Grad school woes
So, I think I know what my problem is. It's all insecurity. I've been studying and doing physics for 10 years now. I really like playing around in the lab and screwing around with electronics and signals and noise and lasers. But, the problem is that I feel insecure. I've been doing it so long but I just don't feel like I'm ready to be out there on my own doing research. But, that's the point I need to be reaching, where I have my own ideas and can solve my own problems. This is the point that always scared me, but as a student I didn't really think about it much. Now I'm needing to graduate. To graduate I need to basically be the world's expert on my experiment. Am I the world's expert on my experiment? I think I probably know more than I give myself credit, but I also have a terrible memory and it scared me to have to stand up there and defend my work against the onslaught of insane scientists. Most are ok, but some are such arrogant A-holes. I've toyed with the idea of wearing my Taekwondo uniform to my thesis defense. I mean, it's a defense right? If I have to defend myself, I need to be prepared :)
Ok, well, just getting my neuroses out in the open so everyone can make fun of me for being nuts. I wonder if men feel this way? Women tend to judge themselves much harsher than men. If only there were I happy medium and I was right there. Grad school, argh! I just wish I could be in some physicists head and really see what they say about me. I got a very nice email from my retired adviser (wonderful person and scientist) who said I'm very talented. Do adviser's always say that about their students? I feel like you have to, to keep the student's spirit up so they can continue the long, grueling process. But, on the other hand, I'm sure he wouldn't say that if he thought I'm an idiot. I guess it doesn't matter how good I am, as long as I enjoy myself. But I'm a nutty person who has trouble enjoying it if I'm not sure I'm any good at it. Oh well, just stop being crazy me, please stop being crazy.
I'm tired. Stupid insomnia. Hope to get some sleep tonight.
Ok, well, just getting my neuroses out in the open so everyone can make fun of me for being nuts. I wonder if men feel this way? Women tend to judge themselves much harsher than men. If only there were I happy medium and I was right there. Grad school, argh! I just wish I could be in some physicists head and really see what they say about me. I got a very nice email from my retired adviser (wonderful person and scientist) who said I'm very talented. Do adviser's always say that about their students? I feel like you have to, to keep the student's spirit up so they can continue the long, grueling process. But, on the other hand, I'm sure he wouldn't say that if he thought I'm an idiot. I guess it doesn't matter how good I am, as long as I enjoy myself. But I'm a nutty person who has trouble enjoying it if I'm not sure I'm any good at it. Oh well, just stop being crazy me, please stop being crazy.
I'm tired. Stupid insomnia. Hope to get some sleep tonight.