that future with you and that's what she'll be fighting for up there. She's fighting for you.''
Emily looked at her friend, frozen to the spot as she spoke, her tone getting more and more emotional until it was barely a cracked whisper, but so full of truth and power that it penetrated the numb wall that had developed around her. Emily felt the impact like she had been hit by a freight train, it was so powerful that it stalled her breathe for a moment, made her heartbeat echo in her ears. Her inkling and hope were nothing compared to hearing them out loud, to have it confirmed so positively. To not only know, but feel that JJ was fighting for her up there.
There had been so much uncertainty for so long, so much devastation and broken promises and missed chances. What she had become was distasteful; Emily wished that she could have done something other than drag JJ into something that could probably have been avoided. They would never truly know if they could have gotten to a point of realisation without having an affair. Neither of them had been strong enough to stop the other, it felt like the collision had been inevitable since the very second they had set eyes on one another. There had been a magnetic pull between them that day that had scared and confused them both, causing them to recoil. Emily in a state of shock that she felt so much so quickly for someone, and JJ in a state of denial that she could feel something so powerful for another woman, leading to the creeping feelings that she had always pushed down about her relationship with Delilah.
Emily didn't know if JJ had ever been in love with the younger woman, but she knew that she had loved her. She regretted that the Detective had become an unwitting victim of their feelings; she had never really had a chance to fight in a battle she hadn't known was happening. By the time she had, it was far too late. Still, she had tried, and never once had she suspected that JJ had done anything wrong, it had been Emily herself she had gone after. The profiler didn't know if that was because she trusted the blonde so greatly or because she had too much pride in herself to think that JJ would never, could never be tempted to stray.
Emily also wished that she could accept Garcia's assessment that she had gone about this in a classy way. She hadn't. The war had started the second she had seen Jennifer Jareau, she had declared it silently to herself that night. Nothing was going to stand in her way, and Emily had once thought that it was only a conquest that she was fighting for, but it never had been, it had always been life and future and love.
That was the reason she would never apologies for the outcome of this dirty battle, it was why she would never apologise to Delilah for securing those things. She would be humble enough to say that it was wrong to go about it in such a way, but Emily would never regret it.
''Thank you.''
The tears had pooled up into her eyes, her gratitude a hushed, cracked whisper.
XXX
''Detective Forrester?''
The voice on the other end of the phone seemed tinny, as though it floated from somewhere far, far away. It scratched and grated on her because right now she was blaming the messenger. Here she had been, waiting in this apartment, waiting for her lover to get home early for once. Despite their recent problems, Delilah had been looking forward to that. Her intention tonight had been to talk, to really talk like they had once used to. Memories of staying up all night with JJ just to talk floated through her mind, and they wrapped around her like a security blanket. So soft and sweet were the images they seemed to reach into the very essence of who they were together, causing goose bumps to run along her body. It was that essence that she was going to remind JJ of tonight, to confess her sins and apologise.
If there was one single outcome by the realisation that another woman was trying to steal her girlfriend, was just how much she didn't want to lose her. It was a realisation that indeed, as Emily had suggested; she had gotten far too complacent. The truth of that had been staring her in the face for a long time, but she had been too cocky to realise it. She should have seen it, at the very least, the night JJ had sang, but instead she had been too angry that JJ could apparently tell an all but stranger instead of her girlfriend of many years. Now she realised that JJ hadn't told her because she felt as though she couldn't, and Delilah knew that was her fault.
Things were going to be set right. Delilah had decided that if she hadn't gotten her transfer through within a month, she would quit. She didn't want to, but they had been waiting far too long. Their jobs were busy enough without this continual time and space gap between them, and the sooner they could close that, the more advantageous it would be to rekindling their relationship. So Delilah was willing to give up her badge if it meant she could be with JJ. She had also thought about making plans for a vacation, they hadn't been away together in so long, and a break might be just the setting they'd need to reconnect and discuss the things that were going wrong.
