Double Take 4/?
Title: Double Take 4/?
Author: Maggsie! (me)
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: 15
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of the characters
AN: Thank you for all your amazing feedback!
AN2: I want to thank Darkbard0 being a kick ass beta and being my inspiration.
Summary: It's been 14 months and the unbreakable Jennifer Jareau is hellbent on self-destruction. Who will catch her when she falls?
X X X
Emily sat in her rental car, staring at the place that she used to call home. She had so many good memories of the place, From when she had proposed to JJ to the time when Henry was brought home from the hospital. But now? Now it was clouded with regret and unhappiness; something that she had caused from her decision. At the time she thought she had made the right one, but hearing what she had from Morgan and Garcia, she began to question it.
The brunette had learnt that her wife, if she could still call her that, had been going off the rails ever since she had left. She kind of knew it had been like that when she had walked in to the house the night before, but what she didn't know was how bad it had gotten. And it was all because of her.
Emily didn't know what she was going to get when she walked in to the house, and she could feel the butterflies in the pit of her stomach. The former profiler wanted her life back, her old life, but she had no idea how that was going to be possible. If she was in JJ's shoes, she didn't know if she could ever forgive her.
Finding the courage from somewhere, Emily stepped out of the car, walking slowly to the house. Hesitating slightly when she got to the door, she took a minute to look around the street. It hadn't changed a lot since she had left; it was exactly how she remembered it. The street she had been placed in under witness protection wasn't that much different, but the brunette still couldn't call it home.
Breaking out of her thoughts, Emily brought her hand up and knocked gently on the door. She had used the key she had the night before, but this time she didn't feel she had the right. As the door slowly opened, Emily held her breath as she waited to look in to blue eyes, but instead was met with the eyes of her son and her mother-in-law.
"Hi Mommy!"
Henry squealed as he ran to her and wrapped his arms around her legs. Emily ran her fingers through his hair, choking up at the thought that she might have never done this again. She didn't care if she was still in danger; there was no way she was missing this any longer.
"Hey baby."
Emily whispered as he pulled back, smiling up at her. The brunette smiled back at him, before picking him up and placing him on her hip. She kissed his cheek as Henry wrapped his arms around his Mom's neck.
"Hello Emily."
Alison greeted her, and Emily nodded as Henry started placing kisses all over her face.
"Hi Alison. Can I come in?"
The brunette asked through the laughter. Alison moved to the side of the door, indicating for Emily to come in. Making her way in to the family room, the former profiler took a seat on the couch, placing Henry on her lap as Alison took a seat next to her.
"I'm not sure whether to be happy you're alive, or angry at you for hurting my daughter."
Alison stated, and Emily did a silent gulp before placing Henry on the floor telling him to play with his toys while the adults talked. As soon as the brunette saw that her son was preoccupied, she turned back to her mother-in-law.
"I can understand that, and I'm sure I would be the same, but I had my reasons. And I hope after I've explained them to JJ, that maybe I could tell you, and you could maybe find a way to accept my decision."
"I'm not sure I'm the one you need to be worried about accepting your decision."
The brunette took in that statement, and she knew it was true. It was JJ that she had to explain everything to first. She knew it was going to be hard, but it was worth it for the outcome. She just wanted her wife to have some closure, to understand why she did it. Emily just wanted the blonde to be happy again, and if she had some help in that, then that would make her happy, and they'd be able to move on with their lives, whether it was together or apart.
"I know, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. Not just to Jennifer, or Henry, but to you too."
Emily said sincerely, before looking at her son. Alison followed her gaze, and let a small smile spread across her face.
"You really missed him, huh?"
"You have no idea."
The former profiler replied without any hesitation before turning her attention back to her mother in law. Sitting here now, she couldn't quite believe how much she had actually missed this, how much she had missed her old life. Because her new life? It didn't even begin to compare to what was here in front of her. Everything, but the one person she wanted to talk to more than anything.
