This is gonna be long random and angry, you have been warned
I wish that sometimes... I understood myself. Sometimes I feel like I know everything and nothing about me.
So, here I am in SC, sitting alone in a room in the dark, which in my life seems to be the norm. I started to think about my future, when I graduate, where will I go. Will I have someone to go with me? Or will I stay put and everyone else go without me.
I have told myself that when I graduate I will go to wherever I find the best job. And as with college, I will stick to that. It just so happened when it came to college the best college I got into was local, and my best friend also went there. So it happened that it all worked out well. Also, all of my other good friends stayed local as well.
My friend Karl did a term abroad in Vietnam, and he decided to stay a little longer. Now here I am sitting around, missing hanging out with me, him, nate, and elliot. Granted, we never did anything too special, just hung around and played games and just B.S.'ed the time away. But it was great fun and i can't wait to do it again.
So, I was lucky that college didn't really change that too much, but who knows what could happen after that.
I am 21 years old and I feel like I have been alive for a week and an eternity at the same time. I don't know what it is, 1/4th ideally atleast of my life is over and done with. But what have I accomplished? Nothin much. I am no one special and not any more intelligent then the next person. Great, I got RPI and to some people that means I am smarter then the average person and what not and all that shit. Whatever, so I am a fuck up that has not accomplished anything, and has to work my ass off for what I have, but I am only 21 and have a lot of time left to change things and for my life to improve. Lets hope I don't continue to be a lonely failure.
People that piss me off are those that try to associate themselves with me. Also, it is usually the people that are the last ones that should be doing so. Every now and again when I talk with a few of the people in my life, the things they say make me think they truly know nothing about me. Some of which think they know everything, and trust me, if they knew as much as they thought they did, they would have not have said half the shit they have. Often they hurt me more often then they help me...
Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with me? I confuse the hell out of myself all the time. I am just hurting myself, I feel like I wanna cry all the fricken time. And I am only doing it to myself. I can tell myself what I need to do, I can justify the billion reason on why. Convince myself that no matter what would happen that it would still end for the better. But do i do aynthing? Of course not, cause that would make sense.
Seriously, if you or anyone you know likes me, tell them or yourself to give it up, cause I would just fuck it up like I always do. If they or you still wanna give it a shot, then do it now, don't drag this shit out, trust me, it just makes it worse. And I am getting to old to fast to find out a ways down the road that someone liked me at this point way back when.
Why they hell can I never tell people how I feel? Its not a hard thing to do, its quick, simple, and important. Though it seems to be a skill far beyond my reach.
There are a lot of people out there that i have never told you my feelings. For that I am truly sorry. I just want to let you know, that though I may not have said it and I should have, but I did/do care for you greatly. I just wish I told you when I had the chance. More people then should be, fit into this... god I never learn do I
I learned the that i sleep best when I cuddle up in the corner of my bed pressed against the wall... Maybe it makes me feel sacure. I find it kinda funny and kinda sad at the same time... I learned this when I started to think of death, and as usuall, it all but made me cry, cause when I tell people, I mean it when I say I am truly terrified of death. Also, don't try to help me or give me that stupid ass speach that has something to do with, "we are all gonna die, there is no reason to worry about it." Gee, thanks for the words of wisdom jack ass. I obviously know that we are all gonna die and can do nothing about it, THATS WHY IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!!
I know people are gonna make me regret making this post, but I don't care. I made this journal for my reasons and to vent whatever I want when I want. And sometimes, emo posts are not what I need to make myself feel better.
Night and sweet dreams.
So, here I am in SC, sitting alone in a room in the dark, which in my life seems to be the norm. I started to think about my future, when I graduate, where will I go. Will I have someone to go with me? Or will I stay put and everyone else go without me.
I have told myself that when I graduate I will go to wherever I find the best job. And as with college, I will stick to that. It just so happened when it came to college the best college I got into was local, and my best friend also went there. So it happened that it all worked out well. Also, all of my other good friends stayed local as well.
My friend Karl did a term abroad in Vietnam, and he decided to stay a little longer. Now here I am sitting around, missing hanging out with me, him, nate, and elliot. Granted, we never did anything too special, just hung around and played games and just B.S.'ed the time away. But it was great fun and i can't wait to do it again.
So, I was lucky that college didn't really change that too much, but who knows what could happen after that.
I am 21 years old and I feel like I have been alive for a week and an eternity at the same time. I don't know what it is, 1/4th ideally atleast of my life is over and done with. But what have I accomplished? Nothin much. I am no one special and not any more intelligent then the next person. Great, I got RPI and to some people that means I am smarter then the average person and what not and all that shit. Whatever, so I am a fuck up that has not accomplished anything, and has to work my ass off for what I have, but I am only 21 and have a lot of time left to change things and for my life to improve. Lets hope I don't continue to be a lonely failure.
People that piss me off are those that try to associate themselves with me. Also, it is usually the people that are the last ones that should be doing so. Every now and again when I talk with a few of the people in my life, the things they say make me think they truly know nothing about me. Some of which think they know everything, and trust me, if they knew as much as they thought they did, they would have not have said half the shit they have. Often they hurt me more often then they help me...
Seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with me? I confuse the hell out of myself all the time. I am just hurting myself, I feel like I wanna cry all the fricken time. And I am only doing it to myself. I can tell myself what I need to do, I can justify the billion reason on why. Convince myself that no matter what would happen that it would still end for the better. But do i do aynthing? Of course not, cause that would make sense.
Seriously, if you or anyone you know likes me, tell them or yourself to give it up, cause I would just fuck it up like I always do. If they or you still wanna give it a shot, then do it now, don't drag this shit out, trust me, it just makes it worse. And I am getting to old to fast to find out a ways down the road that someone liked me at this point way back when.
Why they hell can I never tell people how I feel? Its not a hard thing to do, its quick, simple, and important. Though it seems to be a skill far beyond my reach.
There are a lot of people out there that i have never told you my feelings. For that I am truly sorry. I just want to let you know, that though I may not have said it and I should have, but I did/do care for you greatly. I just wish I told you when I had the chance. More people then should be, fit into this... god I never learn do I
I learned the that i sleep best when I cuddle up in the corner of my bed pressed against the wall... Maybe it makes me feel sacure. I find it kinda funny and kinda sad at the same time... I learned this when I started to think of death, and as usuall, it all but made me cry, cause when I tell people, I mean it when I say I am truly terrified of death. Also, don't try to help me or give me that stupid ass speach that has something to do with, "we are all gonna die, there is no reason to worry about it." Gee, thanks for the words of wisdom jack ass. I obviously know that we are all gonna die and can do nothing about it, THATS WHY IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!!
I know people are gonna make me regret making this post, but I don't care. I made this journal for my reasons and to vent whatever I want when I want. And sometimes, emo posts are not what I need to make myself feel better.
Night and sweet dreams.