The Baltimore cop was also willing to look at herself, she was even considering therapy. She was possessive, controlling and dominating, and once upon a time those things hadn't interfered. As time had gone by, they had grown and contorted, making her unpalatable and sour. Untrusting, one could say. Part of it could have been connected with her work; part of it she knew could be connected with her upbringing. What she knew for sure was that it wasn't good for JJ, and it wasn't good for herself. What she had done in the bathroom was a prelude of what she could turn into, and she didn't want to be that person. When she thought about becoming that, of hurting JJ, it made her feel physically sick. Emily's reproachful eyes haunted her, and Delilah had to admit to herself that the profiler was right to look at her like that and feel threatened on behalf of the blonde.
All these things she had thought about intently as JJ had left for work this morning. She had been running, been to the store to get some ingredients and some beer for later. When she had been home, she had chosen some of JJ's carefully ordered music to play, realising that she had lost the little interest she'd had in it, therefore didn't know hardly anything about her lover's preferences. She knew now that she needed to take an active interest in JJ's interests, because JJ always had in hers. She had become complacent, but no more.
Now this? Now this tinny, scratchy voice full of authority and firmness, which were frail against the worry, the doubt and the sadness. From the little Delilah knew of Aaron Hotchner, she didn't believe him to be a man that often let his emotion seep through. However, in this call, it seemed to overwhelm him.
He was telling her the one thing that you never wanted to hear. He was making the dreaded phone call, the phone call that every cop, every Agent, every law enforcement Officer of any kind, in the world, prayed they never had to make. He was telling her that her girlfriend was not coming home today. He was telling her that instead her girlfriend was laying on an operating table, exposed, the graceful dignity that laced within her unique ways diminished. He was telling her that she may never get the opportunity to tell JJ, swear to JJ, that she was going to be a different woman for her.
''Delilah.''
The use of her first name snapped her back into reality, making her take in a quick, sharp and painful breath as she raised her phone with a shaky hand back to her ear. Her world had literally just cracked, moved beneath her like her own personal earthquake. She had never prepared for this phone call. She had been too flippant about JJ's role in the BAU, never truly recognising how deep it went, or how much danger she was also in. She had never truly given that credit to her amazingly talented girlfriend, not even when she had taken down an armed suspect with a hostage mere inches away through a glass door.
This was an incredibly rude awakening.
''I...where are you?''
''George Washington.''
Delilah swallowed hard, her body feeling weighted to the couch she had fallen heavily onto the moment the words ''JJ has been shot'' came out of Hotchner's mouth.
''I'm on my way.''
With that, the Detective snapped her phone shut, but her body did not move. For a moment, she was simply paralysed. For a moment, she was so overcome by grief and fear, that she didn't know how to stand. She didn't know how to breathe, JJ made her breathe.
The moment ended, however, as she forced her way through her paralyses to drag herself up onto her feet. If being a hard headed grunt had ever worked in her favour it was now. Her motivation, her sole objective right now, was to get to that hospital and be there for her girlfriend. She couldn't falter, couldn't flinch or waste time by sitting around feeling sorry for herself. JJ needed her right now, and she was determined to be there.
XXX
''Jennifer Jareau?''
Three sullen, forlorn profilers looked up instantly, Reid practically falling out of his chair in effort to stand up to meet the Doctor that was approaching them. Clearing his throat timidly, the young man tried to shake off his momentary embarrassment as Rossi and Morgan both gave him a look, before standing up themselves to move beside him. The redheaded Doctor slowed her approach to stand before them, gazing behind them briefly with a wondering look moving lightly across her eyes. She shook it off, however, blinking and looking back toward the three eagerly awaiting men.
''Jennifer is out of surgery…''
Kate began, not knowing why Emily wasn't with her colleagues, because it was obvious they were her colleagues, in the waiting room. However, she didn't have to wait long for her explanation.
''Kate!''
