Beautiful Disaster
Title: Beautiful Disaster 1/2
Author: Maggsie! (me)
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: 15
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of the characters
Spoilers: None
AN: This was written because darkbardzero ordered me to write! But thanks!
AN2: This is pretty personal to me
Summary: When JJ's insecurities arise, can Emily help her get past them and move on?
“Where have you been?”
JJ demanded as soon as Emily had walked through the front door. She’d had enough of the lies, she’d been there with Will; she wasn’t going to do the same thing with Emily. Will had cheated on her after a year of marriage, a colleague that he worked with and JJ had only found out when she had come home from a case early. What had made it worse was that Henry had been in the house while he was having sex with her in their marital bed.
After she had chucked Will out, herself and Emily had got closer. They had been best friends when JJ was married, but the divorce had changed their connection. It had gone to friends to lovers six months after she had left Will, and things had developed. They were now living together and Emily treated Henry like he was her own. She couldn’t have asked for anything more in a partner. They were happy or so JJ thought they were but she wasn’t going to be a door mat anymore.
The brunette wasn’t quite sure what was going on, she’d never seen the younger woman this angry before. She was pacing back and forth across the living room as Emily stayed by the front door.
"What do you mean, where have I been? I had errands to run, you know that.”
Emily stepped towards JJ, reaching an arm out to stop her from pacing, but she jerked her arm away from the contact, and Emily frowned. She had never seen the blonde like this, apart from the night she had found Will with someone else and she had kicked him out.
“Baby, what’s going on?”
“Don’t lie to me Em, don’t you dare lie to me!”
JJ shouted as she turned to face her and Emily could see the tears streaming down her face. She didn’t have the faintest idea what was going on, but she hated seeing JJ upset and all she wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything was okay, and that nothing was wrong.
“Jayj, you need to calm down. Can we please sit down and talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?”
Emily went to sit on the couch as she waited for JJ to follow her, but she stayed stood up, carrying on the pacing. The brunette sighed, and ran a hand through her hair, trying to figure out in her head what she had done wrong, but she couldn’t think of anything. All she had done was go and run some errands, and she had told JJ that before she had left. How things could change in a couple of hours.
“I don’t want to fucking sit down.”
JJ snarled, and Emily frowned at her girlfriends’ tone. She had never spoken to her like that before. When they had arguments, there would be a bit of shouting, followed then by talking it through after one of them had realised how stupid they had been. They were both passionate people, so arguments were regular, but it kept up the intensity between them, which they both loved.
“Okay, that’s okay. Can you just please tell me what’s going on, so I can try and understand why you’re so angry and upset.”
JJ let out a heavy sigh and turned to face her girlfriend. She nearly backed down when she saw the confused look on the brunette’s face but she had to see it through. She could feel the anger running through her veins, almost making her shake, and she was desperately hard trying not to cry, as she couldn’t believe it was happening again.
“You’ve been disappearing unexpectedly for weeks. Not telling me where you’re going, and then last night I found out that you had the day off a couple of days ago but didn’t tell me. And I had to find that out through Hotch, when he asked me if you’d enjoyed the vacation. But here you are lying through your teeth. I bet you didn’t have any errands to run today as we did them both together at the weekend. So what is it, Emily? Off fucking some slut I expect, what am I not enough for you? Do I not satisfy you enough, that you have to look elsewhere? I thought you were different!”
JJ couldn’t help letting the tears fall, Emily was the love of her life. Her heart felt like it had been pulled out and stamped on over and over again. She thought she was different, after their first date Emily had treated her like a princess and that had never changed. JJ thought they were a family.
“Can you keep your voice down; you’re going to wake Henry.”
Emily asked as she looked down the hall to Henry’s room. He had just turned 3 and everyone said that he had so many characteristics of Emily in him, even if he did look like JJ. The brunette had never thought she would have kids, but now she couldn’t think of it being any other way. She completely adored him, and it was returned.
“He’s not here, he’s with Garcia. Now can you answer my fucking question?!”
The brunette looked up at her girlfriend, and let out a huge sigh, not liking where this argument was going. She wasn’t sure if she could see a light at the end of it, and that scared her. With a tear in her eye, she met blue eyes.
“You think I’ve been cheating on you?”
Emily asked shakily, as she wiped away the tear that had fallen down her cheek. JJ was still crying, but she also looked so angry. The brunette wasn’t sure she would ever be able to get that look out of her head.
“What are you deaf as well as unfaithful?”
JJ replied bitterly. Emily couldn’t believe she was hearing this, she had never been unfaithful in her life, and she certainly wasn’t going to start now. JJ was her world, and she wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. She knew about Will, she had helped the blonde through it; she had seen how much it had broken her. Emily wouldn’t wish that on her worst enemy, which is why it was so unreal that JJ was accusing her of the same thing that dick had done.