"Where is Jennifer?"
"Um, she's in the bedroom. After you left, she started to drink before she fell asleep. I woke her up and put her in there. God Emily, she is such a mess. She promised Henry that she would spend some time with him today, but instead she resorted to alcohol. I know these are extreme circumstances, but a promise is a promise. I know Jen loves him, but lately she's had a funny way of showing it."
Emily didn't even know what to say to that information. JJ had resorted straight to the alcohol? While their son had been in the house? Garcia and Morgan had mentioned how much alcohol JJ had been drinking, but she didn't know that it had gotten this bad.
"Anyway, I think I'm going to take Henry to the park and give you two a chance to talk. I can imagine there's a lot to discuss."
Alison said, and Emily nodded her head in thanks.
"That would be great, thank you."
The brunette stated sincerely. Alison patted her on the hand before standing up.
"I'll just go and wake her up and tell her you're here."
"Okay."
As her mother in law walked to the bedroom, Emily turned to her son who was smiling up at her again. Beckoning him over, Henry sprinted over and jumped back on her lap. As he wrapped his arms around her, Emily put her nose in his hair, taking in the smell that she had missed so much.
"I told Mom that you would be back, but she didn't believe me."
Henry said quietly. So quiet in fact, that Emily almost struggled to hear him. She turned him to face her, wrapping his legs around her waist, and she put her hands on his cheeks.
"I'm so sorry I left."
Emily whispered, wrapping her arms around him tightly. They stayed like that until Alison walked back in to the room, ready to go out.
"Come and put your shoes on Henry."
The three-year-old boy gave his Mom a kiss on the cheek before clambering off and running towards his Grandma. A few minutes later he was ready, and as Alison guided him to the door, she turned back to Emily.
"Jen will be out in a few minutes, she was just getting herself together."
"Thanks."
Emily replied, returning Henry's wave as they walked out the front door. The brunette could feel her nervousness growing, and her foot started tapping involuntarily. She brought her hands together, finding comfort in it somehow. As Alison said, a few minutes later Emily heard a door close before her wife appeared in front of her. She stood up to give JJ a hug, but the blonde recoiled. Instead she took a seat opposite her, and Emily went back to where she had been sat before. She could feel the distance between them, and she wasn't sure what to say, so she was thankful when JJ spoke up first.
"Hey..."
The blonde whispered, and for a minute Emily thought she looked just like a child. She looked so young sitting in front of her, and now she could clearly see the effects the last 14 months had had on JJ. She looked worn out, there was no glow to her and her usual sparkle had gone. Emily could feel the guilt rising inside of her, but she pushed it aside, wanting to say what she needed too.
"Hi, I hope its okay, but your Mom let me in."
JJ nodded, and instead of staying where she was she decided to move next to the brunette on the couch. Emily took that as a good sign and let out a small sigh of relief.
"Where is she?"
The media liaison asked, not meeting Emily's gaze. If she did, she would give in and kiss her right there and then. But she couldn't, she had to be strong. She wouldn't let the brunette walk back in to their lives like everything was okay. It wasn't, and JJ wasn't sure whether it would ever be okay between them again.
"She took Henry to the park. Wanted to give us some time to talk."
"Ah, okay."
The blonde replied, before an awkward silence transpired between them. Communication had never been a problem between them before, and the longer the silence was, the more uncomfortable JJ felt. She struggled to find something to say, so was pleased when Emily broke it.
"I'm not sure where I should start."
"I'm not even sure I want you to start."
JJ threw back, and she saw the wince on Emily's face. She didn't really know whether she wanted to hear any of it, because her head was all over the place. Her ex-wife was sat in front of her, and she still hadn't gotten over that. How the hell was she supposed to process anything else? She was happy that Emily was alive, she really was, but that didn't come close to the hurt she was feeling.
"Jennifer..."
JJ shook her head.
"You don't get to call me that anymore."