The surgeon turned at the now familiar anxious shout of her name, stalling in her would-be update instead to watch Emily practically charge up the hallway, a quirky looking blonde hot on her heels. It came as a relief to see that Emily had obviously been dragged off to receive medical assistance and to get showered, now changed out of the bloody clothes she had seen her in earlier. The profiler and the woman Kate astutely deemed to be the person that had managed to convince Emily to leave scurried in line to hear news of their fallen Agent.
''Emily, I was just telling your colleagues, Jennifer is out of surgery. She's been transferred to recovery, and from there she'll be moved to ICU…''
''Is she okay?''
''What's the extent of the damage?''
''Where there complications?''
''What's her prognosis?''
''When can we see her?''
The overwhelmed Doctor held up her hands, blinking slightly at the onslaught of questions that the group bombarded at her. They quietened down at her gesture, peering at her with desperate hope.
''Don't worry; I can answer all of your questions. Right now, Agent Jareau is in stable condition, she's not totally out of the woods yet, but her vitals are looking positive at this point. We completed her surgery successfully, transfused her with some blood and we're keeping a very close eye on her. She did very well in surgery, parts were touch and go but she kept bouncing back. She's heavily sedated right now; it'll be a few hours until she starts to come around, possibly morning.''
With the promising news, the group let out big sighs, feeling as though they had been holding their breath for the entire duration. Morgan slung his arm around Emily lightly, aware of her own injures, but squeezed her reassuringly, not being able to stop the relieved smirk from crossing his face. Rossi nodded, smiling that trademark smile as he rubbed his face, Reid comforting a teary but happy Garcia.
''What's the bad news, Kate?''
Emily broached, knowing that her friend hadn't finished yet. Again she noticed that Kate entered the conversation process with positives, leading with letting them know that JJ was alive and kicking still. There was a genuine encouraging tone to her voice, which made Emily hope more so than she usually would, but knew that it wasn't just going to be okay so easily.
''As I suspected, Jennifer's retroperitoneal space was compromised. I'm afraid that she sustained massive damage internally. We did the best we could, we controlled and stopped the bleeding once we opened her up, repaired a few blood vessels, but there is bad news. The bullet tore into her kidney, we attempted to contain the damage to recover it, but it was too far-gone, we had to remove it.''
Pausing, Kate took in the stunned faces of the group she was facing. Their optimism vanished in an instant, their hopefulness dropping to a heartbreaking despair.
''What…what does that mean? She'll be okay, right?''
Penelope managed to strangle out, her heart and stomach sinking, her poor little girl.
''Her body will have to adjust to having a single kidney, as well as the trauma she's sustained, but yes. Many people across the world live with one kidney, obviously the preference is to keep both, but she can lead a perfectly healthy life with just the one. We were concerned about the amount of blood loss she sustained, but with the repairs and the transfusion, she's beginning to pick up. Jennifer is incredibly healthy, and incredibly strong, her prognosis is extremely optimistic. Barring the removal of her kidney, there were no other significant complications, no damage that we didn't manage to get under control.''
''What about her leg?''
''Jennifer needed what we call an intramedullary rod to align and stabilise her fracture. The IM rod is inserted into the bone marrow canal of her femur. We were able to clean up the damage to the blood vessels in her leg and drain some collected blood, and we're very optimistic. The IM rod can remain in her leg indefinitely, unless she suffers any long lasting pain symptoms, in which case she'd require a surgery along the line to remove it. I'm afraid that in the immediate outlook, she will suffer quite a bit of pain. On the bright side however, the IM rod enables patients to gain use of the leg more quickly.''
The group blinked, obviously trying hard to take in all the details and assign the information to some logic in their heads. They were tired, scared and overwrought, it was why she had tried to keep everything reasonably simple and understandable, they didn't need to be laden down with some medical babble.
''Her overall prognosis is very good, we expect her to make a full recovery. The damage was significant, but it could have been a lot worse. Like I say, she's strong. When she comes out of it, expect some disorientation, she may not be awake for long, and she'll be in quite a bit of pain. She'll be administered morphine for pain control initially, but guys, this will be a painful recovery, and she'll need support, mentally, physically and emotionally. But once she gets over the hump, she can build her strength back up and there's no reason she won't return to a very active lifestyle.''