“I can’t believe you’d ever think I’d cheat on you. Do I not make it clear enough about how much I love you? You and Henry. God JJ, you have no idea. I would do anything for you.”
And she would. She would jump in front of a gun for either of them; she’d give her life so that they were safe. Emily had told her mother about them from the start, knowing she wouldn’t approve. But JJ and Henry were everything to her, and she thought she showed JJ that every day, obviously she was wrong.
“Then where the hell have you been going? You lied to me Em! There have been messages left on our house phone from strange women! What the hell am I supposed to think?”
A low chuckle came from Emily’s throat, as she drew her back. She was upset at being accused but now she was also pissed off.
“You’re supposed to trust me for fucks sake! How stupid do you think I am? If I was cheating do you honestly think I’d then let them phone the house phone where you could find out?”
Emily saw JJ’s face soften, but the adrenaline was now pumping through her veins. Didn’t JJ have any trust in her at all? Did she really think she was that type of person? The same sort of person as Will? The more she thought about it, the more she was disgusted with the idea that JJ could think that of her. It made her feel physically sick.
“Then what were the messages?”
“Appointments.”
Emily mumbled just loud enough that JJ could hear her. The blonde started pacing again as the tears started to flow freely from both of them. Emily put her elbows on her knees and rested her head in her hands, softly shaking her head. She couldn’t believe this was happening.
“What sort of appointments?”
JJ asked, quirking an eyebrow and crossing her arms across her stomach, stopping the pacing again, as Emily looked up again.
“I’ve been planning things, okay? Remember it’s your birthday in a couple of days; I was trying to make some plans for it. Do something special. Obviously it looks like that’s ruined now. I can’t believe this.”
Emily dropped her head in her hands again as JJ looked down at her, in shock. Everything was starting to make sense, why she had immediately jumped to the worst scenario. Emily was different, and now there was a possibility she had ruined everything. It broke her heart to see her girlfriend so devastated. She couldn’t believe she had ever thought it, she knew she was nothing like Will and that Emily loved her. It made her stomach flip, knowing she could have destroyed everything between them and their family with it.
“Baby, I’m sorry. But you have to think of things from my point of view. Will cheated on me. He left me very insecure, but you helped to rebuild that. But those paranoid feelings have never gone away, I suppose.”
JJ explained, as she took a seat next to the brunette on the couch.
“You should know I’m different. You should trust me! I would never do anything like that to you, I saw what he did to you, and I hated seeing you like that. ”
Emily explained as she turned her head to look at JJ who had leaned back with her head on the back of the couch. There was a moment of silence before the blonde finally spoke up again, as she whispered quietly.
“I do trust you.”
“No you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t accuse me of such ridiculous things. Do you know what it feels like to be thought of as a cheater? You’ve put me in the same bracket as Will. I mean, come on!”
“I know, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I know you would never do that.”
JJ spoke quietly, as she turned to her girlfriend, tears streaming down both of their eyes. She couldn’t believe she had ever doubted the brunette. Emily turned to look at her too, and sighed gently as a few minutes of silence fell between them, only the quiet sniffles from both of them could be heard.
“You know what, I’m done. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t trust me.”
Emily said suddenly, shocking herself by what had come out from her mouth. It’s what she had been thinking, and now it had been said out loud. The blonde’s head snapped to look at Emily.
“What?”
JJ asked in disbelief, not believing what she was hearing. Emily was it for her, all she could see when she thought of the brunette, was a future between them. Marriage and maybe a couple more kids.
“I can’t be with you. I’m sorry."
Emily stated more confidently, wiping away her tears as she looked away from JJ, not wanting to see the look on her face. The look she had put there.
“Em, I know you don’t mean that.”
JJ reached out and grabbed hold of the brunette’s hand, her thumb caressing the top of it, and she sighed with relief when Emily didn’t pull back. The profiler could feel the tears stinging her eyes.
“We’ve been together 18 months, you’re my life.”
“Yeah, and you’re mine but I have to, I’m sorry. You don’t trust me; we can’t have a relationship if there is no trust there. It’s the foundation of every relationship. I love you but I can’t stay here, I’m sorry.”
Emily pulled her hand out of JJ’s and headed towards the bedroom, to pack up a few things. JJ didn’t stop the sob that rose up her throat as she slid of the couch and on to the floor. She bent her knees up, as the sobs shook through her. She put her face in her arms, not wanting to watch Emily leaving.
A few minutes later she heard Emily enter the family room, and she tried to choke back the tears.
“I’m sorry JJ, I really am. I’ll be round Morgan’s. Give Henry a kiss for me. I love you.”
Emily whispered, and JJ covered her ears with her hands as Emily walked out of their house, maybe out of her life, for good.