She stated, and she could see the hurt it caused Emily. JJ could almost feel herself starting to feel a little guilty when a tear ran down her former wife's cheek, but she wasn't going to take it back. Emily had been the only one she allowed to call her Jennifer, because from her it had meant something. It was their thing. But now she couldn't stand to hear it from her mouth, she didn't deserve to call her that anymore.
"Okay, I'm sorry."
Emily apologised, and JJ could feel herself starting to give in, but she couldn't. She couldn't deal with anything, she didn't know how.
"Maybe this isn't a good idea."
"Why not?"
The brunette asked confused, and JJ had to take a few seconds to process what she wanted to say. There were things that she needed to say, and she just wanted to get it right. She was a media liaison for god sake, and now she was having problems finding the words. Kind of ironic, in her eyes.
"Because I have all these conflicted emotions. I don't trust myself around you, because even though you left, my feelings never did."
"Well, can't we start from there?"
JJ knew as soon as she said it that Emily might find hope from the statement, but she didn't mean it that way. And the last thing she wanted to do was get Emily's hopes up, and make her think they had a chance of getting back together.
"No, you can't just come back from wherever you've been and expect me to be jumping for joy. At the moment, I hate you and I don't know if I could ever forgive or trust you again."
"You hate me?"
"Yeah, I do. Because for whatever reasons you did it for, you betrayed me. Not only me, but our son too."
And it was the truth, she had made the ultimate betrayal for whatever reasons and that was very had to forgive.
"I know. Do you know how hard it was to leave? It was the last thing I wanted to do."
"Then why do it?"
"Because I had no choice, that's why."
JJ recoiled at the bluntness of Emily's tone. It was angry, but it wasn't aimed at her. Emily was aiming it at herself, and as the brunette let out a big sigh, JJ felt herself start to soften. But then she remembered Henry, and how he had been when his Mommy had left. The little boy didn't understand what had happened, and even thought it had been because of him. But Henry had been pleased to see her, and JJ couldn't blame him for it but she couldn't be the same. She wouldn't.
"You always have a choice."
The blonde stated, and it was true. Emily wasn't forced to leave; she had made a choice, the wrong choice.
"No, you don't. If you had the same choice, I'm pretty sure you would have done exactly the same thing."
"If you think that, then you really don't know me very well."
"We both know that's not true."
JJ took in that statement, sighing as she realised that Emily was the person who knew her better than anyone else. Before they had even started dating, they had been best friends, which had been good. They already knew each other well, which meant they were able to skip past the dating part and straight in to a relationship. They both knew what they wanted; they weren't going to risk their jobs and their friendship for a fling. The couple knew they could have a future together, and now six years later here they were. Both of them sitting, staring at the floor not knowing what to say. But JJ thought she owed it to their relationship to hear what Emily had to say.
"Okay, I'll listen to what you have to say. Start by telling me where you've been for the last year and a half."
A small smile spread across Emily's face at the chance to talk, and JJ almost smiled back before she stopped herself.
"I've been in witness protection."
JJ looked up at Emily, a startled expression on her face. That was the last thing she had been expecting to hear.
"What?"
The blonde asked, wanting Emily to repeat herself to make sure she had heard her right. She knew what witness protection was, hell the BAU had put people there for their own safety. But she never thought that's where Emily had been. She thought that maybe her wife had run off with another woman.
"For the past 14 months, I've been living as Regina Murray in witness protection."
"I don't understand."
"I know, it took a while for me to get my head around it."
JJ put her hand up, gesturing to give her a few minutes. All sorts of questions were running through her head, and she wasn't sure where to start. But she started with the first one that popped in to her head.
"Why were you put in witness protection?"
She asked, waiting for Emily's answer.
"To cut a long story short, I witnessed a murder and I was called to testify against the suspect. He started sending me threatening letters, telling me that he would have you and Henry and killed. Remember that letter you got? The one that said 'I'm watching you?'"