It always felt good to deliver the good news, to offer encouragement and hope and positivity. It could have gone the other way, anything could have gone wrong. Kate had seen patients who medically could have pulled through but just didn't, just let go. She had seen a lot of things in this job. Jennifer Jareau seemed to be a fighter, and they liked fighters around here. Obstinate was a way of life as far as she and her fellow surgeons were concerned. The more their patients attacked, the better their odds were.
Raising her hand, Kate gave Emily's shoulder a gentle squeeze as she smiled at her affectionately. This wasn't just opportunity to give good news, but she was able to look a woman she very much liked and respected in the eye and tell her that her world didn't have to crumble, not today. She could see the gratitude in Emily's eyes, sparkling and twinkling brightly with the surge of happiness that had emerged through those impossibly dark eyes of hers. The profiler moved forward, and Kate chuckled lightly as she accepted the bear hug she was offered.
''Thank you. Thank you so much.''
Emily whispered hoarsely, not knowing whether she could take much more of the emotional rollercoaster today. This no doubt being the best part of it at all, the part where gravity didn't quite have its strong grip over you as you plummeted downward, all the while knowing you were safe, just enjoying the ride. It felt like you were floating, the force pushing into you, making you laugh all the harder. That's how she felt right now, she felt like she was floating. It was actually a dizzying affect, and she felt lightheaded and even a little weak with the flush of heat and joy that surged through her.
''You're very welcome. I'll come back in a half hour and you can see her then, okay? One, maybe two at a time though.''
Emily nodded, sniffling as she pulled back, though reaching down to hold Kate's hand and squeeze it gently. Never in a million years had she expected that this would be in their future when she had set eyes on the stunning redhead in that bar. Kate had supposed to have been a one-night stand, a warm body between the sheets to make her forget that JJ had Delilah. Emily had never expected her to turn into her own little ray of light.
Kate had been her friend, her lover, her therapist, and now she was her miracle worker, the woman that saved not only JJ's life, but her own too.
''Is there anyone the hospital needs to contact? Family?''
Kate wondered softly, smiling and nodding at all the relieved thank yous that came her way.
''It's taken care of, thank you Dr.''
Rossi responded with a gracious, appreciative nod. Kate nodded back at him before looking back toward Emily. With another gentle squeeze, the Dr smiled before stepping back, leaving the group to their hugs and laughter. Today was a good day.
For Emily, it wasn't just hugs and laughter. It was a state that could only be described as a trance; she was removed almost, from the happenings around her. Relief was a severe understatement for what she felt right now. Never before had she known this level of elation, of pure, raw and sweeping solace. To be so totally devoid of anxiety or worry. It felt like nothing she had felt before, just overwhelming and thick and unyielding. Disorientating, it made her fumble backward, her body letting itself flop onto one of the nearby chairs with a huff.
The stunned, brunette profiler remained motionless as she tried to take in the enormity of both the understanding and the feeling of the knowledge that JJ was going to be fine. She felt small, in the grand sense of the world, her mind calculating the odds that it was this outcome that they had been delivered. If those bullets had had a different trajectory within her body, if JJ hadn't have had her vest on, if the kid had actually known how to shoot and aimed for her head. It wasn't worth thinking about, but in the span of a relatively short time, not one but two of their team had been on the brink of obscurity, only to be pulled back and returned to them. That was just something that Emily had no words for, but would forever hold dear.
The sight of JJ down like that, the rush of chaos getting her to the hospital, the waiting around for news, it had been soul crushing. Potentially soul destroying. The weight of it had been crushing her, squeezing her from the inside out. The good news of her prognosis seemed to have a strangely similar affect, in that it wrapped around her body and squeezed tightly, practically knocking the wind out of her. It made her head spin, because this was just something that couldn't be absorbed quick enough, and at the same time dawdled with its ultimate realisation. It needed process, a thinking moment, to really understand. To accept the gigantic concept, like the concept of time or space. To accept the enormity of the galaxy around them, the beauty of it, the space of their universe. Well, to Emily, Jennifer Jareau was all those things.
