Long post about the many things on my mind.
"None of these warriors though, outshines a young girl I came to know when I first traveled across the Ten-Towns. Of all the people I have ever met, none has held themselves to higher standards of honor and decency then Catti-brie. She has seen many battles, yet her eyes sparkle clearly with innocence and her smile shines untainted. Sad will be the day, and let all the world lament, when a dicordant tone of cynicism spoils the harmony of her melodic voice.
Often those who call me a hero speak solely of my battle prowess and know nothin of the principles that guide my blades. I accept their mantle for what it is worth, for their satisfaction and not my own. When Catti-brie names me so, then I will allow my heart to swell with the satisfaction of knowing that I have been judged for my heart and not my sword arm; then I will dare to belive that the mantle is justified."
Some times I wonder if people truly know me for who I am. I can think of numerous comments made about me the past summer which in no way describes me. Its not even that I dont think that it describes me, but that I KNOW it is not me that these people think I am. Some have hurt more then others and I can not think of what I have done to cause them to think these things of me.
Is there really a dark side to me that I have just been oblivious to and these people are truly correct? Or am I right and they are make rash judgments about me that are far from correct? Yet, if thats true, then what have I done to cause these feelings? I know I can be sarcastic at times and say things which can sound like a bastard comment, but I cannot think of anything I have done that has been bastard or negetive. I have always tried to be helpfull, and caring and just generally do my best to help others. It seems somewhere in there I have failed at this. I only wish I knew what was wrong with me to have people think some of these things....
With those thoughts, who am I? I am no one special, I have never done anything spectacular or even truly interesting. I will never be famous nor will I be remembered after my death. All I will ever be is what little I am able to make of myself in my next some odd years. Then after that... nothing. Within so many years after I die, no one will remember me. I will be nothing more then a name on some papers or a face in some old pictures. All that is me will be no more. Maybe thats why I care so much what they think of me. Cause thats all I have in life, and its all someone will ever have. Well, generally, I don't care what people think about me. There are some however, the people close to me, that I care what they think. So it hurts me when they think negative of me.
Also, the fact that no one will remember me when I die doesnt scare me so much as the fact when I die, there is a chance that I will simply stop being. What I mean is, if there is a heaven, hell, pergatory, ghost, or anyother thing you can think of, then when I die, something will happen to me and in some form, I will continue to exist. Yet they say you remain in this stage forever... eternity just seems like such a radical concept that I can't seem to wrap my mind around the possabilty that this is true. So then I start to think that when I die, I will simply be no more. All that makes me me, will never again be. Everything will simply stop and there will be nothing. Not the perception of nothin, but the true essence of nothing. That thought, scares me SO much.
If it were not for that fact that I am so emotionally scarred and tears don't seem to exist for me anymore, that thought alone would bring me to tears everynight. Even now I am having a hard time keeping my breathing at a normal pace cause it scares me so much. So I lie here, alone on a couch, wondering what is the point of anything of in the end, there is simply nothing? Why should I care so much about how I exist now if at any point it could simply stop.
"Tell me, somebody help me... understand..."
Also, what A lot of people don't know. Is that in a short while, I will be more lonely then I have ever been. I mean, I used to always complain about being alone, but the truth was I atleast always had my family. Though that doesnt seem to be lasting for too much longer. My mom is moving to south carolina before the summer is out. With her gone, my family will slowly fall apart in the sense we really won't keep in contact anymore. I never call family, only ever see them whenever we all happen to be at my moms house, now that will soon be gone. So besides a few close friends, when school starts, I will really have no one in my life anymore. I wonder how long I will be able to last.
well, now that I started to scratch the surface of some of the things that have been on my mind lately, I guess its time to goto bed.
One of these days I am seriously just gonna have a mental breakdown from all of the stress in my life and because of all the things I just keep bottled up inside. well untill then I guess all I can do is just keep on living....
Night and sweet dreams.
Often those who call me a hero speak solely of my battle prowess and know nothin of the principles that guide my blades. I accept their mantle for what it is worth, for their satisfaction and not my own. When Catti-brie names me so, then I will allow my heart to swell with the satisfaction of knowing that I have been judged for my heart and not my sword arm; then I will dare to belive that the mantle is justified."
Some times I wonder if people truly know me for who I am. I can think of numerous comments made about me the past summer which in no way describes me. Its not even that I dont think that it describes me, but that I KNOW it is not me that these people think I am. Some have hurt more then others and I can not think of what I have done to cause them to think these things of me.
Is there really a dark side to me that I have just been oblivious to and these people are truly correct? Or am I right and they are make rash judgments about me that are far from correct? Yet, if thats true, then what have I done to cause these feelings? I know I can be sarcastic at times and say things which can sound like a bastard comment, but I cannot think of anything I have done that has been bastard or negetive. I have always tried to be helpfull, and caring and just generally do my best to help others. It seems somewhere in there I have failed at this. I only wish I knew what was wrong with me to have people think some of these things....
With those thoughts, who am I? I am no one special, I have never done anything spectacular or even truly interesting. I will never be famous nor will I be remembered after my death. All I will ever be is what little I am able to make of myself in my next some odd years. Then after that... nothing. Within so many years after I die, no one will remember me. I will be nothing more then a name on some papers or a face in some old pictures. All that is me will be no more. Maybe thats why I care so much what they think of me. Cause thats all I have in life, and its all someone will ever have. Well, generally, I don't care what people think about me. There are some however, the people close to me, that I care what they think. So it hurts me when they think negative of me.
Also, the fact that no one will remember me when I die doesnt scare me so much as the fact when I die, there is a chance that I will simply stop being. What I mean is, if there is a heaven, hell, pergatory, ghost, or anyother thing you can think of, then when I die, something will happen to me and in some form, I will continue to exist. Yet they say you remain in this stage forever... eternity just seems like such a radical concept that I can't seem to wrap my mind around the possabilty that this is true. So then I start to think that when I die, I will simply be no more. All that makes me me, will never again be. Everything will simply stop and there will be nothing. Not the perception of nothin, but the true essence of nothing. That thought, scares me SO much.
If it were not for that fact that I am so emotionally scarred and tears don't seem to exist for me anymore, that thought alone would bring me to tears everynight. Even now I am having a hard time keeping my breathing at a normal pace cause it scares me so much. So I lie here, alone on a couch, wondering what is the point of anything of in the end, there is simply nothing? Why should I care so much about how I exist now if at any point it could simply stop.
"Tell me, somebody help me... understand..."
Also, what A lot of people don't know. Is that in a short while, I will be more lonely then I have ever been. I mean, I used to always complain about being alone, but the truth was I atleast always had my family. Though that doesnt seem to be lasting for too much longer. My mom is moving to south carolina before the summer is out. With her gone, my family will slowly fall apart in the sense we really won't keep in contact anymore. I never call family, only ever see them whenever we all happen to be at my moms house, now that will soon be gone. So besides a few close friends, when school starts, I will really have no one in my life anymore. I wonder how long I will be able to last.
well, now that I started to scratch the surface of some of the things that have been on my mind lately, I guess its time to goto bed.
One of these days I am seriously just gonna have a mental breakdown from all of the stress in my life and because of all the things I just keep bottled up inside. well untill then I guess all I can do is just keep on living....
Night and sweet dreams.