JJ nodded. The blonde remembered it well, it had confused her to no end, and when she had shown it to Emily, she had shrugged it off as an obsessed fan that had seen JJ on TV. The media liaison had agreed, so therefore had forgotten all about it.
"Well that was from him."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because I didn't want to worry you, I wanted you and Henry to live your lives as normal without worrying about me."
The blonde could believe that, as Emily was the most selfless person she had ever met. She was always willing to do things for other people, even if it meant putting her own safety first. But JJ still couldn't shake the anger at the fact that Emily hadn't said anything to her. They were a partnership, they were supposed to work through things together, or so she thought.
"I would have been there for you, if you'd talked to me."
"I know, I'm sorry. Anyway, the day I left, I got shot in the shoulder, and all I could think about was what if it had been you? Or Henry? And if it had been, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. So I spoke to Hotch about witness protection."
"Hang on a second, you spoke to Hotch?"
That statement threw JJ. Hotch had known about Emily? The blonde couldn't believe it; she thought that she and Hotch were close. Her son had even stayed around his house when JJ needed some time alone. He had done so much for her; he had been her support unit, and now this?
"Um, yeah...he contacted the programme."
"You told Hotch, and you didn't tell your wife?"
JJ could feel herself getting angrier by the minute. Why did Emily feel she could tell Hotch and not her? Was their relationship really that bad that her wife couldn't tell her about it? That she couldn't trust her with it?
"I couldn't tell you! I couldn't stand to see you in danger, so I did what I had to do. I needed to know you were safe, so I faked my own death so those men would back off."
Emily shouted, and JJ could feel her defences going up. Standing up, she met the gaze of Emily who had stood just a couple of minutes before. Now on a level playing field, JJ decided to let rip, to let her anger show.
"If you'd talked to me about it, we could have found a way! We could have even come with you! You don't just leave your family behind when you're supposed to love them!"
JJ saw Emily recoil at the statement. The blonde would have followed her wife anywhere, she loved her that much, and she thought that she loved them. Obviously the media liaison's love was much stronger than Emily's. And that was probably the one thing that hurt more than anything. The only thing that hurt more than finding all this out was when she was told that Emily had died.
"I didn't want to uproot you and Henry. You have a life here."
"I had a life, until you left me!"
"I know, and I'm so sorry."
The blonde was seething, but she calmed when she heard Emily whisper her apology. Seeing the look on her face, she just wanted to wrap her up and never let go.
"I can't believe Hotch knew. He was the one that told me you were dead. He lied to me! And he's known where you've been this entire time and never told me!"
JJ thought back to that moment, when Hotch had told her that Emily had died. Thinking back, he had said it so calmly and with no emotion, but she thought that was just Hotch being strong for her and the team. But now she knew it was because he knew that Emily was alive. He wasn't going to cry because someone was alive, was he? How had she not picked that up? She was almost a profiler, for god's sake. But saying that none of the others knew, or so she thought anyway, but she didn't know what to believe anymore.
"I told him not too, I wanted you to move on, to move on without me for your sake and for Henry."
"You think I could move on? I lost the love of my life and I was supposed to move on?"
There was no way that JJ was able to move on. Emily was her soul mate, she was her life, and without her she didn't feel like she could carry on, but she had to for Henry. So she had dealt with things her own way.
"I wanted you to be happy!"
"I was happy! With you and Henry! How was I supposed to be happy without you? You were my life; I would have done anything for you. I would have come with you!"
"I didn't want you too!"
That statement shocked her, and she sat back on the couch to absorb it. She could feel the tears streaming down her cheeks, and as she looked up to Emily, she found the brunette was crying too, before she wiped away her tears.
"What?"
JJ whispered. Emily didn't want her to go with her? Did she really not want to be her that much that she had to leave?
"Well I did, but I wanted you to carry on as normal too."
"Normal? What the hell is normal nowadays?"