Her universe was safe, that was going to take some absorbing. It was going to take the tears that welled up in her now, to rack through her body. Like a ritualistic release, Emily just sat there and cried. Not in fear, not in pain, not in hurt, but in pure joy.
Emily Prentiss sobbed.
XXX
The mood was a lot lighter in the waiting room that the team had taken over. The buzz of the hospital didn't seem so oppressive now, the waiting game was over and their luck had come through once again. Whatever they had done to deserve another of their friends pulling through getting shot, they were mystified but happy about it, and vowed to continue whatever it was so they could keep luck in their favour.
Slowly but steadily, the conversation had picked up. Garcia had begun to tease Morgan again, with Reid joining in their banter, while Rossi and Hotch discussed here and there things. Emily talked a little, not quite being able to sit still as she waited now for the chance to go in and see JJ. Her eyes didn't stray from the hospital corridor for long, hoping that Kate would emerge soon to take her to see her lover. Her future.
The emotion had been drained out of her, now she felt tired but the kind that was comfortable and peaceful. Just knowing that the blonde was going to be safe, that the damage she had sustained could be managed and repaired. JJ would be forever altered, she'd lost an organ and would forever have a metal rod in her leg, but she would be safe at least. Emily would never forget the sacrifice that she had been prepared to make for her, and she knew that whatever it took, she would be there to help JJ throughout her recovery. Kate had said it would be painful, Emily could only assume that the younger woman had a rocky time ahead of her. Her body would have to adjust, would have to heal the best it could. Emily didn't know how JJ's body would make such a transition, she wasn't sure if there would be any sign anyone could notice that she only now had one kidney. Would that be painful? Or was Kate alluding more to the surgery and the overall trauma? Also, to the fact that JJ was no doubt going to need some sort of physiotherapy for her leg. It didn't matter, in whatever way Emily could help, then so be it.
The redheaded Doctor that the profiler had been so eagerly waiting for did emerge, but only briefly to note something down on a chart. Emily studied her friend carefully, noticing how she tensed up slightly, trying to act nonchalant as a light brunette approached the desk and stood next to her. They exchanged a few words, smiling warmly, even affectionately, until Kate excused herself and wondered off in the general direction that Emily thought they were keeping JJ. The light brunette still hovered at the desk, watching Kate go, biting her lip and sighing lightly. Emily knew that look.
Kate had saved the woman she loved today. The least Emily thought she could do was play a little game of cupid. Maybe it took an outsider to see it, or maybe it was ridiculously obvious to anyone but them, or maybe she had let herself use her profiling skills to pick it up. But this woman that Kate oh so adored, the one she thought didn't know of her existence in the romantic way, had the hots for her.
''Beautiful, isn't she?''
Emily asked nonchalantly as she sidled up beside the younger Doctor who had still been lost in dreamy eyed thought.
''Yeah, she is…I mean…I'm sorry, who are you?''
The lighter brunette squeaked, trying to regain herself from her unwitting admission. Turning around to look at Emily with a puzzled half glare, half embarrassment at being caught out, the younger woman lifted an eyebrow as she tried to look as though she hadn't just admitted she thought the redhead that had left only moments ago was beautiful. Emily simply smirked.
''My name is Emily Prentiss; I'm waiting for Jennifer Jareau to be transferred to ICU so I can see her. I'm also a friend of Kate's.''
Emily offered the lighter brunette her hand, it was the least she could do after tricking her like that. She was dying to see JJ, its pretty much all her mind could think about, but she owed the redhead and now seemed like a perfect opportunity to pay back her dues.
''Oh…sorry, you just startled me. I'm Joey Flynn. You're a friend of Kate's?''
Joey shook Emily's hand carefully, trying to size her up somehow.
''I'd probably be a lot more than that, if it weren't for two reasons.''
''Which are?''