Author: Maggsie! (me)
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: 15
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of the characters
Spoilers: None
AN: This was written because darkbardzero ordered me to write! But thanks!
AN2: This is pretty personal to me
Summary: When JJ's insecurities arise, can Emily help her get past them and move on?
“Where have you been?”
JJ demanded as soon as Emily had walked through the front door. She’d had enough of the lies, she’d been there with Will; she wasn’t going to do the same thing with Emily. Will had cheated on her after a year of marriage, a colleague that he worked with and JJ had only found out when she had come home from a case early. What had made it worse was that Henry had been in the house while he was having sex with her in their marital bed.
After she had chucked Will out, herself and Emily had got closer. They had been best friends when JJ was married, but the divorce had changed their connection. It had gone to friends to lovers six months after she had left Will, and things had developed. They were now living together and Emily treated Henry like he was her own. She couldn’t have asked for anything more in a partner. They were happy or so JJ thought they were but she wasn’t going to be a door mat anymore.
The brunette wasn’t quite sure what was going on, she’d never seen the younger woman this angry before. She was pacing back and forth across the living room as Emily stayed by the front door.
"What do you mean, where have I been? I had errands to run, you know that.”
Emily stepped towards JJ, reaching an arm out to stop her from pacing, but she jerked her arm away from the contact, and Emily frowned. She had never seen the blonde like this, apart from the night she had found Will with someone else and she had kicked him out.
“Baby, what’s going on?”
“Don’t lie to me Em, don’t you dare lie to me!”
JJ shouted as she turned to face her and Emily could see the tears streaming down her face. She didn’t have the faintest idea what was going on, but she hated seeing JJ upset and all she wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything was okay, and that nothing was wrong.
“Jayj, you need to calm down. Can we please sit down and talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you?”
Emily went to sit on the couch as she waited for JJ to follow her, but she stayed stood up, carrying on the pacing. The brunette sighed, and ran a hand through her hair, trying to figure out in her head what she had done wrong, but she couldn’t think of anything. All she had done was go and run some errands, and she had told JJ that before she had left. How things could change in a couple of hours.
“I don’t want to fucking sit down.”
JJ snarled, and Emily frowned at her girlfriends’ tone. She had never spoken to her like that before. When they had arguments, there would be a bit of shouting, followed then by talking it through after one of them had realised how stupid they had been. They were both passionate people, so arguments were regular, but it kept up the intensity between them, which they both loved.
“Okay, that’s okay. Can you just please tell me what’s going on, so I can try and understand why you’re so angry and upset.”
JJ let out a heavy sigh and turned to face her girlfriend. She nearly backed down when she saw the confused look on the brunette’s face but she had to see it through. She could feel the anger running through her veins, almost making her shake, and she was desperately hard trying not to cry, as she couldn’t believe it was happening again.
“You’ve been disappearing unexpectedly for weeks. Not telling me where you’re going, and then last night I found out that you had the day off a couple of days ago but didn’t tell me. And I had to find that out through Hotch, when he asked me if you’d enjoyed the vacation. But here you are lying through your teeth. I bet you didn’t have any errands to run today as we did them both together at the weekend. So what is it, Emily? Off fucking some slut I expect, what am I not enough for you? Do I not satisfy you enough, that you have to look elsewhere? I thought you were different!”
JJ couldn’t help letting the tears fall, Emily was the love of her life. Her heart felt like it had been pulled out and stamped on over and over again. She thought she was different, after their first date Emily had treated her like a princess and that had never changed. JJ thought they were a family.
“Can you keep your voice down; you’re going to wake Henry.”
Emily asked as she looked down the hall to Henry’s room. He had just turned 3 and everyone said that he had so many characteristics of Emily in him, even if he did look like JJ. The brunette had never thought she would have kids, but now she couldn’t think of it being any other way. She completely adored him, and it was returned.
“He’s not here, he’s with Garcia. Now can you answer my fucking question?!”
The brunette looked up at her girlfriend, and let out a huge sigh, not liking where this argument was going. She wasn’t sure if she could see a light at the end of it, and that scared her. With a tear in her eye, she met blue eyes.
“You think I’ve been cheating on you?”
Emily asked shakily, as she wiped away the tear that had fallen down her cheek. JJ was still crying, but she also looked so angry. The brunette wasn’t sure she would ever be able to get that look out of her head.
“What are you deaf as well as unfaithful?”
JJ replied bitterly. Emily couldn’t believe she was hearing this, she had never been unfaithful in her life, and she certainly wasn’t going to start now. JJ was her world, and she wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. She knew about Will, she had helped the blonde through it; she had seen how much it had broken her. Emily wouldn’t wish that on her worst enemy, which is why it was so unreal that JJ was accusing her of the same thing that dick had done.