The blonde hated normal, normal was boring. Every day with Emily had been exciting, and she knew if she had been normal and settled down with a husband, 2.4 children and a dog, she wouldn't have been happy. She would have been bored, doing the same mundane thing every day of her life. With Emily that was never the case, and if she had to choose Emily over 'normal', she would every time without a doubt.
"I'm sorry."
Emily whispered, joining JJ back down on the couch. Another question popped up in the blonde's mind.
"Why did you come back?"
The media liaison asked, and Emily turned to her. The anger was gone from JJ's voice, and for that the brunette was relieved. She hated it when JJ was angry, but she knew she deserved it. After all, she had disappeared without a word for 14 months. She didn't expect a party or anything when she had come back.
"Hotch called me, told me you had gone off the rails."
"Hotch called you?"
"Yeah, he was worried about you."
As soon as Hotch had called her, Emily had heard the worry running through his voice. So she had stopped what she had been doing in the office she had been working in, and just listened as he told her what JJ had been up to. Her former boss didn't like to show emotion, so hearing him so worried; she knew she had no other choice.
"I can't believe this. How often has he been talking to you?"
JJ was angry again, and Emily almost wished she hadn't brought up Hotch knowing where she had been.
"About once a fortnight. He would phone my handler then they would put him through. He kept me updated on how you and Henry were doing."
"Why would he do that?"
"Because I asked him too. I never stopped worrying about you, and when he told me that you'd be drinking-"
"Don't. You don't get to criticize me for how I handled it. I thought you had died!"
JJ stood again, and she started pacing. Emily followed her with her eyes. She wasn't sure how she would have been if it had been the other way round, and she didn't really want to think about it. But she couldn't blame JJ for being so angry.
"I know, and I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to call you and tell you that I was alive, and that I still loved you, but I wasn't allowed. I'm not even supposed to be here now, but I needed to see you. You and Henry. I'm here to stay this time; I'm not going to run away again."
Emily said with conviction and she meant every word. She was done running. She wasn't going to let those bastards win again.
"I don't know how I'm going to even start processing this. And then there's Henry. How do I even start explaining things to him?"
"Would it help if I did it?"
"Maybe. I don't know...I don't even know where to start, or what I'm supposed to do..."
"That's okay, I know it's a lot to take in. But I just want you to know I've never stopped loving you. I thought about you every single day."
Emily could see JJ was starting to soften as she stopped pacing and stood in front of her. But as soon as she did her expression hardened again.
"I can't do this, I can't listen to this. None of it matters, because you betrayed me."
The brunette didn't know what to say; she just wanted to make things okay again, no matter how long it took. She wanted her life back, and now looking at JJ, she knew it was going to be a hard journey but JJ was worth it.
"Jennifer..."
"I told you not to call me that! You don't have the right anymore."
"I'm sorry."
"I need to go, I need some air."
"Okay, okay. Do you mind if I stay here until Henry gets back? It's just I really want to spend some time with him."
She had missed the little boy so much, and all she wanted to do was spend as much time with him as she could. Emily had missed the last 14 months of his life, she wasn't going to miss anymore.
"Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore."
They both knew that wasn't true, Emily could see it in JJ's face. There was still love and affection there, but anger was overruling all of that and Emily couldn't blame her for it. As JJ pulled on a coat, the brunette wondered how she could have ever left this beautiful woman in front of her, because at that moment, she had never been so in love with JJ. Absence really did make the heart grow fonder.
"Okay, thank you."
"Don't thank me; just don't let him down again. He's already lost you once, don't let it happen again."
JJ said, pointing a finger in Emily's direction. The brunette shook her head hard; dismissing the idea that she would ever let him down again.
"I won't, and I won't let you down again either."
"We'll see."
JJ muttered, before walking out of the door, leaving Emily standing there in their former family home. And as that thought hit home, that she maybe wouldn't ever be able to call it her home again, Emily let the tears fall.