Emily smirked, Joey was a smart girl, she had caught on to what she meant immediately.
''The blonde currently being taken to ICU and you.''
Joey blinked, trying to comprehend Emily's straight up answer. For such an intelligent understanding just a second ago, it was taking quite a bit of time for her to realise what Emily meant. It wasn't such an easy thing to comprehend though, the profiler knew that much. To realise that you stood a chance, that maybe, just maybe, your feelings weren't in vain and perhaps there was hope. It was a big thing, unpacking what had been carefully packed away.
''How did you know?''
The Dr finally asked, still grappling with what this new information meant. What this stranger had provided her.
''Kate might have missed the way you look at her, and you might have missed the way she looks at you, but I didn't. And hey, she saved the girl I love today, the least I could do was tell you that you should do more than look.''
The dark brunette smirked, shrugging her shoulders as she readily confessed her motives and the way she had deduced the obvious. They had probably been the last to know; Emily doubted they'd been stealthy enough to hide those longing looks around the people they worked with. Maybe some thought it was just friendship, but most wouldn't have bought that, not for long anyway.
''Agent Jareau has been taken to ICU; Kate just went to check on her to make sure she's stable enough for visitors. I'm sure you don't have to wait much longer.''
Joey informed the profiler warmly, the corners of her mouth still turned up, the excitement beginning to shine its way out of her. Emily nodded once in appreciation.
''Thank you.''
''No, thank you.''
The lighter brunette corrected, unable to say much of anything else. Her gratitude came over loud and clear, however, strong and silent and unmistakable. Maybe she couldn't verbalise her appreciation but Emily understood it anyway. It felt good to be able to do something for her friend, and obviously the feelings that Kate had often related to her about Joey, Joey herself had been feeling the same ones. The wall between them must have seemed a lot thinner now, and although Kate had no idea about that, at least Joey did, and it only took one to strike the spark.
''Emily…hey, umm, I just checked on Jennifer. I can take you in now if you want.''
Kate seemed somewhat perturbed to find Emily and Joey talking as she walked around the corner from the adjoining hallway, immediately suspicious of what they were talking about. Emily was a profiler, after all, the redhead doubted that it would have taken much for her to realise that Joey was her Jennifer.
''Just me?''
Emily asked, standing up straight and moving toward her friend.
''I can take you in pairs. She's still weak, so it'll have to be two at a time for now.''
Emily nodded, biting her lip lightly but not moving forward, or moving at all actually. She froze. Stalled in place as she frowned lightly and thoughtfully. Was it odd, to feel this nervous so suddenly and going into a room to see the woman who had stood in front of a gun for you? JJ had saved her life; there was no two ways about that. Emily couldn't describe the gratitude in her chest about that, it bound itself to her, like the fear had bound itself to her when it had happened.
But what had also sneaked into her was the feeling of guilt and remorse, of blame. JJ had gotten hurt for her; she would be forever altered, for her. All that damage and all that pain was on her, because some kid had wanted to get revenge for his Father. The one that would have killed her if she hadn't have killed him first. It had been a mixture between training and survival instinct, the implicit knowledge that if she didn't get her gun and make a solid shot, she'd die. Up until now, Emily hadn't really analysed that side of the events too closely. She had been way too focused on JJ to acknowledge that she had killed someone today, the butterfly effect of which lead to JJ almost being killed.
What if the blonde woke up and decided that it hadn't been worth it? That she hadn't been worth it? It was a confliction of feeling, the profiler knew. One half of her wanted to be worth that kind of sacrifice for, whilst the other condemned herself for being. She related to the condemning side of her more, she had after all, never been so much to someone else that they were prepared to die for her. It was…startling, to say the least. It was certainly a feeling, a vibe, that was inexplicable. Was she selfish for liking it? Was it arrogant? Or was it okay, because she never expected, never wanted, JJ to do that for her, but knowing she would, had, made her feel special. It made her feel worth something.