“I can’t believe you’d ever think I’d cheat on you. Do I not make it clear enough about how much I love you? You and Henry. God JJ, you have no idea. I would do anything for you.”
And she would. She would jump in front of a gun for either of them; she’d give her life so that they were safe. Emily had told her mother about them from the start, knowing she wouldn’t approve. But JJ and Henry were everything to her, and she thought she showed JJ that every day, obviously she was wrong.
“Then where the hell have you been going? You lied to me Em! There have been messages left on our house phone from strange women! What the hell am I supposed to think?”
A low chuckle came from Emily’s throat, as she drew her back. She was upset at being accused but now she was also pissed off.
“You’re supposed to trust me for fucks sake! How stupid do you think I am? If I was cheating do you honestly think I’d then let them phone the house phone where you could find out?”
Emily saw JJ’s face soften, but the adrenaline was now pumping through her veins. Didn’t JJ have any trust in her at all? Did she really think she was that type of person? The same sort of person as Will? The more she thought about it, the more she was disgusted with the idea that JJ could think that of her. It made her feel physically sick.
“Then what were the messages?”
“Appointments.”
Emily mumbled just loud enough that JJ could hear her. The blonde started pacing again as the tears started to flow freely from both of them. Emily put her elbows on her knees and rested her head in her hands, softly shaking her head. She couldn’t believe this was happening.
“What sort of appointments?”
JJ asked, quirking an eyebrow and crossing her arms across her stomach, stopping the pacing again, as Emily looked up again.
“I’ve been planning things, okay? Remember it’s your birthday in a couple of days; I was trying to make some plans for it. Do something special. Obviously it looks like that’s ruined now. I can’t believe this.”
Emily dropped her head in her hands again as JJ looked down at her, in shock. Everything was starting to make sense, why she had immediately jumped to the worst scenario. Emily was different, and now there was a possibility she had ruined everything. It broke her heart to see her girlfriend so devastated. She couldn’t believe she had ever thought it, she knew she was nothing like Will and that Emily loved her. It made her stomach flip, knowing she could have destroyed everything between them and their family with it.
“Baby, I’m sorry. But you have to think of things from my point of view. Will cheated on me. He left me very insecure, but you helped to rebuild that. But those paranoid feelings have never gone away, I suppose.”
JJ explained, as she took a seat next to the brunette on the couch.
“You should know I’m different. You should trust me! I would never do anything like that to you, I saw what he did to you, and I hated seeing you like that. ”
Emily explained as she turned her head to look at JJ who had leaned back with her head on the back of the couch. There was a moment of silence before the blonde finally spoke up again, as she whispered quietly.
“I do trust you.”
“No you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t accuse me of such ridiculous things. Do you know what it feels like to be thought of as a cheater? You’ve put me in the same bracket as Will. I mean, come on!”
“I know, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I know you would never do that.”
JJ spoke quietly, as she turned to her girlfriend, tears streaming down both of their eyes. She couldn’t believe she had ever doubted the brunette. Emily turned to look at her too, and sighed gently as a few minutes of silence fell between them, only the quiet sniffles from both of them could be heard.
“You know what, I’m done. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t trust me.”
Emily said suddenly, shocking herself by what had come out from her mouth. It’s what she had been thinking, and now it had been said out loud. The blonde’s head snapped to look at Emily.
“What?”
JJ asked in disbelief, not believing what she was hearing. Emily was it for her, all she could see when she thought of the brunette, was a future between them. Marriage and maybe a couple more kids.
“I can’t be with you. I’m sorry."
Emily stated more confidently, wiping away her tears as she looked away from JJ, not wanting to see the look on her face. The look she had put there.
“Em, I know you don’t mean that.”
JJ reached out and grabbed hold of the brunette’s hand, her thumb caressing the top of it, and she sighed with relief when Emily didn’t pull back. The profiler could feel the tears stinging her eyes.
“We’ve been together 18 months, you’re my life.”
“Yeah, and you’re mine but I have to, I’m sorry. You don’t trust me; we can’t have a relationship if there is no trust there. It’s the foundation of every relationship. I love you but I can’t stay here, I’m sorry.”
Emily pulled her hand out of JJ’s and headed towards the bedroom, to pack up a few things. JJ didn’t stop the sob that rose up her throat as she slid of the couch and on to the floor. She bent her knees up, as the sobs shook through her. She put her face in her arms, not wanting to watch Emily leaving.
A few minutes later she heard Emily enter the family room, and she tried to choke back the tears.
“I’m sorry JJ, I really am. I’ll be round Morgan’s. Give Henry a kiss for me. I love you.”
Emily whispered, and JJ covered her ears with her hands as Emily walked out of their house, maybe out of her life, for good.