Last Thursday
Well.....last thursday.....i did something that i've been meaning to do for a long time.
A kind of "precursor" to what I plan to do tomorrow. Small moves. See if I was ready. And well....last thursday was very revealing.
I experienced many things. But moreover...I now know my own mind better than i EVER have. And there is still MUCH MUCH more to go. A lot more to figure out about me.
The first half showed me the possibilities. All the amazing and wonderful things that are possible within my own little universe. And man.......For a split second...i think i saw god. Saw. From afar. And it was most definitly a woman. And it was very nice. And then...from somewhere else....a kind of warning: something along the lines of "Since you are so intent on finding out the truth and "knowing thyself"......take a look at this."
And the second half showed me everything that was holding me back. And it was horrible. It was sheer hell. Every fear. Every doubt. Every subcontious routine that has limited my potential was highlighted in sheer horidness. Chaos. But of my own mind. And i didn't know where the hell "I" was anymore. But...it was in this mindset that i learned so much about myself. What i need to change. The things I can't change that I must find ways of constructivly dealing with. My basic fundimental nature. My basic fundimental fears. My self.
I have much to work on. But my experience has made me somewhat more of a walking paradox. You see....i'm really huge into philosophy. This entire "existance" thing has NEVER set well with me and i keep tearing my own mind apart in a feeble attempt to finally find out what the hell is going on. And quite frankly, it's driving me insane. To literal madness. It's not very constructive....but i have to do it. But that's beside the point. In all of my searching...At first through Religion, then through Science, then through "witchcraft" (for lack of a better term for psychology of mindset)....the ONLY truths i've found which are "sure and tested" and fundimental.....are in and of themselves paradoxical.
They disprove themselves. Kind of like what happens when an unstoppable stone meets an unbreakable wall. Or science and rationality being the unimportant things to a vital existance. and a vital existance being foolish and the wrong way to go about living. Kind of like existance itself. It's all a giant paradox.
And last thursday is no exception. I've found out that when it comes to so-called "witchcraft", i've only touched the surface of the possibilities. For better and for worse. That and the human mind is a vast ocean of possibility. And yet infinitlly simple. And i have had the privilge of seeing my moods and basic psychology presented before my rational mind...even if that rational mind was very incapasitated.
I have spent the entire week diving deep into my own workings. And I have found out so many things. But moreover....after last week. I am more an Atheist now than EVER before. Yet...PARADOXICALLY.....I believe in a God. Not "do this don't do that" god. Not a God who is concerned with human affairs and shapes this world for some story-book purpose.....no.....I don't know what the fuck it was. But it was deep. and it worked both within the parameters of the physical world we see and the worlds we have inside ourselves. It was...deep and...brief. i didn't really experience it for that long. It's more of a feeling on this side of the looking glass.
But. What last thursday has brought into close focus are my fears. And it's amazing how all child-based we are.
Which is why....when tomorrow comes...i shall take my own advice and go against the grain for my first time here. Normally....you are supposed to be with someone. That won't work for me. Not until i learn to change my moods and associations and irrationalities and fears more effeciently.
I must do this alone.
Tomorrow....I go through the looking glass all the way.
Tomorrow.....is a good day to die.
Memento Mori.
(DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT GOING TO LITERALLY PHYSICALLY DIE. I WILL EXPERIENCE THE CLOSEST THING A HUMAN CAN COME TO DYING WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING SO) (CHILL) (I WILL EXPLAIN LATER)
A kind of "precursor" to what I plan to do tomorrow. Small moves. See if I was ready. And well....last thursday was very revealing.
I experienced many things. But moreover...I now know my own mind better than i EVER have. And there is still MUCH MUCH more to go. A lot more to figure out about me.
The first half showed me the possibilities. All the amazing and wonderful things that are possible within my own little universe. And man.......For a split second...i think i saw god. Saw. From afar. And it was most definitly a woman. And it was very nice. And then...from somewhere else....a kind of warning: something along the lines of "Since you are so intent on finding out the truth and "knowing thyself"......take a look at this."
And the second half showed me everything that was holding me back. And it was horrible. It was sheer hell. Every fear. Every doubt. Every subcontious routine that has limited my potential was highlighted in sheer horidness. Chaos. But of my own mind. And i didn't know where the hell "I" was anymore. But...it was in this mindset that i learned so much about myself. What i need to change. The things I can't change that I must find ways of constructivly dealing with. My basic fundimental nature. My basic fundimental fears. My self.
I have much to work on. But my experience has made me somewhat more of a walking paradox. You see....i'm really huge into philosophy. This entire "existance" thing has NEVER set well with me and i keep tearing my own mind apart in a feeble attempt to finally find out what the hell is going on. And quite frankly, it's driving me insane. To literal madness. It's not very constructive....but i have to do it. But that's beside the point. In all of my searching...At first through Religion, then through Science, then through "witchcraft" (for lack of a better term for psychology of mindset)....the ONLY truths i've found which are "sure and tested" and fundimental.....are in and of themselves paradoxical.
They disprove themselves. Kind of like what happens when an unstoppable stone meets an unbreakable wall. Or science and rationality being the unimportant things to a vital existance. and a vital existance being foolish and the wrong way to go about living. Kind of like existance itself. It's all a giant paradox.
And last thursday is no exception. I've found out that when it comes to so-called "witchcraft", i've only touched the surface of the possibilities. For better and for worse. That and the human mind is a vast ocean of possibility. And yet infinitlly simple. And i have had the privilge of seeing my moods and basic psychology presented before my rational mind...even if that rational mind was very incapasitated.
I have spent the entire week diving deep into my own workings. And I have found out so many things. But moreover....after last week. I am more an Atheist now than EVER before. Yet...PARADOXICALLY.....I believe in a God. Not "do this don't do that" god. Not a God who is concerned with human affairs and shapes this world for some story-book purpose.....no.....I don't know what the fuck it was. But it was deep. and it worked both within the parameters of the physical world we see and the worlds we have inside ourselves. It was...deep and...brief. i didn't really experience it for that long. It's more of a feeling on this side of the looking glass.
But. What last thursday has brought into close focus are my fears. And it's amazing how all child-based we are.
Which is why....when tomorrow comes...i shall take my own advice and go against the grain for my first time here. Normally....you are supposed to be with someone. That won't work for me. Not until i learn to change my moods and associations and irrationalities and fears more effeciently.
I must do this alone.
Tomorrow....I go through the looking glass all the way.
Tomorrow.....is a good day to die.
Memento Mori.
(DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT GOING TO LITERALLY PHYSICALLY DIE. I WILL EXPERIENCE THE CLOSEST THING A HUMAN CAN COME TO DYING WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING SO) (CHILL) (I WILL EXPLAIN LATER)