So what if JJ woke up with a degree of clarity? Emily's worst fear when it came to relationships was rejection, that was the long and short of it. She didn't know what to do with rejection, she had felt much of that growing up and it had lead her to be distrustful and weary of anyone wanting to get too close. She also grappled with the feeling of abandonment, something else that went straight back to her upbringing. Maybe she was just a scared little girl sat in a fortress of her own making, anyone daring to approach killed by the soldiers of insecurity.
Not Jennifer though, somehow JJ had managed to battle her way through to get inside. Somehow she had knocked down her walls, killed her soldiers, and stripped away those isolated places that Emily had used to hide. But look at what it had cost her. Look at what decision she had made out in the field, choosing to do such a potentially fatal act. Emily wondered if that was any kind of worth it, as she worried if JJ herself would think that.
God she needed a shrink.
Emily felt a warmth in her hand as another took hold of it, tangling their fingers and giving her a gentle squeeze. Blinking, the brunette looked vaguely to her left, her eyes straight away meeting those of Penelope Garcia, friend extraordinaire, who smiled softly and lovingly. The computer whiz seemed to understand without a word being said Emily's nervousness, her pause, her hesitation. The profiler was glad that someone did, and she was glad that she had Garcia to rely on right now. In fact, she was glad she'd had Garcia to take care of her today, because she wouldn't have taken care of herself, and the boys had been too scared of her to totally take charge and make her do it. Garcia and JJ were scarily alike in that respect.
''Let's go see our girl.''
The quirky blonde whispered encouragingly, knowing that Emily needed a little to get her moving again. Whatever was going on in that head of hers, on which Garcia had a few theories, she could help her with by just being there to let her know she wasn't alone. It was one thing to be told that JJ was going to be okay, but it was quite another to see it. Sometimes that relief could be crushing. Also, Garcia knew that it was one thing to hear that JJ was going to take the steps she needed to start a relationship with her, but it was quite another to have to wait, again, until that happened. Also, for Emily, she had been waiting on that line not knowing whether JJ was going to join her or not, she had prepared to be ready, it was always different when you had to step forward across that line.
The two friends followed Kate, still awash with nervousness, also with excitement and all that emotion that was still rushing through them, draining slowly. Emily kept a tight hold of Garcia's hand as though she was a kid, scared of getting lost. Really, the more she thought about it the more she thought she was just a terrified little girl, battling life with a badge and a gun because she didn't want anyone to see how small she felt. It was a front, sometimes. Emily would do what she had to do, get done what she had to get done, and face off with the most hardened killers because it was the only way she knew how to balance it all out.
''Wait…''
Emily hesitated again, stalling just outside of a room which appeared to be JJ's, just next to the nurses station.
''Tell me what we should expect.''
Kate nodded softly; ready and willing to give her friend anything she needed to be able to step through this door. It was something that a lot of people asked; it was something a lot of people found hard.
''Well, she's heavily sedated, she won't be able to make any acknowledgement that she knows your in the room. Some people believe otherwise, but these drugs, they're very potent. JJ is still weak, she's been through an incredible amount of shock, she's still recovering from the trauma and the surgery, so she may look a little different. There are also wires and monitors surrounding her. Don't worry about these things too much, she'll start picking up in time and the machines are helping us help her. She's stable and barring any other complication, out of danger. This is the first step of recovery.''
Swallowing hard, the brunette nodded once in understanding. Her breathing had become shallower and sharp, as though she had just had a fright or had been exercising. It was the nerves, of course, the worry and the impending emotions she knew she would feel upon seeing JJ in her current state. A state that she didn't deserve to be in, that Emily had hoped and prayed she'd never have to see her in. It seemed that lately, the most innocent of their team were the one's being hurt so very badly. Reid was tortured; Garcia was shot, and now JJ. The three that seemed to be the functioning heart, the sweetness in such sour surroundings. Not that anyone else would be more deserving of anything horrific happening, Emily certainly didn't think that.
Another squeeze came from Garcia has Kate opened the door, stepping through first and holding it open for them to follow. Emily took short, shuffling steps at first, held back by nerves, but once the atmosphere caught up with her, the beeping of monitors, the smell of everything medical, the sight of metal railings and machines and hospital blankets, her stride widened out. Switching from nervous to a demanding need, it seemed, to see JJ.
''Oh god…''
Emily barely recognised the strangled out, cracked utterance as her own voice, momentarily dazed, shell-shocked, from what she saw. It was a battering ram, one that was so forceful and powerful, that it stole her breath and ripped through her. Dissolving her of being for a moment, her stomach churning violently, skin tingling into numbness, though trembling lightly, her hands in particular. Shakily they moved up to cover her mouth, her tears stinging her eyes as they overfilled them, slipping out and down her cheeks. It didn't matter how small and vulnerable she appeared now, nothing mattered.
JJ was motionless, and if Emily hadn't have known any better, she would have thought lifelessness. Her body was laid out on the bed limply, it seemed contorted it was so vastly different from any other time Emily had seen her lying down. Gone was the smoothness of her skin, the honeycomb tone, the glowing warmth. Replaced by a pasty, ghastly tone of pale white and coldness. It looked as though the life had just been sucked and drained right out of her, leaving an empty carcass. Even her hair was dull and limp and lifeless. It was so repugnant, so offensive to the former version of Jennifer Jareau. Emily had never known it was possible for her to look like this.
There were machines surrounding her, connecting to her with wires and pads, collecting data from her as though she were a machine. As though she was something other than human. As though she was something other than the entire world. It was outrageous, it was wrong. The surge of anger Emily felt was overwhelming, because her head briefly short circuited, forgetting that these things were there to help her, instead momentarily outraged that it didn't seem to be understood that this girl was the most important thing in the universe to her?
It took a series of steadying breathes, and the hands of both Garcia and Kate on each shoulder as she staggered from the dizzying rush, to begin to think clearly again. Or, clearly enough anyway. The waves of emotion didn't cease, they kept rushing at her as she stepped forward, closer and closer to JJ's bed until she was beside it, looking down on the fragile blonde. It broke Emily's heart to see her like this, as if by one strong push the woman was going to break into pieces.
Emily shakily reached out her hand, holding her breath as she tried to get control enough not to make any jerky movements as she let her fingers glide down the side of the blonde's face. Her skin was cool, a little warmer than she had expected at least, but not radiating with the warmth she was used to. Her skin was still smooth, however, it was still soft and silky to touch. Her lips were dry, the same pasty colour as her skin, her jaw open just a fraction. Despite some of the differences, it was good to be able to touch JJ; good to be able to see and touch for herself that she was still right here. Different, but still JJ.
Still holding onto her breath as best she could, Emily leant forward, moving down to place a delicate, soft and loving kiss on the younger woman's forehead. Her lips lingered on the cool skin, some of Emily's tears dropping onto JJ gently. The profiler hoped that Kate was wrong about her not being able to know she was here, though she knew the drugs probably saw to it that JJ wasn't aware of anything whatsoever. She at least deserved some time in total oblivion, in total deep restful peace. The road to complete recovery would be difficult for JJ. She was active, she was independent and strong. Emily didn't know how she would react to not being able to do things for herself for a while.
The reason JJ was so healthy and strong was because of who she was, and how she conducted herself. The way she trained, the time she took to look after herself, even when they were out in the field. She wanted to be at the top of her game, and that was certainly going to be an adjustment. She would have to learn how to be looked after, how to recover properly, how to take care of her surgical scars, how to walk again even. So right now, it was a good thing that she was under so deeply. Drifting in sweet oblivion, the calm before the storm.
''What did you do?''
Emily whispered faintly, so faintly she didn't think anyone could actually hear her. Pulling back to stand straight again, the brunette let her fingers explore JJ's face again, before trailing them along her shoulder, down her arm, until she reached her hand which she took into her own.
Grief was probably the most overriding emotion right now. It was a grief for the loss that JJ had suffered, on her behalf.
''God JJ, what the hell did you do?''
XXX